To be weary of my long lost half sister?

(14 Posts)
PregnantAndEngaged Tue 30-Aug-16 10:55:28

Well I would give you background but tbh there isn't a huge amount of background that I personally know of.

Basically my mum and dad split up when I was just a baby and he's never really been in my life. He often didn't turn up for my birthdays or at Christmas. When he did he was always drunk and trying it on with my mum and she didn't want him around so told him to fuck off in no uncertain terms. I've seen him probably about 10 times in my entire life (I'm 26). My mum tells me that that family is all trouble makers, in trouble wih the law a lot, that my dad is an alcoholic and he tried to strangle her once, and that the only decent person in the family was his mother who sadly died. I wasn't invited to the funeral, I only saw about it in the newspaper. I've been completely ignored from that side of the family my whole life so haven't had a relationship with anyone. My brother, who unfortunately has been in and out of prison half his life, has connected with my dad and that family and he was welcoemd in with open arms but I've always been the odd one out. I always felt I wasn't missing out on much. The only two people I wish I had have stayed in touch with, however, was my half sisters and I often wonder how they are doing. My mum became friends with my dad's ex-wife when I was a young child and I met my half sisters quite a few times for play dates (minus my dad around) as a child. Then she left my dad (mum said he beat her up) and she moved away so I never saw my half sisters since they were tiny children (I'm 7 years older than the eldest).

She's now randomly added me on facebook as she wanted to see how I'm doing. I've briefly chatted to her on messenger but tbh it's hard making conversation with someone you don't know anything about beyond the basics (relationships, what jobs we're doing, if we have kids etc). So I suggested next time I'm around we should meet up. Do you think I should be weary?

Arfarfanarf Tue 30-Aug-16 10:59:46

I think yes it's important to be wary. You have to be cautious and protect yourself.
You dont have to have her in your lifebut if you choose then take it very slow and keep things on neutral ground for the time bein.

At the end of the day she is a total stranger to you. You can't force a relationship with someone just because you feel you ought to.

Aeroflotgirl Tue 30-Aug-16 11:02:31

Keep an open mind, at the same time have your whits about about you!

DerekSprechenZeDick Tue 30-Aug-16 11:05:17

Always be wary but keep an open mind

I have 3 half sisters. I don't see my bio dad, he signed me over as a child. You might get on you might not. Don't put too much on yourself to like her.

I like one of my half sisters, can tolerate the other but would kick shit out of the last one grin

Ohb0llocks Tue 30-Aug-16 11:11:05

We have a long lost cousin (my cousins long lost sister)

Welcomed her with open arms into the family, she was present at all family occasions etc.

Her appearance coincided with my uncle coming into some money, haven't heard from her since it ran out.

Grumpyoldblonde Tue 30-Aug-16 11:15:12

I agree with the others, be a little wary, you don't have to jump into being 'sisters' or best friends but I would cautiously proceed with a relationship and see how it turns out.
You don't really know her so be as wary as you would be with any near stranger

Chikara Tue 30-Aug-16 11:19:50

Also have a family story about a long lost half sister of my cousin's. She was born before cousin. She had apparently always known about her father but no-one else in the family knew about her until the father died - leaving quite a lot of money; then she came forward. She now wants a relationship with her long lost half sister - and is "struggling". Cousin has already given her £20k as she feels guilty about having had the father to herself. She is not a nice person and is now saying that she is entitled to half the estate.

Jessbow Tue 30-Aug-16 11:37:32

Chikara - If the 'dad' to both girls didn't leave a will, legally she probably IS entitled to half of his estate, that's just the way it is.

No reason why half sisters shouldn't be friends, if you get along, fine, if you don't you'll soon see that you don't. Just take it slowly

Spaghettidog Tue 30-Aug-16 11:55:21

I was taking 'weary' literally and assuming your long lost sister had invited herself into your life and was staying with you for weeks at a time and being disruptive and making you exhausted. If you mean 'wary', and clearly you do, then I agree with previous posters.

(Incidentally, am not pointing out weary/wary to be snide, more in case you happen to have occasion to tell your sister you are wary of her reasons for contacting you out of the blue...)

DailyMailEthicalFail Tue 30-Aug-16 12:33:16

Yes, be aware of your boundaries like you would with anyone else.

Not all 'long lost' rellies are after the money. She might really want to know her family. Usually it's the adults who've stuffed up and the kids pay the consequences by being fragmented.

MaryAll Tue 30-Aug-16 12:36:12

I think you should be careful.

NotaNice314 Tue 30-Aug-16 12:52:32

I think you should separate any feelings from your father from feeliings for your sister.

She may not be the sort of person you admire generally but your mutual father's failings aren't her fault any more than they are yours.

She is probably genuinely more interested in you than in three quarters of the people on her facebook list (even if that interest is still limited). Facebook is just facebook.

I think you could restrict your settings if you're worried that some things you share might be discussed with her mother. But overall i would just be pleasant, friendly, interested.

By all means, keep your wits about you and don't babysit, lend money, be taken advantage of.

Proceed with your eyes open but giving her the benefit of the doubt!

BestZebbie Tue 30-Aug-16 13:48:36

I don't see any harm in being friendly to her - you say you have pleasant memories of playing together as children, maybe she does too. Put her on your Christmas Card list and like her posts occasionally.

That level of interaction doesn't commit you to anything further unless you want the relationship to go there (that might be all she is looking for anyway).

Chikara Wed 31-Aug-16 09:50:37

Jessbow

Chikara - If the 'dad' to both girls didn't leave a will, legally she probably IS entitled to half of his estate, that's just the way it is.

You are right but he did leave a will. It mostly went to his wife of 40 years, (who had supported him and allowed him to make his money and earnt a good deal herself as a teacher). The 2nd DD got some but much of it tied up. It could still all go in care home fees.

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