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To stay friends with him?

(26 Posts)
LemonySmithit Tue 30-Aug-16 04:11:41

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VioletBam Tue 30-Aug-16 05:31:06

I think that given your ASD and his...and that your DH doesn't feel threatened then it's ok.

I'm not sure if I'd be that understanding but what I feel does not count here. It's your marriage and only you and your DH can know the dynamics of that.

LemonySmithit Tue 30-Aug-16 05:34:20

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HeddaGarbled Tue 30-Aug-16 06:31:03

Your friendship will inevitably alter anyway because of the distance between you now.

Tryingtostayyoung Tue 30-Aug-16 06:31:11

I think considering the circumstances it's fine for you to stay friends with him. You've done the right thing by being honest and open with your DH and if he's fine then I think your ok continue.

LemonySmithit Tue 30-Aug-16 06:39:57

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LemonySmithit Tue 30-Aug-16 08:32:00

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LemonySmithit Tue 30-Aug-16 14:50:38

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Ginkypig Tue 30-Aug-16 16:27:30

If you have to as you both are aspies you'll know that you appreciate the truth without nastiness.

You tell him the truth that you feel the dynamics of your friendship have changed and you feel it's inappropriate to your family that you stay friends. Tell him that he's done nothing wrong and you understand he can't help his feelings but you have to respect your marriage and it would be unfair to your husband.

My opinion is if your happy to stay friends then you should esp as your husband doesn't mind but you must must make it clear to him that you will never feel the same about him and he must respect that.

LemonySmithit Wed 31-Aug-16 03:53:38

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PhoenixJasmine Wed 31-Aug-16 04:37:53

I am NT (as far as I am aware!) but the only problem I see with these kind of relationships, when one person has unrequited feelings, is that remaining just friends often seems to stop them from moving on with their feelings and finding their own happiness. I have been in this situation twice, where there was very much a feeling from someone else of "why didn't we ever get together", and continuing contact just seemed to keep their hopes alive, even though they knew I didn't return the feelings. One of my friends did meet someone, and our friendship waned pretty dramatically as their relationship developed, I wasn't even invited to their wedding. I can understand why, he had me on a pedestal for years, his new partner saw me as a threat, and in fairness I probably could have been. When I've had feelings for someone I needed to get over, I've only ever done it successfully once the contact has ended, whether temporarily or permanently.

I hope this all makes sense, it's my personal view and experience.

LemonySmithit Wed 31-Aug-16 10:32:06

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Ginkypig Wed 31-Aug-16 13:57:50

Lemony my advice is that staying friends with him is your decision to make. Only you know him enough to know if a friendship with him now that he has told you he loves you and has therefor moved the goalposts of the relationship will work.

If you choose not to the the first paragraph is what I wou say to him.

i also think Phoenix makes some very good points.

LemonySmithit Wed 31-Aug-16 15:32:54

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Ginkypig Thu 01-Sep-16 01:41:06

Stop thinking about him and his perception of the situation. I know your doing that because you care for him as a friend but your feelings are just as important so put your feelings first.

Take a step back emotionally and have a really good think about how this affects how you feel about the friendship and wether you think will be happy being in a friendship (with the closeness and vunrability that comes from being so close) now you know he doesn't see you as only a friend.

Once youv done that you may feel more able to decide about it because you'll know how you feel.

LemonySmithit Thu 01-Sep-16 05:41:32

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PhoenixJasmine Thu 01-Sep-16 14:29:03

You can only be responsible for your own feelings and actions, and there's no wrong or right way to feel about this. We can't tell you what you should do because there's no 'should' about it, there's just how you feel and what you are comfortable doing. It's ok to not immediately know how you feel about something- it can take time to think and sometimes talk things through.

It sounds like, from a purely selfish point of view you'd like to continue the friendship, because you enjoy it and it benefits you (support/virtual companionship etc). And you're right that nothing has changed, apart from you knowing about his feelings. So the question is - not how your partner feels about it, but how do YOU feel about staying friends knowing he really wants more, and that it could possibly be harder for him to move on and meet anyone else. For me it's not about whether it's your responsibility to end the friendship for his benefit- it's about whether you are still comfortable with the friendship, given what you now know.

I'm sorry - feelings so often throw spanners in the works.

LemonySmithit Fri 02-Sep-16 10:03:45

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PhoenixJasmine Fri 02-Sep-16 23:53:50

Playing Devils advocate here - if it's his problem, why did he burden you with it?

LemonySmithit Sat 03-Sep-16 00:34:14

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hazeimcgee Sat 03-Sep-16 01:07:44

Personally for now i think just keep on acting how you feel comfortable to act. He'a not just any okd guy he's your beat friend. He knows nothibg can happen. Husband knows. I don't think you need to kick him out ld your life unless you start finding it hard to beopen with him

LemonySmithit Sat 03-Sep-16 01:10:23

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CatThiefKeith Sat 03-Sep-16 01:38:15

My best friend is a man op. We have been friends since we were 8 years old, which is 35 years.

There have been points in our friendship where the other wanted more (on both sides, at different times) but for various reasons nothing ever happened.

For at least 20 years we have gotten over our little flashpoints, no longer find each other remotely attractive, and are good friends with one another's spouses as well as each other.

If he is 100% accepting that it will never happen between you, carry on the friendship. His romantic feelings will almost certainly subside in time.

LemonySmithit Sat 03-Sep-16 01:49:39

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CatThiefKeith Sat 03-Sep-16 02:19:46

No, not really. It was a little bit awkward as I recall, but we laugh about it now.

We've got to a point now where we are more like brother and sister, I am so grateful nothing happened back then, I doubt the relationship, or the friendship, would have lasted so long if it had.

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