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To think maybe grandparents are closer to their daughter's children?

(331 Posts)
CedricSydneySneer Mon 29-Aug-16 22:41:28

I probably am.

I feel as though my parents are closer to my dc than my brothers dc. They don't treat them differently or anything so it's hard to explain.

I like my in laws but I don't feel close to them, when my own parents are with my dc it just seems more natural, hard to explain. I try not to let this get in the way. It might be because with my own family we can say what we think but it's all faux politeness with in laws.

I've noticed this with a few people, the daughters are the main carers and seem to go to their own mum for advice or for babysitting. I've even seen situations where the dads parents have been banned from seeing grandchildren when relationships break down.

Is this just me? I've got boys and although it's a long way off I wonder if my future dil will feel the way I do.

thatsn0tmyname Mon 29-Aug-16 22:43:58

I tend to see my mum more than my partner's parents. It's partly because my dad died two years ago and partly because she's nearer. We tend to see my partner's parents every 4-6 weeks at a weekend but my mum weekly.

otter2954 Mon 29-Aug-16 22:44:21

I think it's usually true, although there will be many posts citing this not to be the case.

sentia Mon 29-Aug-16 22:44:56

My DH's parents are closer to DD than my parents are. I think it just depends on the grandparents in question, how far away they live, how close they are (or not) to their DC, whether they like children etc.

CedricSydneySneer Mon 29-Aug-16 22:47:23

This may be really bad but my in laws just get on my nerves a bit.

If my own mum and dad say things I can just say to them "oh don't be daft", they say what they think too. With in laws I find myself biting my tongue a lot.

otter2954 Mon 29-Aug-16 22:48:53

To be honest, I think the relationship the DIL has with her own parents, especially her mother, is key.

If she is close to them, chances are paternal grandparents are sidelined. If not, or if they've died, you'll probably be OK.

elvisola Mon 29-Aug-16 22:49:18

I have 2 girls. We see my parents and the in laws about the same but I will always defer first to my parents so they get all the babysitting gigs etc

Although I love my In laws, mil is really hands on, I don't have a bad word to say about her I just don't feel as comfortable asking my MIL to babysit as I do my own mum. Therefore the kids have a more natural relationship with my mum. I think it's because she reminds them of me to be honest.

Thunderblunder Mon 29-Aug-16 22:49:43

My brother and DH's sister don't have children so mine and DH's children are the only grandchildren on both sides. One thing I did notice when the DC were younger was the difference in phone calls with both sets of parents. I was a SAHM when our DC were little so when I spoke to my parents I would tell them all about our DC. DH was out at work so when he spoke to his parents he couldn't tell them a lot about our DC as he wasn't with them as much. He tended to tell his parents about his work more than anything.
We operate the his parents he speaks to and my parents I speak to way of doing things in our house.

RiverTam Mon 29-Aug-16 22:50:08

We see more of my mum, especially when I was at home with DD for the first two years, but a lot of that is to do with location, she's much closer, plus I'm better at keeping in touch with her.

But, DD adores MIL. She likes my mum but my mum is not the most maternal woman in the world, whereas MIL is all about the children. I often wish we lived much closer to MIL. Who I do quite like, though I could do without her DH most of the time!

reallyanotherone Mon 29-Aug-16 22:50:09

I think it's true, and at least in part because of gender stereotyping.

Dh's parents see him as a man that should be working and providing for his family. If they helped out with the wife work or the kids they'd be helping me, not him.

Whereas their dd is seen as a dependent female who needs their help, having to bring up her children, work, and run the house (even though her dh does more than his share). So helping with their kids is helping their dd directly.

CedricSydneySneer Mon 29-Aug-16 22:53:16

Maybe also a woman is more likely to accept help from her own parents too?

MeMySonandl Mon 29-Aug-16 22:53:45

It is just because girls tend to spend more time with their mums. Boys, on the other hand, tend to spend more time with their girlfriends/partners and therefore with their other halves' mums.

I expect DS will be closer to his inlaws, probably because I would never expect him to stay around. If he is a tiny bit like me or his father, he will move away, go to study/work in other countries, meet someone there and stay there or move to yet another country.

Bellyrub1980 Mon 29-Aug-16 23:00:49

i always expected (perhaps hoped) that my child would be more 'special' to my parents because I'm their only daughter. But their DGC from my brother are just as special, for certain. So I would have to say no. However, my DM probably spent more time with my DD in the first few weeks as I needed her help so badly. She was amazing. I guess my SIL would have gone to her mum. As a result my DD and DM do have a close bond, as close to mother and daughter you can be without being mother and daughter I guess. But the bond with her paternal DGM is also very good.

CoodleMoodle Mon 29-Aug-16 23:04:15

My PIL are lovely and adore DD, but do seem to favour SIL's DC. They see them once or twice a week, and us maybe once every fortnight. We live 45mins away, SIL is nearly 3 hrs away... It used to upset me but I'm used to it now. DH has noticed it too and he's not usually the type. Again, it used to upset him but we just live with it. PIL both work (part time).

My DM comes to visit a couple of times per week. We (DD & I) also go and stay with her for a few days every couple of months. She's also about 45mins away. She's on her own and retired, though.

TheIncredibleBookEatingManchot Mon 29-Aug-16 23:10:17

Apparently there's a theory that grandparents feel a closer bond to their daughters' children than their sons' because they know without a doubt that those children are definitely their daughters', while with their sons' children they will always (usually subconsciously) be thinking that there's a possibility their sons might not be the biological fathers of the children.

ladyvimes Mon 29-Aug-16 23:13:31

My DM definitely favours all her grandchildren equally (including her step dd's children). She is a fantastic granny to them all!

AcrossthePond55 Mon 29-Aug-16 23:13:54

My children were equally close to both sets of grandparents. It was a relationship that DH and I were very eager to foster equally.

PansOnFire Mon 29-Aug-16 23:14:46

It depends on the set up - my DC are not close to my MIL because she is always looking after her DD's children and is too tired to spend time with us.

lightcola Mon 29-Aug-16 23:16:30

I would go to my in laws over my parents any day as they are more reliable. However they definitely treat their daughter and Grand daughter differently to my partner and our son. She gets a lot more help and time spent with them. If we are lucky to see them all we hear about is daughter and GD.

bibbitybobbityyhat Mon 29-Aug-16 23:17:25

No examples of this in my family. I have one brother (no children) and dh has one brother (2 children).

because they know without a doubt that those children are definitely their daughters',

Isn't this why babies look more like their fathers as young babies, because the mother is a given but the father could be questioned?

CashelGirl Mon 29-Aug-16 23:23:21

I think it is down to geography as much as anything. My parents live in a different country so we don't see them as much, and I have a fantastic MIL who lives locally. My daughters have a brilliant relationship with her and all her extended family. They have lots of second cousins and great aunts and uncles who love them to bits and I feel very grateful for it. My Mum makes a huge effort to have a good relationship with them but I know she would love to be closer and have a ore "day to day" relationship. She is also very close to my brothers daughter. She is a pretty good Grandma.

VioletBam Mon 29-Aug-16 23:29:19

YANBU and as a DIL who has moved abroad to live in PILS country, it's devastated me.

MIL used to be healthily obsessed with my children until her own daughter had a baby and we were swiftly dropped.

Notcontent Mon 29-Aug-16 23:35:06

Reallyanotherone - I agree with your theory. Obviously there are exceptions, but in my experience mothers (and fathers) help their daughters with child rearing and in that way become close to their grand children.

maninawomansworld01 Mon 29-Aug-16 23:40:41

YANBU I think you're right

That's been our experience anyway.

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