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AIBU?

AIBU to not want to leave my 6 month old any time soon?

136 replies

seri0usly · 29/08/2016 20:19

Background - I'm taking 3 years out from working so he won't be attending nursery. He is exclusively breastfed and we've recently started the weaning process. He's my youngest and last child.

AIBU to not want to leave him with relatives that want to have him? I have no reason too and don't want to cause any upset to him just to please other people. AIBU?

OP posts:

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seri0usly · 29/08/2016 20:27

*to not too

OP posts:

Mouikey · 29/08/2016 20:30

If there is no reason to hen don't, but it maybe worthwhile to give it a go as you may appreciate the help at a later date.

HeyRobot · 29/08/2016 20:31

I don't understand why relatives want to look after a baby on their own. If you wanted a good night's sleep and wanted them to then fair enough, but why do people want to spend time alone with a baby?

seri0usly · 29/08/2016 20:35

I don't know HeyRobot. Personally, I think the best place for a baby of this age is with a the caregiver who spends so much time with them that they know their signs and signals and their routine inside out and back to front ... I for one wouldn't want to take on a baby who I rarely saw. It would be a nightmare trying to guess what they wanted/needed.

OP posts:

mintleaf · 29/08/2016 20:41

Yadnbu - but I would say that as I have a ebf 5m old and I'm certainly not leaving him any time soon. I find how keen people are to separate mums from new babies abut strange - often under the guise of helping out!

seri0usly · 29/08/2016 20:46

Mintleaf - glad I'm not the only one to feel this way. Has anyone suggested to you that they have your baby? Just wondered what you'd say. As the more food he eats the more I'm running out of excuses!

OP posts:

mintleaf · 29/08/2016 20:52

Only my parents and fortunately I have a good relationship with them so I just laugh and say "over my dead body". but many many people have scoffed when I say I haven't really been apart from him yet. I'm going to spoil him, rod for my own back etc.

motherducker · 29/08/2016 20:52

Not unreasonable no, people often just presume you want some alone time though! Everyone is different. I really appreciated going for a quick baby free lunch with my DH while my mum looked after dd for instance. It doesn't have to be an all day or overnight thing. And I think people like to have a chance to play and coo over baby without the mum being there cos it makes them feel self conscious!

glueandstick · 29/08/2016 20:53

I find 'no thank you, we stay together. Shall we do x y z instead?' I hate the constant trying to take my baby away.

shiveringhiccup · 29/08/2016 20:58

Absolutely agree with PP, really odd and wrong how there is so much pressure trying to separate mums from their babies. You stick with what you're doing OP.

As regards reasons - your baby doesn't just need you for food, so try to shrug off people pressuring you to leave your baby just because he's started to explore solid food. And of course at his age he is on the cusp of separation anxiety so solids or not, emotionally/ psychologically it's not a good time for him to be away from you.

Maybe just a vague 'this works for us' or 'he needs me right now', or a 'I am enjoying being with him and want to make the most of my time with him'. I would keep it vague otherwise you open yourself up to counter arguments. I would follow the vague reason by an immediate 'but we love spending time with you so why do the three of us go to the park togethe or whatever.

If you are comfortable with the idea, you could allow the other person time to play with baby with you in the kitchen so they feel they are having 1-1 time but you really don't have to!

You're doing a great job.

At his age he is on the cusp of separation anxiety so solids or not, emotionally/ psychologically it's not a good time for him to be away from you.

shiveringhiccup · 29/08/2016 21:00

Lol sorry about the duplicate paragraph.

mintleaf · 29/08/2016 21:00

Although I do make it clear that it's about me not wanting to leave DS as opposed to me not trusting them. Plus I see them (and ILs) lots and don't have a problem with them having lots of cuddles etc. I think they all see me as a bit overprotective because I had lots of miscarriages before he came along. I'm not sure that's entirely the case but it seems to make everyone more sympathetic to my being a Velcro mother (as my dad puts it!)

Trifleorbust · 29/08/2016 21:01

It's because they want to nurture the baby - would have thought that was obvious

allowlsthinkalot · 29/08/2016 21:06

Mine were around eight months before I left them with dh for even half an hour (ebf) and I left my 22 month old with a person other than the two of us for the first time this week.

YANBU to do what suits you and your baby.

Astoria797 · 29/08/2016 21:08

I've had my dn stay overnight pretty much from day 1, as my sister used to express & freeze & she trusted me to take care of her. But that was her choice. If you're not comfortable doing the same, don't.

yoowhoo · 29/08/2016 21:13

Yanbu. Your baby needs you and you definitely shouldn't have to leave them. However, and please note I know this is rare and not likely to happen. But I know of 2 mums personally, who were rushed into hospital for several nights. Their babies had both never ever been left with anyone and needless to say it was heartbreaking for them. I'm not saying you should leave your baby with someone, but I don't think it would harm granny or auntie to take baby for a walk to the park. If the worst were to happen, it would be really difficult for the baby to suddenly be left with someone, whereas if they are used to someone trusted it's a bit easier on them.

SpeckledyBanana · 29/08/2016 21:16

YANBU. Just tell them no.

sandgrown · 29/08/2016 21:16

I have looked after my grandchildren overnight from a very early age to give my daughter a break. She has been able to spend some time with her husband or just catch up on chores/sleep. I have enjoyed the time with my grandchildren but there has never been the intention to separate them from their mother!

mintleaf · 29/08/2016 21:21

Yes, sorry sand - I totally appreciate most people are just being generous and supportive. Am referring specifically to occasions where the issue is pushed when the mum has been clear its not what she wants.

maddiesparks · 29/08/2016 21:23

There's a difference between having small babies overnight when asked by their Mum or Dad to actually asking to have them when the parents haven't requested it though. I think there are benefits - my first DS stayed regularly with my parents from being a newborn as I had to work shifts and was a single parent at that time. They are like second parents to him now and have a lovely bond. My second and third children have never needed to stay overnight with Grandparents as I didn't have to work unti they were 12 months and I think the longer you leave it the harder it gets for both you and the baby. YANBU op - if you don't want to leave your baby then don't be pressured into it.

seri0usly · 29/08/2016 21:23

It's definitely not about not trusting anyone so I will make that clear but even if he's being held by someone right now for a little too long for his liking he whimpers and searches the room for me. I guess its the period of separation anxiety kicking in.

Also I was pressured into it with my first and I had to hear her scream as we were separated. I can't go through that again

OP posts:

shiveringhiccup · 29/08/2016 21:25

Yoowhoo it doesn't make sense to enforce a separation in case of an unlikely hypothetical scenario of separation. Young children's brains don't work like that and in any case that's a faulty kind of logic. As well as the fact that OP has said she doesn't want to so that is the end of it.

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shiveringhiccup · 29/08/2016 21:29

Maddiesparks the way that children's brains develop, and the way that attachment works, means that the older they are, the easier it will be for them to cope with. So sorry, your statement about it being easier when started younger isn't correct.

Crunchymum · 29/08/2016 21:32

I completely understand but if I have read this right are you saying your DC won't spend any significant time away from you until they are 3? (At which point I assume they will go into childcare of some sort?)

IME it's good to encourage a little independence but it must be on your terms.

TallulahTheTiger · 29/08/2016 21:35

Feeling quite trepidatious now having read this thread and another about child free wedding tonight- we're going to be leaving our 3 month old with my parents overnight soon- I bf and express so have built up a supply. Are people secretly thinking we are awful parents for leaving our baby so young??

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