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Who is being unreasonable in this scenario?

(74 Posts)
deVelvet Mon 29-Aug-16 18:20:12

Person A has one child (6 yrs)
Person B has 3 children (5, 6 & 9)

A & B are in a LTR, living together, blended family.

A & B took the dc swimming today - all dc have swimming lessons and are on different levels of ability. They can all swim though. B is a great swimmer. A cannot swim.

In the pool A is hanging around the edge whilst B is mostly playing with dc. A goes on flumes etc with dc while B waits at the bottom to make sure they are ok.
Once established that dc are ok they are allowed to go on the flume by themselves - I. E walk up the stairs, queue. At the bottom of the flume it doesn't go into a pool - it just slides to a halt with about 10am water.

So, A is hanging around the edge. B playing with own youngest dc. Other 3 are on flume . After each go they go on again.

A goes to toilet, calls out to B but B doesn't hear. A goes anyway.

A comes back to find B in the deep end with own 3 dc. A's dc comes off flume, spots B in the deep end, calls out to B who doesn't hear. Child jumps in. All this happens before A's eyes but A is too far away.

A runs over, screams out to B whilst pulling struggling dc from the water. Lifeguard comes over but A already has dc.

During all of this B - who is a couple of feet away - hears and sees nothing except own dc.

A & B are cross with each other for different reasons.

A thinks B should have been more aware of all the dc coming off the flume and not just own. Two of Bs dc had just come off flume and into pool with B - was obvious that As child would follow

B thinks A was wrong to go to toilet and assumed that because A and child were not with B that A and child were together.

In fairness it was lucky that A came back at that point as the child could have gotten into real trouble in the water.

Who do you think is in the wring here?
I know it's daft to do all this A&B stuff but just wanted to show the scenario really.
You could probably guess which one I am but I will fess up in a bit.

SvalbardianPenguin Mon 29-Aug-16 18:22:07

A should have made sure that B knew she was leaving the pool before she went.
You never assume somebody has heard you tell them that they are responsible for the safety of children in the pool.

Sirzy Mon 29-Aug-16 18:23:24

It was an accident.

Hindsight is a great thing and yes a should have made sure b was aware they were going to the toilet but it was an accident. Understandably people are shaken by it but arguing won't help.

PeggyMitchell123 Mon 29-Aug-16 18:24:45

A was, you should not go to the bathroom until you know that someone else knows they are responsible for the children. You do not assume they heard and go anyway.

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut Mon 29-Aug-16 18:24:47

I think it's probably me being unreasonable for opening the thread. I couldn't keep up with all that.

ElsaAintAsColdAsMe Mon 29-Aug-16 18:26:07

A was wrong imo.

A should probably have taken a couple of the kids with them actually. In our local pool you aren't supposed to look after any more than 2 children under 10 by yourself.

TheInimitableMrsFanshawe Mon 29-Aug-16 18:26:15

Agree, A should have made sure B knew they were in charge of all 4 before heading to the loo.

GnomeDePlume Mon 29-Aug-16 18:26:52

You are both in the wrong to the extent that you both made assumptions about the other watching children.


It was an accident, neither of you meant this to happen. You are both shocked. Stop blaming each other. Hug your children and be grateful that nothing worse happened.

humblesims Mon 29-Aug-16 18:27:24

Unless B is a serial neglecter then I think that no one is being U. It was an unfortunate incident. Frightening for A but ultimately the life guards would have intervened.

MakeMyWineADouble Mon 29-Aug-16 18:28:11

I agree sounds like an accident going forward you can learn a few things a should be sure b knows where they are b should try and be more aware but watching 4 kids in the pool is hard. These things happen I would try not to argue me about it it won't help. Maybe A can look into swimming lessons then there would be more hands on deck??

gunsandbanjos Mon 29-Aug-16 18:28:15

Whoever went to the toilet was unreasonable. They should have made sure the other knew they were leaving.

One person in charge of 4 children in a pool is a disaster waiting to happen.

Particularly if they think there is someone else keeping an eye out too.

dementedpixie Mon 29-Aug-16 18:28:15

Thought you said they could all swim? A should have made sure B knew they were off to the toilet anyway

FullTimeYummy Mon 29-Aug-16 18:29:10

Glad everybody is okay

That's got to be A's fault all day long.

No point getting upset about it now though

Coconutty Mon 29-Aug-16 18:29:13

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sophiestew Mon 29-Aug-16 18:30:15

A was in the wrong for just assuming B had heard them.

phillipp Mon 29-Aug-16 18:30:41

Both made the assumption that the other had/ or was watching the child.

On balance I would say was every so slightly more unreasonable. Just because I can imagine if I turned round and the other parent had disappeared, that their chil would be with them. But I also think I would have kept an eye out just incase I was wrong.

It was an accident, that could have had serious repercussions. But thankfully didn't and hopefully both A & B will learn to communicate more clearly.

drivingmisspotty Mon 29-Aug-16 18:30:43

Agree, A should have made sure B knew. And also that children knew B was now looking after them so they would presumably have asked B's permission to ride flume. But if I was A I probably would also expect B to wonder where I was and have a look round for my kids, just cos that's what you do. Perhaps B should also get hearing tested!

Should probably also have briefef all children at start of trip with some ground rules eg ask adult before riding slide, don't go in deep end unless adult physically there with you.

But as others said it was an accident, all turned out fine but everyone shaken up so be forgiving and learn for next time.

Deadsouls Mon 29-Aug-16 18:30:49

I think A should have ensured that B knew that they were going to the toilet before going.

Birdsgottafly Mon 29-Aug-16 18:31:10

I agree that A should have made sure that B had heard her.

It was a misunderstanding and shouldn't overshadow the day.

OpenMe Mon 29-Aug-16 18:32:01

Its a long story and I'm not sure I've understood all the ins and ours but you can't call to someone in a swimming pool and assume they heard. If you're going to leave anyone responsible for extra children you get an acknowledgement that they've understood from them before you leave, no matter where you are.

But agree with PP, establishing blame isn't going to help anyone

deVelvet Mon 29-Aug-16 18:32:03

I'm A. And I'm a dick sad

Yes, they can all swim but varying levels. DD swims but she jumped into 1.5m water and was shocked.

It was horrible. I cried. I accept the blame.
Now to apologise to DP I reckon

dementedpixie Mon 29-Aug-16 18:32:13

Op doesn't state who is who so I wouldn't assume it was him that went to the toilet

Happyinthehills Mon 29-Aug-16 18:32:54

A should have made sure B knew that they had gone off.

ElsaAintAsColdAsMe Mon 29-Aug-16 18:33:36

flowers don't beat yourself up op. Accidents happen, everyone is ok, that's the main thing.

gunsandbanjos Mon 29-Aug-16 18:35:54

Not a dick, you made a mistake and now need to own it.

No one was hurt, you owe B a big sincere apology though.

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