to be angry about DPs treatment of clingy DD?

(56 Posts)
mendimoo Sun 28-Aug-16 23:57:58

DD will be 2 next month. The only word she can she say is Mummy, and she says it very frequently! It pisses DP off. He thinks she is clingy and that it needs dealing with. Actually, when he isn't here she's very independent. Occasionally she'll 'Mummy' me if I'm being close with DS but a quick hug and she's fine.

DPs 'strategy' is to ignore her when she asks for me and to take her away from me hmm Today he was out from 7 am - 6 pm with his hobby and I had DD in the bath when he came back. When I got her out he said 'come to daddy' and I handed her over for a hug. He told me he'd get her dressed while I cook tea. She screamed 'mummy!' and rather than acknowledge what she'd said he shut the bedroom door in my face. I could hear her getting increasingly upset and screaming my name so I stayed in the next room putting washing away.

I could hear him repeatedly moaning at her to keep still, get dressed, stop screaming and telling her he'd get her some toys out when she was ready. He opened the bedroom door and DD ran out screaming hysterically towards me and he scooped her up and took her in the other room, making her upset even worse.

Two minutes later I heard the stair Gate shut and he'd left her screaming on DS' bedroom and gone out for a cigarette. I went to console her and she was keen to get away from him for the rest of the evening.

I spoke to him tonight and said she's getting frustrated because she's asking for me and he's ignoring her. I suggested that if he acknowledged what she wants but said I'm busy, why don't we do X? Then it would be better than letting her get so upset then leaving her anyway. He said she needs to get over it and that she'll never learn if I always rescue her from him.

I think he needs to go at DDs pace and play alongside her etc to win her over rather than expecting to be able to come in after not having seen her all day and have her be fine with him. AIBU?

TheSparrowhawk Sun 28-Aug-16 23:59:32

He sounds like a total arsehole.

VioletBam Mon 29-Aug-16 00:02:20

He sounds nasty as fuck OP. I wouldn't put up with that. He will give her a complex! She's only a baby!

Magicpaintbrush Mon 29-Aug-16 00:03:26

Sorry but I agree with Sparrowhawk, he does sound like am arsehole - one who thinks he knows best about children but actually doesn't understand them at all.

mendimoo Mon 29-Aug-16 00:06:05

I could maybe understand if I complained that I'd had enough of her and he was trying to give me a break, but she is generally a pleasure all day and I have no problem doing everything for/with her. I think him approaching her when she's happy with me is the way forward, not constantly taking her away from me. He did the same the other day saying she needs to learn to spend time with him. Five mins in the crying stopped and DS came upstairs and said he'd put Mr Tumble on and was on his phone hmm DP later bragged how well his plan had worked because DD had stopped crying...!

TheSparrowhawk Mon 29-Aug-16 00:08:19

He doesn't actually want to spend time with her, he just wants to get one up on you because he doesn't like the fact that she wants to be with you and not him. He is a ridiculous shithead.

Farmmummy Mon 29-Aug-16 00:11:52

My 18 mth Dd is like this she is much clingier than dd1 was although DH is fine with it. He lets her go at her own pace if I really need him to have her while I'm doing something and she screams for me he shows her what mummy is doing then says come on why don't we do xxx (usually see tractors or one of the dogs) and she will usually go, she's getting better. However if she doesn't want to go she will get worked up like you described and it's unfair on us all, DH won't force her. Now she's starting to go over more herself when he comes in and give hugs and kisses without anyone asking (I hate prompting them to give affection to people if they want to hug they will) and show him things she's doing or John in when he plays with Dd1.

Farmmummy Mon 29-Aug-16 00:12:07

*join

TwoLittleBlooms Mon 29-Aug-16 00:36:47

I'm sorry but he sounds so horrible and mean to your DD sad. My husband would get moody that our dd1 is a Mummy's girl - if I am in the room she comes to me and would ignore him and she will only settle for him at bedtime if she is so exhausted and can't keep her eyes open, but he would never try taking her away from me like that. I would be telling him in no uncertain terms he either packs it in or he packs his bags.

TwoLittleBlooms Mon 29-Aug-16 00:37:35

*dd2 not dd1 - dd1 is a teen!

WrigglyWorm2016 Mon 29-Aug-16 00:46:32

I agree with first pp. our daughter is like this, she's almost two too, she told daddy to "shoo shoo" at bedtime today. The more you push a child towards something or someone the more you turn them away, they need to come to it themselves.

I would be extremely anxious about leaving my daughter with my dh if he had the same attitude as your dp- abusive. His behaviour is not in her best interests, go to your daughter when she needs you.

MiscellaneousAssortment Mon 29-Aug-16 00:48:56

He sounds vile. And edging towards cruel in his efforts to impose his will on his baby. Nice. Hope he's proud of himself.

Has he not learnt the basics of being a parent yet?

You give unconditional love, you don't demand it back in whatever form you've decided it must be displayed. She's 2 yrs old ffs.

It's our job to help their children feel secure and confident enough to thrive in different situations.

It's our job to help them learn to cope with their emotions and a world which can seem exciting and scary.

It's our job to manage their fears until they can manage their fears themselves.

It's not a parents job to deliberately put them in situations where they are overwhelmed by bad feelings and watch them suffer...

Basically he's teaching her the wrong message, because he's not actually thinking about his little girl, it's all about himself.

She's going through a clingy phase which is completely typical. It happens and it passes. She's realising that the world is big and actually, mummy being with her makes it fun, as she's completely secure and feels safe as she knows you'll always protect and reassure her when she needs it.

And yet, instead of thinking, oh ok, its normal, and I can help my toddler through this phase by making sure she feels as safe with me, her daddy, so the clinginess will pass quicker'... Noooo, he's thinking that he wants her to feel differently so he's going to break her in, to force her to feel secure by punishing her, forcing her away from her mummy, and deliberately not preparing, explaining, reassuring and distracting, no why would he do that? He refuses to reassure her that mummy will be back, he just is angry, then gives up and leaves her completely alone, and generally storming around like a stroppy toddler.

That is not the way to build a bond with his child. It's also not the way to help her learn to feel secure. Or to help her understand it's ok for mummy to go, as she'll always come back.

He's doing a great job at showing his dd that she's far better being with her mummy, and that she cannot rely on her daddy. Way to go there champ (idiot).

Problem is, will he listen to you or have any insight into his own behavior and how he is making the clinginess worse? Some people don't want to learn and develop skills, they just want to act like a dick.

Tunafishandlions Mon 29-Aug-16 00:51:30

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PersianCatLady Mon 29-Aug-16 01:09:46

TBH he is acting in a more immature manner than she is.

I feel sorry for you OP, you have really got your work cut out dealing with him.

QueenLizIII Mon 29-Aug-16 01:10:07

What 2 yo isn't clingy with their mother?

I would be more worried if she wasn't like that.

Sounds like he is jealous which is utterly ridiculous.

CafeCremeEtCroissant Mon 29-Aug-16 01:11:07

Furious?

I'd make it very clear that he needs to 'get a clue' re DD or get lost. His attitude is horrible, really horrible. There's no way I'd allow him to do that to her. The ONLY thing that would stop me giving him his marching orders would be that then he'd get more time alone with her to ignore & bully her.

QueenLizIII Mon 29-Aug-16 01:24:16

Also challenge him. Dont allow him to prevent you from seeing your DD is distress. Walk back through the door and take her back away from him.

Absofrigginlootly Mon 29-Aug-16 02:52:02

^^ what a twat. Your 'D'H needs to learn some basics about child development pronto! Otherwise he is wandering into emotionally abusive parenting territory....And I don't use the term emotionally abusive lightly.

He sounds utterly clueless. And yes to everything everyone said above.

My DD is very clingy, she's been that way since birth it's just her temperament.

MIL has the emotional intelligence of a brick (sounds like your DH) and is from the school of thought that babies and children are 2-dimensional beings without their own thoughts and feelings. Very much thinks that every baby should be fine with being passed around like a pass the parcel and tried this shit with DD in the beginning. (I stopped it after the first few times and found my 'mothering balls'!.... Agree with Queenliz above).

The end result was that DD screamed instantly the second MIL got near because she recognized her as 'that woman whose always trying to take me away from my mummy!'

DH has always been very mindful of DDs needs and whenever DD got upset he would always hand her straight back as all she wanted was boobs! He would just focus on playing with her, spending time reading etc and being aware that in DDs mind mum= safety.

Now at the age 22 months DD is going through a real daddy phase! She talks about him all the time and when asked for example 'do you want mummy or daddy to go on the carousel with you?' Will immediately reply "daddy!!"

Just get him to read page 1 of any research/book on how children form secure attachments and he will see that his approach is completely backwards. He will push her further away because your DD will always associate her dad with someone who makes her feel anxious, refuses to acknowledge her feelings and prevents her from seeking her comfort (you). What a pillock

Absofrigginlootly Mon 29-Aug-16 03:00:16

sorry those rouge ^^ make it look like I was calling the post above mine a twat blush

Not what I meant!!!

EttaJ Mon 29-Aug-16 03:08:41

That's bloody terrible OP. Get the fuck out now, he's really going to damage your poor DC. I would go batshit crazy. How fucking dare he. Run.

Absofrigginlootly Mon 29-Aug-16 13:45:50

Hi OP, how are you feeling after reading all of this? What are you going to do?
Has your DH had any time to reflect on his attitude? Are you going to speak to him about it again?

user1471734618 Mon 29-Aug-16 13:47:34

He sounds like my ex. That was one of the reasons why he is EX.

liz70 Mon 29-Aug-16 13:54:47

I would say that anybody who has unrealistic expectations of what a small child is capable of, or what they "should" or "shouldn't be" doing, and then gets frustrated and angry when the child - inevitably - fails to live up to those expectations, is potentially very dangerous to that child. I would be very, very wary.

pudcat Mon 29-Aug-16 14:49:01

What a nasty piece of work. Please don't leave them alone together, because whatever is he going to when she won't stop crying and you are not there. If he wants her to go to him more then he should not spend all day on his hobby. If it were me (and I seldom have this view) I would leave him for the safety and well being of your daughter.

kissmethere Mon 29-Aug-16 15:17:02

He sounds horrible. An nasty with it. He needs to grow up.

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