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Wedding related AIBU

(54 Posts)
HeeHee Sun 28-Aug-16 18:39:42

I have another thread relating to this, but have started a new one to ask this particular question.

Last year my partner and I were invited to a - no children allowed - wedding of a friend of his taking place this summer (DP being a groomsman). Not an extremely close friend, but someone he has known for over a decade, and who I have met before. Some point later I became pregnant, and as it turned out the wedding was to take place 4 and a bit weeks after my scheduled c-section. I had a conversation early on with DP that it may be better for me not to attend, but we agreed that we would see how things go.

Fast forward 9 months later after a baby and a full recovery, out of the blue DP informed me I could no longer attend. He 'assumed' that due to the conversation above I didn't want to go, and so he declined my RSVP. It was too late to change it he said, he apologised and that was that. To note the groom really has been a groom from hell, ordering my DP and the other groomsmen around, being rude, bratty and even insisting DP pick up his suit only days after our baby was born, with no acknowledgement that I was still in hospital with him.

On a separate note I have been feeling very sad and resentful about being so often indoors with the children, especially on warm summer days, and the upcoming wedding has been a focus of animosity, as it would have been the only excuse in the near future for DP and I to get dressed up and spend the day together without the kids. DP has been out himself, with friends, and of course has done lots of running around for the groom. On the eve of the wedding and after an argument DP disappeared, came back and said he had 'sorted it'. I could go, but would have to be ready for 10am, with no outfit, hair not done, no accessories etc. and that we couldn't sit together! I told him I could not be ready with no notice and asked him why he wasn't able to sort this out weeks ago!

It turns out that I was in fact uninvited to the wedding way back when on the basis that the groom didn't know me well enough. Out of all the groomsmen, I was the only spouse who had been uninvited. DP called the groom on the eve and said if I couldn't go, he would not. But he still ended up going and didn't tell me the truth until after the wedding.

AIBU to be both extremely hurt and annoyed? He left me alone at home after seeing how miserable I have been to go and support his friend, who didn't even want me there. He has again apologised, but after the fact it doesn't really mean anything now.

cansu Sun 28-Aug-16 18:45:51

You are being a bit childish tbh. It isn't a friend of yours. Regardless of the groom's behaviour, who you don't like, you put your dh in a shitty position by sulking about him going, moaning no doubt the night before and generally making it shit for him. So much so that he pushed for an invite at the last minute. I would be pretty pissed off with you if I were your dh. FGS a why couldn't you have entertained yourself for one day without him?

mrschatty Sun 28-Aug-16 18:49:18


Congratulations on your baby flowers glad all went well.
Yes I can completely understand why you would like to wait and see how you are before committing to the wedding that's in no way I
Can't believe the groom uninvited you as he didn't know you well enough that's shocking. If you were invited in the first place then that's plain rude. Did you guys receive an invite with both names on too?
It's so U that your dh never told you truth.
It's also so U that he went to support this man who basically disrespected you.
I think it's extremely disrespectful of your husband to you.
Op yanbu

Crisscrosscranky Sun 28-Aug-16 18:49:21

YANBU. An evening reception maybe but my DH wouldn't go to a wedding as part of the wedding party without me. It goes without saying that every groomsman and bridesmaid has a plus one if they want it. I'd be as upset as you without the added emotions of a new baby.

HeeHee Sun 28-Aug-16 18:51:56

Cansu - I didn't sulk about not going, I admittedly sulked that DP himself had 'uninvited' me on the assumption that I would prefer to stay at home looking after the new baby (and other children). For context I will add again, that he has had plenty of days out, and I have had none at all. I do virtually everything in the house, and do all night feeds. It wasn't my day to look forward to, but I just wanted him to acknowledge that I feel sad being trapped at home.

HeeHee Sun 28-Aug-16 18:57:00

Thanks Mrschatty - yes, the original invite had both of our names on it. I have feel silly about it all, and half irrationally angry he still went.

Tiggeryoubastard Sun 28-Aug-16 19:03:09

Slightly off topic but what on earth is a 'groomsman'?

Crunchymum Sun 28-Aug-16 19:06:28

Sorry I'm confused. How old is the baby?

HeeHee Sun 28-Aug-16 19:06:54

Tigger - essentially a male bridesmaid. They seem to have become more popular in recent times.

OlennasWimple Sun 28-Aug-16 19:11:27

Groomsman = usher?

You seem to have been really inconsistent about whether you wanted to go or not, and it's not surprising that this all turned into a bit of a mess.

You also seem to have a wider issue, that you feel you are being left behind and stuck in the house while DH gets to go out and about. Maybe focus on resolving this problem, rather than going over the issue of the wedding, which has been and gone now and no amount of arguing is going to turn back the clock

SenoritaViva Sun 28-Aug-16 19:14:54

I don't think you can really hold it against your dh that you haven't been out much due to first baby stages. That will all change.

I don't think your DH should have accepted you being uninvited although perhaps he thought you wouldn't be keen anyway.

Try not to hold it against him that he went. The groom does sound selfish (I assume he had no children and it didn't cross his mind about taking up your DH's time). I would let it go and see if you can organise something just the two of you soon.

wheresthel1ght Sun 28-Aug-16 19:20:15

Yanbu to be upset but honestly It sounds like he was trying to spare your feelings by telling you he had declined the invite based on your conversation earlier in your pregnancy.

Sounds like he was trying his best to protect you from the arsewipe groom. I would maybe cut him some slack.

MiddleClassProblem Sun 28-Aug-16 19:20:52

I think DP tried to protect you. It's hard for you to see that as it is hurtful to be left out but let's face it, you're not close to the couple so did them.

Please don't be mad at dp. He was caught in the middle and as someone with a role in the wedding he felt a duty and couldn't cancel last minute. It's not like these people hate you or have been slagging you off and he went to support them, they just don't know you. They sound like twats anyway so their loss.

It's totally understandable that you're upset but please be upset with them messing you about and not do going to the wedding.

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut Sun 28-Aug-16 19:20:56

Wow that was a long way to say your dh wasn't honest with you.

I'd have let rip at dh for lying to me. The rest of it? I'd be hurt at first but the fact the groom was a nasty twat would mean i wouldn't even want to go to his wedding.

Btw you don't need an excuse to go out for a bit with just your dh. You just make your childcare arrangements the same way as if there were a wedding to go to. But without the poxy wedding to endure.

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut Sun 28-Aug-16 19:23:00

For context I will add again, that he has had plenty of days out, and I have had none at all. I do virtually everything in the house, and do all night feeds.

Your problem is nothing to do with a wedding. Your partner needs to step up.

DixieWishbone Sun 28-Aug-16 19:24:11

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MumOnTheRunCatchingUp Sun 28-Aug-16 19:24:14

The weddings over?? Move on ...

MissClarke86 Sun 28-Aug-16 19:24:25

YABU, because when you are requested to RSVP you can't say "I'll see how it goes" and expect them to pay for your meal etc regardless of if you go. That's not fair.

If you knew you would still likely be recovering, you say you can't make it and then you stick by it.

NerrSnerr Sun 28-Aug-16 19:26:43

I don't understand why a wedding has to do with you being inside on warm summer days. Why not just go out? If your husband doesn't want to go then just go out with the kids without him.

clam Sun 28-Aug-16 19:26:53

I'd be fucking furious with your dp, if I were you. This is a complete cock-up from start to finish. He's got some serious making- up to do. He owes you, big-time!

KMotion Sun 28-Aug-16 19:39:39

Sounds like everyone's been childish to me.

Congrats on the baby though thanks grin

EdmundCleverClogs Sun 28-Aug-16 19:40:29

Sorry but I think Yabu. As others say, you didn't seem to want to go, and you can't accept/decline on the bases on 'how you feel later'. Considering your partner obviously just wanted the day over and done with (getting earache from all sides about it), it doesn't sound much fun anyway. Wouldn't it be more enjoyable to save 'going out' when it's just you and your partner, when he's not running around for an apparent man child?

I would let it go, not worth the negative feeling.

HeeHee Sun 28-Aug-16 19:43:23

It probably is a red herring, it's not the wedding, it's that he just disregards how I feel - stuck in a rut and taken for granted basically. This groom is not even a close friend of his, so why did he feel the need to go no matter what? I get that he was trying to protect me, but if the shoe was on the other foot I would probably respectfully decline if he was uninvited on a whim. It seems he has known that I wasn't able to go for a lot longer than I did, so had plenty of opportunity to let me know...

Due to the nature of his job, he won't have any more holiday time after this week, so it was pretty much a one-off occasion - hence my issue with doing things while it is still pleasant to go out as a couple or as a family. And I find it difficult to go out with the children, because we have 5 between us. It can feel unmanageable on a good day. I want to just get up and walk out the door, but I don't have the opportunity. Small things can make my day, as sad as it is.

WamBamThankYouMaam Sun 28-Aug-16 19:43:46

Personally it wouldn't bother me. But I dislike weddings generally, and would have no desire whatsoever to go to the wedding of someone I barely know.

It sounds as though you have communication issues with your partner. I mean, you're both adults. Surely you're capable of saying that actually you'd quite like to go, long before the eve of the wedding. I feel quite sorry for your partner. It's seems he can't do right for doing wrong.

ecuse Sun 28-Aug-16 19:44:47

I think, with the best will in the world, YABU. But I will caveat that by saying all women 4.5 weeks post partum are allowed to be U.

You're DH was probably trying to spare your feelings and it would have seemed like win-win if he'd thought you didn't want to go anyway. No reason to upset you etc. Obvs all more complicated when you changed your mind.

But, let's face it, you didn't want to go to this wedding especially you just, wire reasonably, wanted a catalyst to get out of the house, put on something other than milk-encrusted pyjamas and spend some time with your husband.

All of this is totally normal. So focus on finding a chance to do that, and forget the wedding smile.

Congrats on your new baby!

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