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to think we weren't wrong

(53 Posts)
toastymarshmallow Sun 28-Aug-16 13:47:23

DH has this friend. They were best friends since primary school, lived together in late teens/early twenties etc.

Just after DH met me his friend met his now wife. He fell off the face of the earth for a couple of years, changed his number etc. He then showed up again, messaging occasionally, but still really sporadic and he would often start a conversation on messages and when DH replied he would not reply again for months.

We got married, he was best man. His OH came and sat there all day with such a face on. She was rude to other people, she was in and out even during the meal and speeches. TBH on the day I didn't notice it much but a LOT of the guests mentioned it to me after, especially those on the same table. DH was annoyed as his BM had to keep running off after his OH. He told me a few weeks after the wedding that the reason she had been so annoyed was because she wasn't sitting at the top table with BM.

After that we saw/heard even less from him. They had a child, and then they got married. DH was BM. We all went to the wedding (DH me and 2 DCs) but we had to pay for our own meal (WTF??). We invited them round a few times, the friend would come but his wife didn't.

Then he arranged to meet DH for a few drinks, it was supposed to be just them. DH went and the friend's DW had tagged along last minute. She sat there the whole time giving DH dirty looks and making it all really awkward.

That was a year ago. Recently the friend has been messaging again, pretty consistently. DH seemed to be happy with it, it was going well. So I suggested we invite them to go to the zoo with us. They said yes (to our surprise) and we all went to the zoo with the DCs. IMO we had a nice time, we were all chatting away, there didn't seem to be an atmosphere or anything.

A few weeks ago the friend mentioned an event to DH, said they were thinking about going, would we like to go. We said yes, and they said they would confirm if they were going. It was on yesterday. On Wednesday DH messaged and asked were they going, and the friend said he still wasn't sure, but probably not.

Yep, they went. Now DH is angry at me for inviting them to the zoo in the first place. I know he is hurt and later he will apologise to me, I am not worried about that really.

But AIBU to think that enough is enough now? I wasn't wrong to invite them to the zoo, but now we should just stop making any effort as they have made their feelings really clear? I just know that we won't hear from his friend now for a month, and then he will be messaging DH again and DH will be pissed off about the whole thing. I can't tell DH who to be friends with, but if one of my friends treated me like this I would just cut them out and I wish DH would do the same.

FrancisCrawford Sun 28-Aug-16 13:51:22

It is enough for you not to want to see them again. Your DH is another story.

In your place I wouldn't be inviting them anywhere again and would be busy if they suggest a meeting.

Your DH might feel differently though

manyathingyouknow Sun 28-Aug-16 13:51:47

YANBU. They're one of those couples. Steer well clear.

EveOnline2016 Sun 28-Aug-16 13:52:16

Do you think it boils down to your wedding when she was forced to sit with random people when she was BM partner.

Tbh I wouldn't have been happy with that.

Boiing Sun 28-Aug-16 13:54:45

Looks like your DH's best mate married a horrible woman who seems determined to kill their friendship. It looks like she is succeeding. This is very sad for both DH and his (former) best mate. I think you should just stay out of it. There's no need to 'cut him out', I think that's a more female thing to do - just let the relationship be what it is and it will probably fizzle out naturally. Or perhaps the best mate will manage to maintain some kind of friendship. Either way, getting involved will only draw some of the aggro towards you. If you tell him to lose touch then years later DH may blame you a little. Just leave them to it.

toastymarshmallow Sun 28-Aug-16 13:56:10

She wasn't forced to sit with random people, she was sat with her SIL (the BM's sister) who she gets on really well with and a girl she has been friends with for years.

On the other hand, at their wedding I was sat at a table with people I had never met before, and I didn't mind because why would I have been sitting at the top table when I wasn't part of the wedding party?

QforCucumber Sun 28-Aug-16 13:56:19

eve my dp was best man at his friends wedding, I wasn't and wouldn't ever have expected to be sat at the top table with them.
Noone does surely?

LondonBus Sun 28-Aug-16 13:57:24

Let the men be friends or not as they see fit.

Don't try to have anymore days out or meet ups which involve the wives. It's more hassle than it's worth.

OlennasWimple Sun 28-Aug-16 13:58:39

Let DH and his friend find their own way to maintain their friendship, leaving you and the OH (and your families) out of it.

Sounds as if she has heard something that means she doesn't like you, for whatever reason. I think it's probably too late to try to rectify this, as other stuff has happened since to cement that poor relationship. FWIW the OH of our BM didn't sit at the same table as him (we had a very small top table), and she managed to cope with it fine.

toastymarshmallow Sun 28-Aug-16 13:58:58

This is very sad for both DH and his (former) best mate. I think you should just stay out of it.

I absolutely agree and this is why I have kept trying for so long. I have no intention of telling DH to cut him out, but it is incredibly frustrating to watch my lovely DH be treated like this over and over. And he is so keen to avoid confrontation he will never try to assert himself.

JudyCoolibar Sun 28-Aug-16 14:03:11

Why is your DH angry that you invited them to the zoo? Does he think you shouldn't have? If so, why did he go along with it?

beepbeeprichie Sun 28-Aug-16 14:03:14

Eve you expect the plus one of the best man to be at the top table?! Really?! I've never been to a wedding where that happened.

toastymarshmallow Sun 28-Aug-16 14:03:56

The issue is that apart from the times he came to ours without her, she is there every time they try to have a meet up that is just them.

That pisses me off, and I don't think I am wrong in that either. She sits there with the two of them while I am at home because DH was under the impression it was supposed to just be him and his friend. Why is it one rule for her and another for me?

BreakfastAtSquiffanys Sun 28-Aug-16 14:07:13

I don't think the Best Man's wife usually sits on top table unless she is a Bridesmaid. I assume the OP and her DH made sure DW was seated with ok people

midcenturymodern Sun 28-Aug-16 14:07:21

Let them get on with it. I have a friend I've know for yonks. We go years with no contact then pick up where we left off. We are in a 'contact' period at the moment after 5 years of silence. I know we'll drift away again and then come back together. I don't know why we do it, I guess it's just the nature of our relationship. I'd rather stick pins in my eyes than spend time with her DH though and my DH thinks she's 'entitled'. He doesn't use that word but he would if he was a mumsneter. I guess people are weird and sometimes it's best not to think about it too hard.

toastymarshmallow Sun 28-Aug-16 14:07:33

I think he feels like a mug for trying yet again and nothing changing.

Which I totally get. But I suggested it because I thought that was what a supportive wife does. DH told me that he had had a conversation with his friend about how their kids don't really know each other and they don't really know each others kids etc. It was off the back of that that I suggested the zoo.

HandbagCrazy Sun 28-Aug-16 14:07:33

YANBU

DH was Bm recently for a very good friend who I introduced him to. I wasn't at the top table and didn't expect to be!

WRT the friend, DH has one similar. His wife is bloody horrible so he gets in touch every so often, then she kicks off about some perceived slight and we don't hear off them for ages. After a lot of this (and a disastrous holidays together where I sort of lost my shit and asked what yer problem was) I just don't see them anymore. DH and his friend speak and meet up every so often. I never go, and neither does friends wife.

Just step back from it all OP. Don't talk about the friend, don't invite them to anything and turn down every invite from them. If your DH wants to see his friend he can go on his own.

Mummyoflittledragon Sun 28-Aug-16 14:10:19

Sounds like this woman wants him all to herself for some reason. It really speaks volumes about her. Low self esteem I expect. I would let your dh get on with it and make "oh dear" and sympathy noises if he gets treated badly again. Your dh needs to come to his own conclusion. All you can tell him is how wonderful he is. I'd have no involvement with them either.

2kids2dogsnosense Sun 28-Aug-16 14:17:39

She sounds like a jealous, manipulative witch. She daren't let him out of her sight in case he enjoys himself, controls who he sees and when and where, makes him abandon long-standing friendships . . .

. . . if this was gender-reversed we would all be telling the woman to "Get out - NOW", but because it's a bloke who's being manipulated it's somehow harder to see.

Have you any idea what her relationship with his family is like? I will bet last rolo that she has distanced him from his parents/siblings and anyone else he was close to.

She is dangerous. As you say - your DH is a grown-up and can be friends with who he likes; you have tried to make a "family" friendship - husbands, wives and kids - and she has thrown it back in your face;all you can do now is step back from it and be there to support your DH when his mate inevitably abandons him for another three years!

I suppose you could suggest that you go with DH the next time they meet for a pint, but do you really want to be sitting there with her with a face like a collapsed lung, saying nowt and just glaring at everyone?

Let your DH take the lead on this and bite your tongue (hard as it must be),

AcrossthePond55 Sun 28-Aug-16 14:18:46

I've been in a similar situation. DH's BFF married a real piece of work. She just can't stand him having anything of 'his own'. Friends, hobbies, holidays. She's EA and has managed to cut him off from everyone but her friends and her family (with the exception of minimal contact with two of his siblings to keep him from suspecting her).

We tried for about five years to maintain a friendship. DH and BFF attended a week long sports event together for years, after he married her I started going to 'keep her company' (at her request) as she wouldn't let him go 'alone'. It was miserable. Finally we just stopped going. DH told BFF that the friendship was now up to him as DH was tired of trying to placate her so BFF wouldn't 'get in trouble'. They have minimal contact via FB (though a sport club page) and it's pretty much behind her back.

Your husband's friend is in an emotionally abusive relationship.

Champers4Pampers Sun 28-Aug-16 14:26:08

Totally not the point of the post but is it normal to have the best mans partner/wife sit at the top table of a wedding?

TowerRavenSeven Sun 28-Aug-16 14:26:22

I've had to sit at the 'minions' table and it does suck! To be honest she was probably bored silly (I was) and was looking to pass the time, I don't think that is such a major offense given she wasn't important enough to sit at the head table.

But I don't think this led to them being wishy washy as far as events now. I'd just stay out of it and let dh see his friend by himself if he wants.

TowerRavenSeven Sun 28-Aug-16 14:28:15

Forgot to add my bridesmaids with s/o or husbands did sit at our head table precisely for that reason.

Oliversmumsarmy Sun 28-Aug-16 14:30:01

Any chance of next time dh and his friend meet up for a drink you go along too. You could wait in the car and let dh text to say she is there in which case go in and join them, or she isn't in which case go home and pick dh up later

UnGoogleable Sun 28-Aug-16 14:31:39

She clearly doesn't like you OP, and that's not your fault - there's nothing you can do about it.

Don't bother trying to have a relationship with them, and leave your DH to sort his own friendship out as he sees fit. It's annoying to you if you're not invited to his 'boys' nights out then she turns up - but I bet it's a damn sight more annoying to your DH. So if he doesn't like it, let him raise the issue. If you said / did anything you'd be seen as the bad guy.

Stay well out of it.

My DH's best friend has a similarly odious partner. She has made it perfectly clear she doesn't like me. I used to try and make an effort, and now I don't bother. I tell DH that I won't do any 'couply' things with them, and that's fine. DH can't stand her, and his friend is perfectly aware of how rude she is, so he doesn't expect anyone to want to be around her either. It's not my problem.

I suggest you take a similar attitude to this woman. Don't give her another moment's thought.

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