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To think it's kinder to spend time with someone you find annoying than unfriend them

(47 Posts)
dranaksjd Sun 28-Aug-16 13:03:56

I have a group of close friends. We all get on brilliantly and truly care for each other.

Recently I got back in contact with someone I've known from a young age. She can be attention seeking, selfish, a bit of a fantasist, and a user of people. But she can also be kind, loyal, supportive.

I wouldn't say she's a bad person, just lacking in social skills and has a lot to learn before she becomes someone others would want to be friends with. She has literally no one but me.

I invite her out with my friends sometimes but they have now asked if she can not be invited as she spends the whole time talking about her boyfriend she's met online. While we've tried to encourage other topics and teach her how to converse l,
she cannot seem to converse normally and her conversation is very draining.

She is also very attention seeking.

She started calling me her best friend and coming round to my house constantly which I found smothering.

I decided to meet up about once every month for a few hours as she has no one else and invite to a few social events where she can maybe meet someone else and have some company.

But I don't enjoy her company. I would be doing it for her.

My friends feel it's not my responsibility to be her source of company and I owe her nothing. They also said its not a lack of opportunities but her personality which is the reason she has no friend (this is true).

I've always continued meeting up but I'm beginning to think I'm being two-faced. My friends think if I don't really Like her or enjoy her company, it's kinder to not meet up at all as meeting up will make her think she has a friend.

Are they right? My heart was in the right place, but I guess I've done the wrong thing without meaning to.

MindSweeper Sun 28-Aug-16 13:06:30

It's kinder for the person I would say yeah, but it's not kind to yourself.

I would find this person exhausting and I think life is too short and our time is so limited that I don't want to waste it by spending it with people I don't like. It may sound harsh but there ye go.

maggiethemagpie Sun 28-Aug-16 13:06:33

Yes it is kinder, but no one should feel obliged. Or feel like they deserve a big medal for spending time with someone who they don't really like. Actually, if I forced myself to spend time with someone I didn't like I'd probably get all grumpy and off with them, which would be worse in the long run.

dranaksjd Sun 28-Aug-16 13:07:41

I don't actually dislike her. I just find her presence draining due to the fact she talks online about her online boyfriend and nothing else and we've never been able to get her to converse differently.

She is also a bit of a fantasist. She says she's got a masters degree in accounting but we all know she has never been to university. She left the country from the age of 18-23 and she is now 24. She can't have studied at the UK university she claims to have.

We are a professionals so she feel she needs to lie. It all comes down to low self esteem.

bibbitybobbityyhat Sun 28-Aug-16 13:09:32

Kinder to who?

It all sounds a bit martyrish to me, I'm afraid.

Pagwatch Sun 28-Aug-16 13:09:59

I'm not sure to be honest.

I can see why you'd be feeling two faced if your friends are all criticising her.

Pagwatch Sun 28-Aug-16 13:12:03

Have you actually said to her 'Crikey, can we just stop talking about your boyfriend all the time. I'm sure he's lovely but I can't cope with every conversation being about him'

Queenbean Sun 28-Aug-16 13:13:31

I find that life is too short to spend it with people I don't really like.

Someone from my wider group of friends is exhausting to be around. Always has to be right, points out inconsistencies with stories, corrects people, has an opinion about bloody everything, and tells really boring stories that go on for ages and is generally lacking social skills.

I made the decision that although I wouldn't be unkind or unfriendly to her, I just took a step back and chose the events I would go to a bit more carefully / how much time I spend with her.

It's so refreshing and lovely not to be with that kind of negative person all the time!

Don't be friends with her just for a favour. If you like her, great. If you don't, don't. Btw, does she know how awful she is? Would you be able to kindly give her some pointers which would help her be a bit more popular?

Arfarfanarf Sun 28-Aug-16 13:13:43

Is it kind to pretend to be the friend of someone you dont really like or is it
a) patronising and
b) taking their time and wasting it when they could find and build a friendship with someone who genuinely enjoys their company.

People can tell a fake. Even if it's just a niggling feeling.

You arent being kind to her.
You might feel good about yourself because you feel kind or you might be pleased because you are conflict avoidant but that's not the same thing.

PacificOcean Sun 28-Aug-16 13:13:47

It's up to you whether to spend time with her. But I think you should stop asking her when you go out with these friends.

ilovesooty Sun 28-Aug-16 13:15:38

I agree with Pagwatch

It would be kinder to tell her this rather than tolerating or patronising her.

ApproachingATunnel Sun 28-Aug-16 13:17:59

It might be kinder but you might also find that you will get invited to less outings with your friends. You can still continue talking to her but i think you should take your friends words into account.

Ragwort Sun 28-Aug-16 13:19:37

^^ As Pagwatch says, the real kindness (and yes, it's going to be difficult) would be to gently have a chat with her about her social skills and ability to make relationships.

Trills Sun 28-Aug-16 13:20:15

Your friends are right.

If I were you I'd be doing some introspection. What is it that makes you want to do this?

Do you feel like you owe it to her for some reason?

Do you think she's not capable of making friends who actually like her and enjoy her company?

dranaksjd Sun 28-Aug-16 13:21:23

We've definetly tried to steer the conversation and have explicitly told her she talks too much about him. But it's like she cannot talk about anything else.

I wonder if she has OCD.

She's not a bad person, but yes, I find her draining. I feel bad saying that but it is the truth. But she has no one else. So if I don't meet up with her she has no company.

littleprincesssara Sun 28-Aug-16 13:22:09

It's not kinder, I think it's pretty hurtful to her actually.

Just because you don't like her, doesn't mean no one else does/will.

Squeegle Sun 28-Aug-16 13:22:44

She sounds like she she may have some kind of asd or add type issue. And as such it is kind to be friends. However you may wish to do this on a one to one basis rather than with your friends

FeliciaJollygoodfellow Sun 28-Aug-16 13:23:28

It doesn't make you a better person to be doing this you know. How does she learn anything exactly by you not ever telling her she is annoying and just continuing to spend time with her and not calling her out on her bullshit? (Although, quite a few UK universities do online masters courses now you know).

dranaksjd Sun 28-Aug-16 13:23:40

Simply put, I feel sorry for her. And I also feel cruel to end contact as she sees me as her only way to socialise. But I suppose that's not my Problem.

KatieScarlett Sun 28-Aug-16 13:23:45

She's not a charity case.

MindSweeper Sun 28-Aug-16 13:23:52

Do we always have to try to diagnose someone with something? hmm

bramblesandblackberries Sun 28-Aug-16 13:24:12

It is kinder, although there are limits.

My brother has ASD and really struggles with friendships. I do really appreciate the friends who don't abandon him to be honest, although at the same time I don't blame the ones who have.

FaithAscending Sun 28-Aug-16 13:25:40

Hmm, tricky one. Do you think she could possibly have Asperger's/ASD? I ask because I can be a bit like this and I do. It does sound like she has some social issues.

I think if you genuinely like her but find her conversation difficult, it's worth being a bit blunter with her and asking to move the conversation on....I don't take hints very well. I have a friend who actually said once So are you going to ask me how I am? blush if someone asks me to talk about me, I will! The lying would annoy me though.

dranaksjd Sun 28-Aug-16 13:26:06

The university she went to does not do online courses. Her parents have also told us she does not have any form of qualification except GCSE's. It doesn't matter, the only thing that matters is that she lies about it.

We have always been honest with her and I had an honest discussion either her about some of the things I find challenging about her. It was a really hard conversation but it made absolutely no difference.

Squeegle Sun 28-Aug-16 13:26:16

mind of course not, but we also have to realise that not everyone who has less than perfect social skills needs to be ostracised, and that there may be reasons why she talks obsessively. Sometimes a bit of kindness and sympathy doesn't go amiss.

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