AIBU to ask you who is BU?(61 Posts)
I am currently stuck in the middle of my DH and DSIS and DM and finding it hard. I have 4 year old just about to start school and 6 month old. My DSIS had two children 6 and 4 another one on the way. My parents lucky enough to own house abroad which we have used I past along with rest of family. We are trying to sort out next years holidays we will be restricted to school holidays. My DSIS is favourited and parents provide a lot of childcare, next year they will be away for whole summer , as my DSIS will be on mat leave and won't need childcare. (I might but it's their prerogative). We were discussing looking at flights to go see parents next summer when DM pipes up that DSIS will be there the whole 6 weeks along with children, dbil will be for two weeks this makes trying to visit difficult as only 3 bedrooms not enough room. I tried speaking to DSIS who isn't sure of dates flying yet and waiting for cheap flights to come out. DH is angry as he thinks it's selfish as no one esle can affectively visit and neither of them have thought about my children seeing grandparents or us fitting holiday in school holiday time, effectively a cheaper holiday too. He also thinks it's weird that dbil won't see his children including 5 month old baby for a month. I am stuck I see both sides but also peed off that DSIS gets favourited again and my parents don't care if me and my children don't see them for 3 months. It's convinent that they provided childcare for my DSIS this whole summer holiday and stayed at home but next year bugger off. It's creating a lot of tension please help!
have your parents provided childcare in last four years for u while u work?
Is the issue that you can't stay in the holiday home during the six weeks holidays because she will be using all the rooms?
If they aren't bothered that they don't see you for 3 months, I'd probably not bother going at all. I know it's probably cheaper having accommodation for cheap/free but I'd be inclined to go somewhere else.
The only thing you can do is either not book flights at all and abandon the idea of visiting them or wait until your brother in law has booked his flight and work round him.
They don't want you to book flights because they are prioritising your sister.
You can't book flights anyway, because you don't tell someone when you are visiting. They are in control of their home.
You can't make people behave how you want them to behave. That's not within your power. What you can do is choose to not accept it and remove yourself.
And that's what I'd do.
They concern themselves so much with your sister - let that be their family.
You concentrate on your own and leave them to it.
I understand your husband's anger. It must hurt him to see how little you and his children are valued compared to your sister.
God knows it hurts so much when your children just aren't as important to your parents as your sibling's are!
But that's not where your choice is, sadly. They will do what they will do.
So do you take the crumbs off their table or do you piss off and set up your own table?
They helped with my daughter for two years when my DM had her own business same with my DSIS children. I then out my dd into another nursery as parents ad hoc when around and couldn't guarantee availability my DSIS didn't and they provide childcare for her any time. I know it's not a gibbon but for last two years they haven't no. The issue is she will be using up two of the bedrooms and parents are there anyway. I have tried to work around but just get told no DSIS is coming , first dbil was going first two weeks also now he might be first week then last week. It just seems to be revolving around them.
If I remove myself then my children miss out as when around my dd loves to go see them but I am starting to feel they are second best if broach this I get it thrown at me.
Given that your DSis hasn't booked flights yet I think now is the time to strike.
I would find some flights and tell your parents that you would like to come for a week/two weeks on X date - either at the beginning or the end of the school holidays so it leaves time for your sister - and that you need to book the flights now.
If your parents object you can point out that a) Dsis hasn't booked her flights yet; and that b) this still leaves her with 4 weeks whereas you only get 2 weeks.
If they object to that then I think you are really best not investing any more in this idea emotionally and just book a separate holiday.
However I also think that the issue of how long your DBIL gets to spend with his children is none of either your or your DH's business.
I think you need to simply book something else and when they bring it up you can point out there aren't enough bedrooms for you to visit as 5-6 adults and 4 children won't fit in 3 bedrooms. Agree with them it's a shame. And in future ensure all contact is at your convenience.
Yes it hurts but if they won't listen you have to move on.
I have done the idea of dates I gave them a date and was met with DSIS is coming for whole 6 weeks it was basically rebutted and I have to work around her. The issue of children isn't my business but I think it's more DH wouldn't go that long without seeing a new baby - unless it had to be for work etc . The family are very close and do lots of things together as soon as I pull out I get shunned
If I say that my children are treated differently I get told they don't they get about the same financially but that's not the issue . My DH gets angry and I get stuck in the middle as its family. I generally get on well with DSIS and my children with their cousins
They have suggested we go visit but 5 adults and 5 children in a small 3 bed will be hell
but what is it then that you think your options are?
I'm not talking about how things ought to be - that is very clear. But how things ought to be has no power over how things are.
So what do you think you can actually do?
Yes, it's crap. Yes, they're wrong to favour your sister. Yes, you should be able to see them.
But what can you actually do? That's the question.
As to your children.
It's not that great to grow up knowing you aren't as important as your cousins, tbh.
Put the ball back in their court and see how they react. Ask them calmly when your DC will get to see their GPs over the summer holidays.
I wouldn't bother. Shop around for a holiday elsewhere and let them get on with it.
I get this but actually putting this all into practice is very hard I am the one that ends up taking the blame
You will, hopefully, get to the point where you refuse to accept the blame. That will be a turning point. when they no longer have the power to upset you.
So your damned if you do and damned if you don't.
Concentrate on your own family book a different holiday. If asked explain.
I'd be inclined to make my own arrangements with my own family. Leave them to instigate any conversations about it and when asked say you've made your own arrangements as you couldn't fit around your sister's dates.
If they want to see you let them work around you...
It would appear that you have not got access to the holiday home. Or you are an afterthought after your sister picks and chooses when her family are there.
So go somewhere else. What are they going to do? Pretend that you had access all along? Blame you for what exactly?
I agree. Don't make a fuss. Just book something somewhere else for you and DH and your children and say nowt! If they ask tell them where you are going. Don't comment on why. They either won't give a toss in which case you know where you stand and can have a nice holiday yourselves, or will ask you why and you can nicely explain that as they said DSIS was goung to be there all summer and you could see how squashed it would be, you decided just to make things easier for everyone. Sad not to see GP of course but couldn't be helped with the space situation.
Mango has really nailed it here OP. Ask them when they are going to see their GC's and let them take the lead. If the answer is never then you have your answer really.
I would book a holiday to go somewhere else as a family and enjoy yourself whilst there.
Thanks it's very hard but it's becoming clear through various things that we are becoming an after though we are being careful with money as having an extension and remortgaging. Everyone wacks it on a credit card we get frowned on as we can't keep up! Our jobs aren't deemed as important enough as theirs. A year ago my DM was caught slagging my parenting skills off on a voicemail she had accidentally recorded. She was with my sister and auntie. It was left on my phone. I have a sister getting married shortly and I am only one not staying as its £250 a night and 20 mins from home. I am on mat leave and we haven't had a holiday this year. I am the one that gets shunned as I don't tow the line
Why don't you just put it back on them? "I was looking at booking flights for holiday, let me know what dates suit for us to come."
If they give you dates that your sister is going to be there ask them how the sleeping arrangements will work.
Make them verbalise how they see it working. From what you say, they don't really want you to come but they want that decision to come from you so that you are the bad guy. Force them into the bad guy role.
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