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To tell my DC that their cheating dad broke my family up not me for refusing to put up with his behaviour :-(

(159 Posts)

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GuacamoleHole Sat 27-Aug-16 12:24:27

That's it really.

There's a massive backstory but I have two very angry DC right now and will have to sort them out rather than type out tomes

Dh has been a serial arsehole. I've taken him back time after time because I was scared he and his family would take away my children (the PIL have done this twice before with my SIL being sectioned about 5 years ago)

I decided to mentally check out of the whole relationship about 5 years ago.
- got counselling last year(ongoing) medical treatment and got training so I could have skills for a job around the children. The trust was so gone that I started to get very ill- I've tried to have my own separate life in preparation for this time but my H is very charming, has money and a lot of influence- to everyone around us they see him as a wonderful family man and believe the Facebook and Instagram fake dad he really is- they don't see the other side to his social media presence which looks for prostitutes online and trawls his little black book for no strings thrills

I'm so hurt right now. I feel like I've wasted my life. I'm ashamed. I've not told any friends yet but the children know and they are so unhappy. I want to tell them how hard it's been for me and how much their dad has put my sexual,emotional and physical health at risk (he gave me a black eye last year when I snatched his phone off him to find the latest woman he was trying to woo)

What do I do?

I have a solicitor booked for next Wednesday

Bumpmadethemjump Sat 27-Aug-16 12:25:54

Why on earth did you stay with him after he gave you a black eye?! How old are the dc?

Mellowautumn Sat 27-Aug-16 12:26:23

How old are they?

ImperialBlether Sat 27-Aug-16 12:27:19

I think what you tell them has to be age-appropriate and honest.

brightspark2 Sat 27-Aug-16 12:27:46

How old are they ? I would see the solicitor and have a plan first, then sit them down, explain about the cheating and violence in age appropriate terms and calmly say you don't want to be married to or live with him any more but that it is about you and him and nothing they have done and that you will both still
love them just the same.

ghostyslovesheep Sat 27-Aug-16 12:29:41

I'm not sure what you are asking or what's happened as your post is a bit confusing but NO you don't involve the kids in the adult emotional stuff - they are kids

My ex cheated and left me for afair number 3 when our youngest was 16 weeks old - they now live together - all the kids know is that we didn't get on and decided it was better to live apart

And yes they throw stuff at me but for their sake I take it on the chin - it's what adults have to do

Crisscrosscranky Sat 27-Aug-16 12:30:12

It depends how old they are but your immediate concern needs to be finding a solicitor.

Bumpmadethemjump Sat 27-Aug-16 12:30:18

Oh and tell the solicitor everything, have you got proof of the prostitutes or a photo of the black eye he gave you?

GuacamoleHole Sat 27-Aug-16 12:32:09

They are 13 and 9
Eldest adores me

I've pretty much brow ugly them up alone up u too last year when I kicked him out and told him a couldn't live with someone who disrespected me.

He gave up his job and relocated nearby and has been home every night since at 6pm

I rather enjoyed being faux single to be honest

Sorry - I'm a miserable bitch right now.

I unlocked his phone a couple of days ago and he's at it again

This time. I'm ready
And I'm ready to fight.

Squeegle Sat 27-Aug-16 12:33:23

Please tell some one in real life that you trust. You need that support. Agree with the others what you say has to be age appropriate. It is awful - but he is their dad, the only dad they will ever have and so what you say will impact on their own view of themselves. It's really important that you are as neutral as you can be when talking about him. While not taking on any blame yourself of course. I am so sorry you have had to put up with this, it must be hard. Put yourself first and get yourself some support so you can be strong for them flowers

GuacamoleHole Sat 27-Aug-16 12:34:23

I have the email asked for a prostitute that he can do anal with and take photos with oh yes and I have the black eye recorded by my nurse and photos

I do not want to put myself but I was physically not able to leave last year.

MinonsMovie Sat 27-Aug-16 12:37:11

I think you need to be careful what you tell them. Make sure any information is for their own good and not to punish DH. What type of questions are they asking you?

Sparklesilverglitter Sat 27-Aug-16 12:37:41

I don't think young children ever need to know what went on between their parents in a marriage. All they need to know is it's over.

You need to find a friend to talk to.

Eatthecake Sat 27-Aug-16 12:40:08

Children should never know what went on in a broken down realtionship. All they need to know is it's over. Yes the ask questions but that stops in time

You need to find a friend to confide in

ghostyslovesheep Sat 27-Aug-16 12:42:09

I think also - because you sound very angry and hurt ( rightly so) you may end up off loading on to them when what they need to see is mum calm and stable x

GuacamoleHole Sat 27-Aug-16 12:42:30

I cannot tell anyone here. Everyone is my Hs friend he is the town pillar

I'm going to tell my parents next week and they'll hopefully fly over to be with me.

Thank you for posting

I feel I can let it all out confused

DeathAnTaxes Sat 27-Aug-16 12:47:09

Can someone explain the mummy martyrdom of 'don't tell, just let them be angry at you and take it on the chin?

Of course they are going to be angry at a parent when their world is torn apart. WHy should they be angry at the wrong parent? Why should you lie and gaslight your own children?

They will be aware that daddy fucked up in the future and was you want to tell them basically tell them it was mummy's fault, which in turn means you really should have stayed and taken it?

No fuck that shit.

Daddy hit mommy. You don't hit people. Ever. Full stop.

Daddy cheated on mommy. You do not cheat on your partner. Full stop.

BestZebbie Sat 27-Aug-16 12:49:01

I disagree with the 'children shouldn't know' blanket statement - it affects them hugely, and it isn't fair on the wronged party in an abusive situation to have to cover up for the abuser.

On the other hand, I don't think that they need non-age-appropriate details such as "Daddy wanted to find a prostitute who would do anal" (when they are children - if they are still desperate for deathbed closure from you as adults then why not).

Instead of saying 'we don't get along', you could think of something accurate but non-explicit, such as 'daddy wants to have lots of girlfriends but you aren't allowed to have girlfriends when you have a wife, so we cant be married anymore.'

ghostyslovesheep Sat 27-Aug-16 12:51:22

Wow what a lot of anger - I don't gaslight my children and it's unfair to insinuate abusive behaviour my kids spend 3 night a week with him and her how would it be for them to feel conflicted and torn between the three of us? Far better they like us all - for their sakes

GuacamoleHole Sat 27-Aug-16 12:51:36

I have no friends that he hasn't integrated into their lives. sad

I have nobody.

That's why I am here.

It make sense it telling them. I'm just not sure how much more blame I can take from the children

GuacamoleHole Sat 27-Aug-16 12:53:10

Death that made me cry.

WellErrr Sat 27-Aug-16 12:53:18

Totally agree Taxes.

Well done for deciding to get out OP flowers

WellErrr Sat 27-Aug-16 12:53:57

And please get this moved to Relationships OP, AIBU is a snake pit at the moment.

trafalgargal Sat 27-Aug-16 12:56:17

I agree they don't need to know details , basic facts like you don't hit people and you don't have girlfriends if you are married is as far as it should go.

Whatever you say he'll deny it to them anyway so no point in getting too explicit, save that for the solicitor.

GuacamoleHole Sat 27-Aug-16 12:56:46

I was such a good mum
I did everything alone
I did everything despite being conditioned by his family and treated like shit.
I'm going to be free to do what I like one day.

I just want to be happy and trust people again

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