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AIBU to be upset by this

(15 Posts)
redlittlesquirrel Fri 26-Aug-16 22:50:50

I work in a team of about 19 people, most of whom are female. When we have team after work outings, I don't always go as they just all want to get drunk (guys and ladies) and that just doesn't interest me at all, so if they're planning a "big night" then I tend to decline, or say I'm busy. I do go for other things things though, leaving dos, a few drinks, quizzes etc. There are a few of us who are the same - not going to go out for the sake of it.

Today, after we'd all finished for the day, pretty much all the women in the team (minus maybe one or two) all left together and were apparently going to a local restaurant/bar for cocktails. The team are spread out over 3 banks of desks and the majority of the team are on 2 banks of desks, with just me and two other girls on the final bank. The bank I am on is the closest to the door so they all had to pass my bank of desks, as they did they asked the two other girls if they were ready to go. They all left together and all obviously knew that there was a plan in place, so it wasn't a last minute decision to go...and from the looks of it I am the only female on the team who wasn't invited. I hadn't heard anyone talk about it (apart from one of the girls on my bank of desk who had asked about an hour earlier what the name of one of the cocktails they served at the restaurant was, as nothing else had been mentioned I just thought it was a bit of a random question) so it isn't just that someone had an idea a minute or two before everyone left for the day or anything.

Nothing had been mentioned out loud as far as I heard, so it must have been arranged by email at some point, and it just seems like a deliberate attempt to exclude me. This isn't the first time that selective people had been invited to something (the whole place is very clique-y, at times it feels like a school in a teen movie) but this is the first time I can remember where it is just the girls having a girls night out (or whatever) and that seems to make it even worse because it's so obvious that I've been excluded.

AIBU to be upset/hurt by this? I'm not having a particularly good time at work at the moment (other things are going on, nothing to do with the rest of the team) and I am feeling very stressed, unsettled, not sleeping properly etc so I don't know if I'm just being a bit overly sensitive but it has made me feel completely crap. It has felt like a long, awful week as it is and this has just made me feel even worse.

ABloodyDifficultWoman Fri 26-Aug-16 23:18:28

YANBU. It's shitty behaviour but so typical of many workplaces. Not sure what you can do beyond not giving a crap or at least appearing not to!

ToNewFutures Fri 26-Aug-16 23:23:28

I hope what I've said doesn't come across as harsh as that is not my intention:

I would ask yourself this one question:
If they had asked you, would you have gone?

You don't like going out for drinks for the sake of it, they obviously see you saying no and probably believe you do not wish to be a part of the action. It could be that they didn't say anything all day so that they didn't make you feel excluded.

I myself would always say no to nights out with people from work too (because I don't drink and IMO can find better things to spend my money on). So I see where you are coming from, even with the feelings of exclusion(!) But you have got to think of it from their side too. They may be thinking you aren't interested in their company.

HarryDresdensLeatherDuster Fri 26-Aug-16 23:40:21

YANBU to feel hurt at all. It is horrible to feel excluded from anything, but if you always turn down invitations to drinks things and they organise a drinks thing, then you can see why they didn't ask you.

Not very nice behaviour if you were the only one not invited though!

redlittlesquirrel Fri 26-Aug-16 23:40:40

You don't sound harsh. I have asked myself those same questions. I don't really think it is anything to do with that though, as there are other people who feel the same as me, and will not go out a lot of the time, and they were still invited.
When I said about not going out for the sake of it, I mean that they will go out solely to get drunk. I have no desire to get drunk (in fact, whereas I quite enjoy the feeling of being a bit tipsy, I really dislike being drunk) and the majority of them are the kind of people that will get drunk every weekend (a few months ago we had a departmental celebration and I did go out for a couple of drinks and one of the guys was on antibiotics so couldn't drink and he was acting like it was the worst thing in the world, when I said that he could have a good night without drinking, he looked at me as if I'd just said it would be okay to kill a basket of puppies), which is fine if that's what they want to do, but it's not my idea of a good time. If it's just for a few drinks or a meal or something, I'm happy to go, but I don't really want to waste money/an evening getting drunk for the sake of it.

Though, as it happens, after a crappy week, I could have quite happily had a cocktail or two!

19lottie82 Fri 26-Aug-16 23:43:35

If you keep saying no, then they're going to stop asking, and it looks like they have. I'm not saying there isn't anything wrong in not wanting to go out drinking with them, but you admitted in your OP that if the nights going to be centred round alcohol, then you don't go.

redlittlesquirrel Fri 26-Aug-16 23:43:49

I don't always turn invites down, and there were a few of the people that were invited that never go out for big drinking sessions either,, so I get the impression it isn't that.

19lottie82 Fri 26-Aug-16 23:44:59

Maybe you were just over looked then? I wouldn't take it to personally, these things often happen. Why not invite yourself along, if you fancied a cocktail?

TheGruffaloMother Fri 26-Aug-16 23:47:22

YAB a bit U. I get why you feel a bit hurt but they've obviously developed closer friendships, possibly during the occasions where you've chosen not to participate. You can't really expect them to be secretive about their friendships now. It seems to me like you keep your work relationships more superficial, which is completely fine, but you can't have it both ways.

redlittlesquirrel Sat 27-Aug-16 19:41:02

19lottie82 I don't think it was a case of being "overlooked" as I was sat with two of the ones who were invited so they could have just said "do you fancy coming?". I didn't invite myself along because they obviously didn't want me there or they would have invited me to begin with. I don't really want to be somewhere where I'm not welcome!

TheGruffaloMother I'm not expecting anyone to be secretive about their friendships, I realise people are going to be closer to some people than others. Other people forming friendships doesn't bother me. What does bother me is when literally every female on the team but me (including the ones that go out about as often as me) is invited. I don't know, maybe I am being unreasonable. Just seems a bit harsh.

Nanny0gg Sat 27-Aug-16 20:40:00

If there are 20 people in an office and 19 of them go out without inviting No 20, of course she will feel excluded.

So YANBU to be hurt and you can't have been 'overlooked' if they walked past you. Even if you weren't likely to go, it would have been kind to give you the option. And I can''t imagine that anyone would be comfortable inviting themselves along in such a situation.

Are you close enough to any of them to ask about it later next week?

Sorry they were so unkind. flowers

pennefabredux Sat 27-Aug-16 22:54:39

Agree - they were insensitive and YANBU.

Work can be very cliquey. It's the nature of people with all their foibles spending so much time together.

I have found when I've been excluded, it was never really out of nastiness. And I've found that I note it and just move on. I also have sometimes wanted to go out with only 1-2 others because of the topic of conversation. But haven't experienced the 19 out of 20 invited thing.

My DC experienced the 18 out of 20 non invite - to be told that DC was #19. So sorry. I was more upset than DC about this. Good learning experience for me. Less sensitive now.

But I never forget the slights ... Just file them away.

Champagneformyrealfriends Sat 27-Aug-16 22:58:25

We didn't get invited out for MIL's DH birthday meal. We don't like him-we wouldn't have gone. We didn't care.

It's insensitive of them yes, but I'd try not to let it bother you. flowers

AbyssinianBanana Sat 27-Aug-16 23:00:14

So, if they had asked you if you wanted to join them for drinks, would you have gone? I still get the impression the answer would have been a "no"

redlittlesquirrel Mon 29-Aug-16 18:09:17

I would have gone for a couple of cocktails, had I been invited! I've been out for a couple of drinks before, I just don't go if they're on a "big night out" type drinking session - i.e. wanting to get as drunk as possible as quickly as possible.

Nanny0gg I think I'd be too embarrassed to ask any of them next week, to be honest!

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