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To think stay at home Dads get very little respect

(20 Posts)
MakeMeASandwhich Fri 26-Aug-16 17:03:57

DH has been a stay at home Dad for 3 years now.

I was the bigger wage earner so when we had DCs it made the most sense, their was no arguing, he didn't mind trying it out and seeing how it worked for him and I really didn't want to stop working.

It's worked out really well for us, but the way people act with him really annoys me, he was a mechanic before he stopped working and the amount of people who think they can drop by and ask him to have a look at their car during the day is ridiculous.

They seem to assume that he just sits around and that our 2 DCs feed, clothe and entertain themselves.

When he tells people that he's a stay at home Dad the looks of shock and bewilderment and the comments of 'oh that's new'

When he spends money the little comments from friends/family about how it would take a big man to spend his wife's money and how they'd never do it. It's fucking FAMILY money, I wouldn't even be able to make as much if he didn't stay at home.

Why do people think it's okay to say shit like that. It's really starting to get to DH, he's avoided 3 different lads only events this summer as they'll certainly take the piss and now doesn't want to go to a family picnic tomorrow as sexist jokes will surely be made.

Why is it so hard for people to realise that a man would enjoy staying at home and that it isn't something to make fun of him for.

AlwaysDancing1234 Fri 26-Aug-16 17:07:38

I agree. Our youngest is now 2 and DH has decided to take a year out of his job and be a SAHD to our children. This allows me to go back to work (I earn more anyway) and as his wages wild all be spent on childcare it seemed pointless and much better for our family for him to stay at home.
Family and friends have had mixed reactions.
MIL still seems to think I should do all household chores on top of full time demanding job.
Others keep asking what 'job' he will be doing as if being a stay at home parent has no value or meaning in itself.

PotteringAlong Fri 26-Aug-16 17:09:50

There was an interesting program on radio 4 last night talking about stay at home dads. Maybe about 8pm? Hang on, I'll look..,

PotteringAlong Fri 26-Aug-16 17:12:29

It was the briefing room, 8pm last night. It will be on iplayer. Well worth a listen.

Trifleorbust Fri 26-Aug-16 17:12:48

It is a relatively new thing, so I don't blame people for expressing a degree of surprise, but the other comments are out of order. However, I think SAHD do get a certain amount of respect that SAHM don't get as well - sometimes people will be impressed, whereas they take it for granted from a woman.

Porcupinetree Fri 26-Aug-16 17:13:33

I'm not sure that stay at home mums get alot of respect to be honest. Maybe it's regional but at my daughters toddler group the SAHDs are treated like absolute gods, it's all a bit sickening!

MakeMeASandwhich Fri 26-Aug-16 17:14:22

AlwaysDancing, the amount of people that raise eyebrows when DH says he has to think of what to make for dinner hmm I don't even understand why they're shocked, do they honestly expect a working parent to cook dinner after getting home around 7 confused

Comtesse Fri 26-Aug-16 17:14:31

Yanbu. My dh has stayed home for 6 years. His job imploded as no.1 was born and then one thing led to another and he's still on it. He gets shit all the time from my mum, his mum, random people on the bus, all sorts. Yes he probably ought to go back to work at some point but if I was a sahm with children the same age I wouldn't get half the grief. Massive double standards here!

SillySongsWithLarry Fri 26-Aug-16 17:18:45

My DH is a SAHD to my children (his stepchildren), one of whom is fairly severely disabled. He gets no end of grief from the older generation of his family who think he should 'get a job'. His job is so valued and respected by me and our family would fall apart if one of us wasn't at home full time. It just happens to be DH who is the SAHD.

MakeMeASandwhich Fri 26-Aug-16 17:21:15

I have to admit he gets treated unbelievably well at toddler groups, soft play, anywhere where their's load of children but it really doesn't make up for the crap he gets from the rest of society

Pottering, thanks for that, I'll take a look tonight

xxxbingbunnyxxx Fri 26-Aug-16 17:21:39

My dh is also a stay at home dad as I earn more ans wanted to stay working tbh. The problem for us wasn't friends or family, bit the baby and toddle groups, all mine and quite stand offish with him as the only male in the group.Wouldn't really approach him at all, quite sad really x

AlwaysDancing1234 Fri 26-Aug-16 17:22:42

Yes definitely double standards. When DH was working I shopped, cooked cleaned and took care of children but now I'm working I'm somehow expected to do all that too!

TheSparrowhawk Fri 26-Aug-16 17:28:47

What do you think causes him to get so much flak?

AntiquityAgain Fri 26-Aug-16 17:33:45

So it's men taking the piss rather than people?

KarlosKKrinkelbeim Fri 26-Aug-16 17:39:59

I do agree. DH was sahd for a while and some people reacted very oddly. The number of other dads who said "I couldn't do that " - what idiot fathers a child they couldn't look after? But he has been rewarded with a much closer relationship with his kids than most of his peers have.

MakeMeASandwhich Fri 26-Aug-16 18:02:56

Antiquity, nope, women take the piss just as much, his sisters, random female strangers, nurse at our GP, it's just that when he's with the kids at kiddy activities, the piss taking turns into a steam of compliments

Buunychops Fri 26-Aug-16 18:14:41

Let's be honest though.

Lots of SAHM get the same shit: the comments that they're spending their husbands/ partners money, that they're sitting around watching TV,getting their nails done.

It's isn't a case of lack of respect for SAHDs it's a lack of respect for SAHP of either sex.
Childcare like virtually all caring role are given fuck all respect.

Oh and just to be transparent I don't have any children. I just get pissed off that the role of caring for the most vulnerable in our society (be that children, elderly or vulnerable) is given such a low status.

MrsSnaplegs Fri 26-Aug-16 19:30:50

Haven't posted for a long time but this is very close to home. DH has been SAHD for 8 1/2 yrs now, we have had the non acceptance at mums and tots groups and the groups that have changed the names to parents and tots to be welcoming, we have had all the comments about how easy his life must be (? Really), the lack of acceptance from the school, who continually rang me at work when kids were sick. Comments from my Mother about when was I going to give up my career and get a "real job" so I can be at home and be a real mother to my children so my "lazy" husband could get a proper job (?!?! Don't even go there on this one)
He has battled through , made cakes for coffee mornings, done voluntary work, looked after other people's kids - everything a SAHM does but he still doesn't get proper respect.

He's currently sat writing his CV to apply for a PT job as he wants to start to get back into the job market, but like SAHM he needs it to fit into school hours, he has to explain the gaps in his CV for his time as a SAHP.

It is hard for anyone as a SAHP but anything out of the ordinary seems to make it doubly difficult because of the views of wider society.

Lucyccfc Fri 26-Aug-16 19:49:45

The SAHD's I know get treated like bloody heroes, especially the single ones. They are seen as the best thing since sliced bread because they look after their children, cook, iron and clean etc.

No different than I do, as a single Mum, but I do all that and work too.

Def. a different experience here.

Breadwidow Sun 27-Nov-16 20:16:28

I know this is an old thread but was searching for something on this topic today after the usual questions from a super annoying 'friend' asking what my DH is doing t get back to work! She asks this every bloody time we meet. He's got a 2 dear old to look after every day plus our 4.5 year old at home after school so he's not got much time right now! He's been at home for nearly 4 years, initially planned and then slightly unplanned but is the most sensible thing for us. I'm fed up of having to justify his role to some people (should add it's not all, my parents are great about as are lots of friends). Good to know I'm not alone and if anyone wants a support thread on this please reply!

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