To be worried about my 5yr old DS socially

[Frazzledmum123]

Bit of background, I have a son who is 5 and before he started school he showed very little interest in 'friends' and was quite an anxious child about a lot of things. He started school and has made amazing progress, he seems happy to go and is doing well and generally worries a lot less. I thought we'd finally turned a corner with him and I no longer had to worry about his happiness

However, when I helped out in class i noticed that he seemed to be on his own a lot, especially when playing outside. It didn't worry me too much at first because he likes his own company but since then I've noticed that he is really trying to join in but no one is really letting him. The kids are all nice, they seem happy to see him in the morning and chat to him but then go off and play and leave him out. My husband thinks I'm worrying too much and that he'll catch up eventually but it is breaking my heart to see him constantly try and join in a game (at parties or play dates) only to be left behind looking sad and confused. I've tried having kids over and he gets ridiculously excited about the thought but then never really looks comfortable playing with them and after a couple of hours they seem to just play separately unlike the others if he is in a group.

He isn't as boisterous as most boys and isn't the type to do something even slightly naughty at school so I think this is why he isn't as appealing but he is such a lovely caring child I don't get why that isn't helping him, he's even tried being like the others but he can act and talk the same way as them and they still ignore him

I'm sure this seems trivial to most but today we were at a friends house with another boy and the other two virtually ignored him and the one hosting kept making comments about the other boy being his best friend (they aren't normally). My son looked really hurt and it's had me in tears (not in front on him of course). I just don't know what to do, I know it's early days but I can't see him ever properly fitting in 😢

[HopperBusTicket]

Ive had similar feelings about my son (now going into Y2). At nursery he had friends but when he started in Reception he told me no one played with him. I spoke to the teacher and she reassured me that he did have friends. I think the issue was he wanted to play with particular children (the popular kids) who didn't want to play with him and also he focused on the times he didn't have someone to play with, forgetting the times when he did. I have also seen what you describe - two's company and three's a crowd and it's horrible when it's your child being left out. I have given my son advice about how to start conversations (tell them your name, ask theirs and ask if you can play and if they don't want to then move on to someone else) but I still see him standing on the edge obviously wanting to join in but not asking.

Have you spoken to your son's teacher? I found that reassuring.

[Frazzledmum123]

Thank you, the thing is, if you ask my son he'd tell you he's got loads of friends, you'd think he was the most popular kid in school! This is why my dh thinks I shouldn't worry and what has reassured me up till now. But Ds is an introvert in that he won't ever tell me if things are upsetting him or worrying him and is very good at talking himself out of it even I think, excusing the way they are to him. My worry though is that as his mum I know he is hurt by it, I can see it and at some point it is going to properly upset him I'm sure.
I have spoken to his teacher and she said that when he started he was not very adaptable in that if someone didn't play his way, he'd carry on regardless and ignore them. She said he had changed massively since Christmas and was actively sought out friends and started conversations so it's an improvement and like I said the others do talk to him and no one bullies him but they just then go off with others and leave him out, it doesn't even look like they are doing it purposely, they just seem oblivious.