AIBU to think my child dislikes me?

[lightlygoholly]

It's a horrible feeling. What's worse is that it feels personal, as he's delightful and even a little shy with most people. With me, I feel like he just hasn't got any respect. He rolls his eyes when I speak to him, he tells me what he wants and where he needs to go (rather than asks) and he broke something of mine the other day. It was a complete accident and if he'd just apologised immediately I wouldn't have minded but he behaved as if my reaction was tiresome.

I just feel like I need some advice on how to deal with this sort of behaviour. I know he's a lovely person really but with me, it's as if I see the very worst and I feel disliked in my own home.

[3perfectweemen]

No he doesn't hate you. Some children just show the worst behavior to the people they are closest to, love the most, because they trust you to love them no matter what.
What age is he?

[Fortitudine]

How old is he? Being disrespectful and rude to you is not on, but a lot of kids, especially teenagers, act like they don't like their parents. With my daughter we went through a stage like that, but to hear other people talk about her, it was like a different person. She grew out of it thankfully!

[Branleuse]

its most likely a phase. Ive gone through phases with my daughter where its felt like she really didnt like me, but now I look at it as though we need to work on our connection and our relationship, and do a bit of love bombing and make more time for her, and it always works

[lightlygoholly]

Thanks, I hope he doesn't dislike me but he really behaves as if he does. He is 9.

[Middleoftheroad]

As a child I loved my mom more than anything but was sullen and unappreciative - yes I showed the worst behaviour to the person I was closest to. We can laugh about it now, but at the time it must have been hard for my mother, a lovely, lovely kind woman. So no, he does not hate you - undoubtedly the opposite - and hopefully he will grow out of it.

[lightlygoholly]

Thanks, Middle

I sometimes do feel as if he's deliberately trying to provoke a reaction from me. I hate rudeness in anyone but coming from a child sounds particularly bad somehow, if you see what I mean!

[Mybugslife]

I went through a short time like this with my daughter (although she was younger) and it was just so exhausting. I'd literally cry to my mum saying she hated me and I couldn't do anything to make her behave.
My mum said to me that children always play up for the people who love them the most because they know no matter what they do you will still love them and still be there. It's true. I'm sure I was a little shit annoying at various stages in my childhood but my mum is my best friend.
We're past it now, I get the occasional comment or eye roll but what kid doesn't have bad days....we all do as adults. It will pass, he doesn't hate you xx

[Whatthequack]

My Ds9 is the same OP. I feel like he's hitting the teen years already!

[Buzzardbird]

I disapline my DD if she shows any behaviour like this towards me. It's disrespectful.

[biggles50]

Ah that's not a nice feeling. My oldest daughter made me think she didn't like me, it was as if I irritated the hell out of her by merely existing. We get on the best now.He will grow out of it. Keep on with the loving and try not to overthink.

[Buzzardbird]

discipline

[clam]

He will grow out of it.

Er, no, not necessarily. Not unless you do something about it now. If he is rude and disrespectful at 9, he's going to be a darn sight worse at 15 and you'll have even less control.

He rolls his eyes? Pick him up on it. "Tells" you what he wants? Suggest he rephrases it as a request with a please on the end. Stop taking him "where he needs to go" unless he's polite about it. You'll find you only have to follow through on it once or twice before he gets the message.

You are the parent here. You're in charge. Assert yourself. It doesn't have to turn into Beirut. You can do so pleasantly and assertively, as long as your tone is firm and shows no possibility that he won't conform (and if not, consequences that you carry out.

[ABloodyDifficultWoman]

I agree with clam. There's really nothing wrong with telling your children when they say something that hurts you, makes you feel bad, is antisocial or whatever. How else are they going to learn? If he behaves perfectly well to other adults that'll be because he knows it won't be accepted by them if he doesn't! He needs to know that his behaviour is NOT acceptable and that it makes you feel shit. I used to do this with DS - no qualms about telling him if he was embarrassing me or hurting my feelings. None at all. He soon understood that words and actions can and do affect others. It's a good lesson and shouldn't take you long but you have to be consistent with it.

[Trifleorbust]

I would give him a consequence for using disrespectful tone and body language (my mum called it 'flouncing'). He won't grow out of this on his own, he needs to understand that he is being rude.

[CaptainCrunch]

Don't accept it.

The rare occasions my dc were rude to me I would say "don't you dare to speak to me like that, I treat you with love and respect and I expect the same from you".

I used to drum into them that throughout their lives, many people will be unkind to them so at the very least the family should support each other so they always had a loving environment at home. That requires the same effort from them as it does from you.

Don't put up with it op.

[lightlygoholly]

I do try my best to discipline and hate rudeness but to be honest I am running out of ideas

[clam]

OK, so what have you tried so far. I start with a raised eyebrow and an "I beg your pardon?"

[lightlygoholly]

Yes, tried that, I think that's the "mum reaction" :)

I refuse to do as he tells/asks until he can be polite but sometimes it's something that impacts on someone else and then it's so hard. I've shouted at him ( I know) and sent him to his room but sometimes he refuses to go.

[clam]

Then you tell him he has a choice; he either does as he's told and goes to his room, or a), b) or c) will/won't happen. He has 15 seconds to decide. You're waiting....

[lightlygoholly]

Thanks, will try that.

Sometimes he's just lovely. Other times he's breathtakingly rude and disrespectful. I do get the impression he's seeing just how far he can go.

[ShelaghTurner]

I'm currently locked in the bathroom crying because of my 8yo dd's behaviour. I can't bear it any more so lurking for suggestions because I've had enough.

[lightlygoholly]

selfishly I am relieved it's not just me, I feel like the worst parent ever. This morning he walked in when I was in the shower to "get something" and I felt just awful. Like I wasn't important, didn't really matter.

[Tarahumara]

I think this is pretty standard 9yo behaviour. I agree with pp that you need to keep picking him up on it and not let him get away with it, but I also think it helps to remember that it's normal and lots of kids go through it. It definitely doesn't mean he doesn't like you.

[ShelaghTurner]

That's exactly it. She talks to me like I'm something she trod in.

Half the time she is the most gentle, loving, kind, funny child you could ask for. And then a switch flicks and Lucifer's
Spawn has arrived.

[lightlygoholly]

I really hope so, Tara I wouldn't have DREAMED of speaking to my parents how he speaks to me.