DH taking DS abroad part 2. To tell people who are being negative about the experience to keep their opinions to themselves?!(21 Posts)
A few weeks ago I started a thread about my DH wanting to take DS abroad for a week without me and me not knowing to handle it, being really upset etc and I got mixed feedback from you all ranging from people understanding why I would be uneasy/upset about it to other posters thinking I was being ridiculous and selfish for potentially stopping the holiday from going ahead.
Anyway, after weeks of deliberation their holiday is going ahead and flights and hotel have been booked so I have now accepted it's happening and have now found myself actually really looking forward to some "me time".
I have arranged to meet up with friends during the week, plans to go to the cinema, plans to go out for dinner and an overnight Spa trip with my sister. I have also managed to reduce my working hours that week to mean I only have to be there 2.5 days. I'm feeling so excited about it and can't even explain how much I'm looking forward to having six nights of uninterrupted sleep.
Anyway - on to the AIBU. I have mentioned to friends, family and some colleagues about DH/DS's holiday and most people are being negative about it. They look at me with wide eyes, a shocked look on their face and say, "Seriously?" in disbelief. Usually followed by, "Just the two of them?" which is said with subtle undertones of "You're mad to let them go without you..."
I've gone from feeling positive about the experience to now having everyone around me make me feel like
a) it's a ridiculous idea.
b) I'm crazy to 'let' DH take him.
c) I'm somehow being a bad mother because I'm looking forward to it.
Everyone has taken the sheen off it and my feelings of excitement about having a week to myself have been replaced with feelings of guilt and as though looking forward to it is something to be ashamed of.
WIBU to tell them all to stop with their negativity and stop raining on my parade? I'm fed up of being made to feel like I need to justify why I'm having a week without my DS and being made to feel guilty about it.
It took me a good few weeks to overcome my personal feelings of guilt without now having others making me feeling guilty too.
DH sometimes takes DS camping etc for a couple of nights. I'm invited but turn it down. I get the bed to myself, watch what I like when I like, sleep late...
I think you making the most of your dc being with their other parent is sensible.
YANBU to be looking forward to it at all! As they're going, it would be bloody stupid to spend the week moping and being miserable rather than making the most of it! Would they have this reaction if you were the one taking him away for a week? Would they heck. One's ability to parent is not dependent on genitalia.
other people are being ridiculous here. He is his father and quite capable of parenting even if you are separated. Had you not been separated would they have an issue with him being home with him for a few days while you were away with friends - I doubt it.
I think it should be THE LAW that parents get a few days to themselves every now and then:
a) the solo parent gets to remember who they are and what they enjoy when they're not on call 24/7
b) the child-caring parent gets to spend 100% time focused on their DC, which they are often not able to do and this can really build special memories and firm the bond.
The child is cared for, gets to experience something that's not their norm and returns to the company of the solo parent with a fresh perspective.
win, win, win!!!
The next time someone says anything like that, just burst into tears and say "I know (sniff) what am I going to do (sniff, sniff)".
But seriously, I'm glad you are feeling more positive. Enjoy your "me time" x
Oh it is none of their business, just say: "Yes, it's great, isn't it? All that time to myself. I can't wait to read X/get wasted/go swimming/pick my belly button all day."
I'm glad you've got some positive plans. You'll all enjoy yourselves!
I'm a big believer in everyone having some time and space to be themselves when they get a chance.
I have read your previous thread, but I can't see what is wrong with one parent taking the kid(s) on holiday without the other sometimes.
I think it is an important part of the bonding experience. I certainly wouldn't be upset if my wife took one or both of our children away for a bit, and I'm sure she wouldn't mind if I did the same.
Ignore your friends and enjoy your free time!
Or act shocked
"You mean their own father is incapable of looking after their own child?! Omg why did no one tell me!"
dh has just taken our 2 dc on holiday to France- I couldn't get there until 4 days later.
It was really nice for them- and for me!
I can't understand any negativity about this.
Just say you're looking forward to some me time, and happy for them to spend a bit of one to one time together. You'll get the chance another time.
I think many people find it difficult to understand that yes, an adult can take a child on holiday without any other adult company. I used to get this a lot when I was a single parent with a young DS. I would often receive either incredulous looks and sniggers from colleagues etc when u mentioned my holiday plans. Often from married people who would never imagine themselves doing the same. It used to drive me crazy! I imagine the reaction would be worse if it was a dad holidaying alone with their child. At the end of the day a lot of people are knobs and I would ignore their stupid comments.
On your other thread I encouraged you to let them go and I am pleased you have. Just roll your eyes at people or let it wash over you. DH took DS away for 10 days to America. FIL kept telling me how 'lucky' I was that DH was a 'good father'. I pointed out that I was working. And DH had plenty of relatives to help when he got there. But the 'oh wow he's Dad of the year' comments didn't stop. I travel long haul with DS 2-3 times a year. No one gives me a bloody medal for it. So so irritating.
Just plan nice things for yourself. I spent one evening slobbing on the sofa with box sets eating takeaway and then fell asleep on the sofa with the food around me. It was ridiculously uplifting for my soul.
If it was you going away alone with them I'm sure no one would even bag and eye. Sad really.
Agree with PPs shut them up by saying 'are you suggesting Dads can't look after their own children?'.
I think I posted on the other thread. I co parent so my ds has gone on holiday with his dad several times. As long as you are totally confident that his dad can take good care of him, keep him safe, play with him and cope in an Emergancy then there is no need to have a problem with this arrangement. Yes of course you'll miss him, only natural, but you are absolutely taking the right approach to get excited about the positives of this arrangement. Sleep, me time, chance to catch up with friends.
Regarding other people's reactions, just stop talking about it. Decision is made, you're all looking forward to it so ignore their input. If you do talk about it I'd just say something along the lines of "isn't ds lucky to have such a good dad"
Then change the subject. People love to be horrified and judgemental..... Just don't give them the chance.
You are not doing anything wrong, and so people can only make you feel guilty if you choose to let them. Decide they are entitled to their silly opinion, but thats all it is.
Shut them out and plan some fun stuff.
Yes just ignore them. But maybe you are unconsciously putting a negative spin on it when you tell people as I can't imagine why you are getting so many negative comments.
I think it's the very positive spin that I put on it that people find odd
I have been known to wrap DS in cotton wool and behave as though nobody can care for him and know him as well as me (hence why I was initially horrified at the idea) so I think people are genuinely amazed that I'm ok with him now being taken so far away from me and their disbelief is what fuels the negativity. It's probably my own fault as I have probably, in the past, given the impression that DH is not as responsible as me when it comes to looking after DS and so they now think I'm crazy to 'let' (their words, not mine) him take DS abroad without me.
I'm going to miss DS so much and will no doubt worry about him the entire time but I often find myself daydreaming about how heavenly it's going to be
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