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Is it me? Mother issues

(39 Posts)
KaosReigns Fri 26-Aug-16 06:31:07

Backstory 9 week old DD is sick, and we have spent the day hiding in bedroom which is the only warm room in the house. I also have not slept or had a cup of tea. DP makes me a cup of tea every day when he gets home, I have been counting down the minutes until this.

DP arrives home, hear two voices. Mother's voice screaches "Hello Kaos" throughout the house, I don't respond as the baby is asleep on me. DP pops head in for 2 seconds ascertains that DD and I are alive and is called away by DM. I await my tea.

30 minutes later I manage to slip DD in her own bed and emerge. DP is doing the dishes, he immediately informs me that he is not "allowed" to make tea he has to do the dishes. DM is stacking firewood. The oven is on, apparently DM has just put some pork on. DD wakes, I go tend.

An hour later I am hiding in bed with DD, DP just brought me a cup of tea, and every now and again I hear my name mentioned in their conversation.

AIBU to be pissed off.

She had no idea DD was sick, because she did not call ahead and mention she was coming she just showed up. She does this at least twice a week, but she always brings gifts so Im not meant to find it annoying as all hell in fact I have to play thankful that she is here for an hour as soon as DP gets home and my house is filling with things we don't need or want.

I don't want pork for dinner, in fact I have chicken in the fridge that really must be used today. I have home made KFC seasoning, and I had a bloody good excuse to pop to the supermarket for 5 minutes me time and a nice dessert. Now the chicken salad I had been looking forward to is no more, the chicken is going bad and no dessert or me time for me.

The dish the pork is in is one I avoid at all costs because it is a bitch to clean. She forced DP to wash a baking tray that I do not wash (use baking paper) because it is hollow and full of holes and ends in a kitchen covered in rusty water, she has the same one at home but forgot...

I still haven't had a chance to talk to DP about last night which included a hospital visit for DD. And all I want to do is cry about the fact that Im hiding alone in my bedroom waiting (an hour and a half so far) for her to leave so I can have my house back.

So AIBU to be this upset by what is in short her showing up with firewood and dinner then cleaning my kitchen (or forcing DP to at least).

myownprivateidaho Fri 26-Aug-16 06:39:11

You seem really stressed out. I don't think it seems like your mum has done anything wrong, but of course it's fine for you to tell her to come over less or stop bringing you stuff. However, on the face of it it seems like she is coming over to try to help and support you (cooking dinner, bringing firewood etc). Is she concerned about you? Do you think you might be a little depressed? I think it might be worth consulting your GP about this. I hope your baby feels better soon.

Houseconfusion Fri 26-Aug-16 06:45:51

Op sounds depressed? Oh god with the armchair diagnosis of depression of an Internet stranger

Op sounds quite irritated at having someone get into her home without notice twice or thrice a week.

She may not have a wonderful mother daughter relationship, even if she did she may just like to have people over when she wants to you know, and when she expects them, and eat what she wants to.

I'd be massively annoyed if anyone showed up unannounced in my home and made a habit of it.

IzzyIsBusy Fri 26-Aug-16 06:48:40

Yes YABU but you are clearly feeling very low.
Your DM didnt do anything wrong and in fact gave you practical help and didnt bother you as it was probably very clear you didnt want to interact.
You are upset because of a cup of tea.......which you could have made for yourself and you know it.
You do sound ungrateful but i dont think you mean to. Speak to your HV about how you are feeling.

I hope your baby is feeling better flowers

sanctimomssuck Fri 26-Aug-16 06:56:12

Yanbu there is clearly more to it than you are saying here. Whilst on on the surface it doesn't seem like she is doing much wrong today she has clearly over stepped the mark especially banking your dp from bringing you a cuppa. How old are you that your dp wasn't able to say "I will do the dishes in a minute, dd is poorly and kaos will need a cuppa asap"

Hope your dd isn't too poorly and bounces back soon

myownprivateidaho Fri 26-Aug-16 06:57:27

Oh god with the armchair diagnosis of depression of an Internet stranger

I explicitly did not diagnose but suggested it as a possibility which the OP might want to talk to her GP about. And of course there is nothing wrong with the OP wanting her mum to scale back visits (as I said in my original posts). However, I get the feeling from the OP's post that she is feeling overwhelmed by the whole situation, which is a separate issue.

Oysterbabe Fri 26-Aug-16 07:18:30

Yanbu. I would be really annoyed and hate visitors who don't call ahead. I'd have a word with her. Tell her that DD has been unwell and you weren't really up to visitors, please can she call ahead next time to see if it's convenient.

acasualobserver Fri 26-Aug-16 07:44:48

Put the chicken in the freezer, go to the supermarket and buy the dessert you want - eat it tomorrow if your mother's making something else today. Tell everyone that you won't be doing the washing up. Take back some control because it sounds to me as if you're feeling unable to make choices for yourself.

pallasathena Fri 26-Aug-16 07:54:19

You're projecting all your anger, exhaustion and tiredness onto your poor old mum. In her own way, she's just trying to help. She's not a mindreader either so why all the anger directed at her?
Try and take some time out for yourself if you can. You sound totally done in. Its hard with a baby, even harder when that baby is unwell and they do pick up instinctively on how you're really feeling. If you're anxious, upset, fraught and fractious, you can bet baby will be too. Why not ask mum to sit with baby for an hour so you can pop out or have a hot soak in the bath. You need a break o/p.

QuiteLikely5 Fri 26-Aug-16 07:58:30

You posted at 6.30?! Are you in a different country?

Cultures can operate differently

Mysterycat23 Fri 26-Aug-16 08:01:19

Just because she's your mother doesn't mean you have to tip toe around her and accept her idea of "helping". You would be well within your rights to go downstairs and tell her now is not a good time and can she just leave, you will call her tomorrow to explain. (Suggesting this because at this exact point in time you don't have the energy to have a drawn out conversation with her which will no doubt end in her refusing to respect your wishes) If she's going to turn up without asking permission then she has to accept it won't always be a convenient time! What you described is not loving or kind it's domineering and hurtful. Have you read about narcissistic mothers?

Trifleorbust Fri 26-Aug-16 08:12:27

I think your DM is trying to help, not domineer or take over. However, you need to put your health first, including your mental health, and if this involves asking her to come over less, that is okay too.

Does your DP appreciate her support?

JudyCoolibar Fri 26-Aug-16 08:16:03

I assume she has a key? Tell her she needs to call ahead before she comes and, if she doesn't want to, you'll need the key back.

diddl Fri 26-Aug-16 08:18:30

"So AIBU to be this upset by what is in short her showing up with firewood and dinner then cleaning my kitchen (or forcing DP to at least)."

When you put it like that, yes.

I imagine it's the not asking to come over which is the problem?

Plus more info from your husband would have helped when he popped his head in!

ZippyNeedsFeeding Fri 26-Aug-16 08:19:10

Hmm, I have quite a strong bias because of my own difficult and domineering mother, but I see why you were so upset.
If she wanted to help, why didn't she bring you a cup of tea or offer to hold the baby? Or even ask you what you needed? I suppose a lot depends on your relationship generally.
I hope your baby is feeling a bit better now and recovers quickly.

bigbuttons Fri 26-Aug-16 08:21:37

You sound precious and spoilt OP. You are able to get yourself a drink you know. You are able to get off the bed and make a tea. Your poor bloody mother and husband.

Pisssssedofff Fri 26-Aug-16 08:26:55

She has a sick baby who's been to hospital aged 9 weeks, but of empathy please.

NerrSnerr Fri 26-Aug-16 08:32:58

Where do you live? Just wondering why you can't come out and make drinks. Are you eating throughout the day? You really need to look after yourself.

If I am honest I wonder if your mum is worried about your mental health if you are spending all day in your room, not even being able to come out for a drink.

VioletBam Fri 26-Aug-16 08:34:23

OP doesn't sound in a good place at all...no we can't diagnose depression but why can't she make herself a cup of tea?

How sick is DD? Sick enough that OP can't carry her or bring her in a moses basket to the kitchen?

If she were that sick, she'd be in hospital?

OP does sound at the very least, in a low, low place if she cannot make tea.

OP...sorry to talk about you as if you're not here....is there a reason you can't get up to make tea? Or something to eat? Are you formula feeding?

If not, how on earth will you manage without eating etc?

Doggity Fri 26-Aug-16 08:35:29

I think you're majorly overreacting because you are tired and stressed, I do have sympathy though because I know it's hard. I don't think it's fair to project this onto your mum. Unless there is a massive backstory, she doesn't sound like she's doing anything OTT, just trying to help.

Why can't you eat or drink before DP comes home? There may be solutions like a sling or a wrap, especially while she's small.

kittybiscuits Fri 26-Aug-16 08:35:52

Well if OP' mum is worried about OP, she has a funny way of showing it.

PaulDacreCuntyMcCuntFace Fri 26-Aug-16 08:36:02

Oh lovey - you sound very tired and fed up. I hope your DD is on the mend.

You need to take the key back off your Mum. It's YOUR house, not hers. Boundaries are what's needed here. You're both adults and perfectly capable of telling her that you've already got dinner planned, that your DP doesn't need 'permission' (WTF?) to make you a cup of tea. You need to tell her to back off - she isn't in charge any more.

Owlytellsmesecrets Fri 26-Aug-16 08:36:54

Jeez I spent most of the first 18months of my DS's life in and out of hospital. He was and still is a very poorly boy and I had DS aged 2.

You need to baby wear and get on to make yourself a cup of tea and do the dishes. The movement helps baby to sleep and for comfort. If it's chilly then dress DC appropriately so they are not cold.

I would have loved my DM or even my DMil to have come and made dinner, tidy round and collect wood.... Even just the wood would have been great.

There is still absolutely no reason why you shouldn't go to the shop for pudding .... You are still eating dinner!!!! Put the Chicken in the freezer and eat a different day !

New baby and poorly baby ... I do feel for you but you can't just hide away you need to care for you and the DC and that means getting on with the day. Hope DC feels better soon.

MyBoysAreSuperheroes Fri 26-Aug-16 08:40:24

In all honesty I think your mum sounds like she's trying to help.

You've been in your room all day as its cold-mums stacking wood

There's dirty dishes- mum gets DP to clean them

Then she's cooking a pork dinner

You sound tired and a bit stressed and you need to have a chat with your mum if your not happy with her just popping round.

Hope your lo gets well soon flowers

myownprivateidaho Fri 26-Aug-16 08:40:59

Well if OP' mum is worried about OP, she has a funny way of showing it.

By coming over and making dinner and bringing firewood to a freezing cold house? And not bothering the OP in her room but respecting when she wants to come out? I don't think that's a funny way of showing it at all.

OP, you absolutely have the right to take charge of your own house and it may be that your mum is overstepping the mark. However, unless there's a huge backstory that casts your mum's actions in a different light, I think that I would take them to be well-intentioned and loving and motivated by concern for you and a desire to help you. It sounds like you're low at the moment and although it's easy to get frustrated with people at times like that (especially if they are behaving in a frustrating way), it might not be helpful to push away a loved one or hold on to the feeling of anger.

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