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to ask how to grow a pair...

(14 Posts)
cjt110 Thu 25-Aug-16 11:59:25

...and realise when I need to say no to my son.

Long story short - he's 2. Bulk of the issues we have been experiencing are due to me giving in to him and not being consistent. He behaves totally differently with me than his Dad and my Mum because they are consistent in what they do with him.

So, how do I do it? I'm almost afraid to say no because if I do he kicks off and paddies. How do I know which battles are the ones to pick?

I really need to get a grip on this.

RichByOtherMeans Thu 25-Aug-16 12:14:27

Battles worth fighting - holding hands when out, sitting at the dinner table, staying safe, keeping seat belts on, no violence <ironic>, etc etc

Battles not worth fighting - not eating everything on the plate, wanting a biscuit before dinner, wanting to wear wellies and shorts to go to the cinema when it's icy cold, not putting a coat on in bd weather etc etc

These are examples of battles I'm willing to negotiate me not negotiate. What I tolerate may be different to what you'll tolerate.

And dcs will kick off. It's nightmare at times. My middle DC had a full blown tantrum in asda last week but I had to pick up some things there as we were going away for a few days. My eldest asked if I was embarrassed and I said no. Kept calm and carried on the best I could without losing my shit (as there's really no point)

Got to the car and a lady came up to me no said she thought I handled the situation brilliantly (no ones ever said this before). Kids have tantrums and they don't like being told no. You just have to remember you are their parent and they are a child.

Twos a good age for distraction methods too to be honest.

RichByOtherMeans Thu 25-Aug-16 12:15:32

Oh and you and your DH need to agree on what you'll both accept and not crept so you're singing from the same hymn sheet

RichByOtherMeans Thu 25-Aug-16 12:15:56

Accept! Not crept!!

cjt110 Thu 25-Aug-16 12:20:23

RichByOtherMeans I agree with your battles and non-battles.

Last weekend, we were going swimming. We walk from my Mums (about 5 mins if that) and he didnt want to go in the pram fine. I ensured I was at the pavement edge at all times and used the pram as a kind of shield so if he did dart, it would hinder him. He did well. We got to a road to cross (which is a very quiet road and a dead end in fact so hardly ever any traffic) and I said now we are crossing a road I need to hold your hand. I took his hand/wrist and he started to kick off. Halfway across the road he decoded to throw himself on the floor. So I scooped him up, explained if he cant be trusted to walk he can go in the pram.

Twos a good age for distraction methods too to be honest. We have lots of parrots flying past our windows at the moment ;)

His tantrums are epic full on lay on the floor kicking and screaming. So I have opted to just ignore til he has calmed then pick him up, tell him what he did was wrong (or appropriate explanation) then move on. So the week before last he did something (cant even recall what now) he paddied, calmed, I then explained why we don't do what he did/why he was told no then we switched to playing instantly. Is this a good way?

ginorwine Thu 25-Aug-16 12:28:03

Yes pick your battles
Decide what is non negotiable
Then when it's not negotiable tell them it isn't up for discussion and repeat like a dripping tap and / or take action needed - such as lift them .
Start early and stick to it .
Don't be afraid once the boundary is set it will be easier for you and dc .

RichByOtherMeans Thu 25-Aug-16 12:28:38

Yes I think that's a good way.

Once we got home from asda I made a coffee and DS was calm and 'normal' then and I asked him to come and sit with me for a minute.

He said. "To talk about my behaviour?"

I said yes. We had a chat and I explained why I had said no, I asked why he got upset and we just chatted through what had happened. At the end I said something along the lines of "right, is there anything else you want to talk about?" He said no. We had a cuddle and a kiss, he said sorry and I said sorry "because I can't always say 'yes'".

He went off to play.

My middle DS is 5 so it's easier to have a discussion but the sentiment is the same.

It is hard saying no and sticking to your guns but you do have to do it. You'll get happier DC and an easier life in the long run ( ime)

NotSoWittyMinded Thu 25-Aug-16 12:35:18

I agree with picking your battles

Decide what is non negotiable and stick to it. Everything else can be flexible

For example I've had to take Dd out in a pretty dress...with wellies on. She wanted to wear her wellies, I didn't care as long as she wore shoes.

The wearing shoes was non negotiable. What exactly was on her feet was her choice.

If he is a bolter I would look at some reins. I just bought ds some trunki reins. He has a blue teddy on them but you can get an orange monkey or a yellow lion too. Once you work out how to adjust them they are a doddle. You can use them as reins or you can use them as a lead with an additional strap

cjt110 Thu 25-Aug-16 12:39:19

NotSoWittyMinded We have some reins and he's a nightmare on them and flips out. confused

NotSoWittyMinded Thu 25-Aug-16 12:44:49

these have what we got

They look pretty escape proof as they sit very snug, but 18 month old ds has already worked out he can sit down if I try to make him go a way he doesn't want to go grin

Gottagetmoving Thu 25-Aug-16 12:45:33

I wouldn't 'negotiate' with a 2 year old. Negotiations should be age appropriate.
At two a child has no idea what is good for them or not so the decisions are yours but think before you say no as to whether it is important or not.
As for wearing a coat in cold weather at age two, of course that is a 'battle' worth fighting. You are responsible for the child's welfare, you don't negotiate on that. You tell them it's necessary to keep them warm. If the child was older, then yes, let them suffer a bit of cold because they are old enough to learn that lesson. A two year old probably won't.
If you approach anything like it may be a 'battle' it will turn into one!

When you have a small child they learn very quickly whether you mean what you say and if you are hesitant or unsure they will play up. Don't argue with a child. Set your intention, say what is happening and then don't be drawn into an argument. Of course the child will kick off and cry but if you give in, you are teaching them what to do to get their own way.
Ignore it.
Being upset won't kill a child and it won't make them hate you either, which is what a lot of Mums fear.

cjt110 Thu 25-Aug-16 12:49:09

already worked out he can sit down if I try to make him go a way he doesn't want to go Yep. My son too. He will sit down/lay down.

I just cant deal with the tantrums or paddies, until he's pushed m so far I've had enough then Ill happily ignore.

NotSoWittyMinded Thu 25-Aug-16 12:54:51

That's when you have to be the bad guy unfortunately

Parenting isn't easy but a child who controls everything can be pretty miserable. Sometimes you have to put your foot down even if they scream and cry

RichByOtherMeans Thu 25-Aug-16 13:34:24

I've yet to see any DC of mine last more than a couple of minutes in horrible weather gottagetmoving without a coat and be anything other than a bit uncomfortable for a couple of minutes in the cold. I'm not suggesting the op should let her DS catch hypothermia.

Like I said originally it's what battles your willing to negotiate and when is best to not poke a sleeping lion. Each to their own.

Best of luck op

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