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to think having a child is not the end of my life?

(21 Posts)
Acardwithbigletters Thu 25-Aug-16 10:52:38

DS is 6 months. He's bloody hard work at the moment - grizzly and not sleeping, wants to be entertained all the time. I'm an introvert so not having time to myself has been the hardest part for me about becoming a mum.

My DM who I'm really close to is lovely and very supportive but she had 3 of us and she is constantly telling me I won't have a minute to myself for years and you never do when you have kids etc etc etc. As do many other parents I know.

It's seriously putting me off wanting any more (well that and a shitty traumatic birth). I'm not going back to work (my choice) but will do some freelance stuff from home when DS is a little bigger.

So is that? Is my life over and I'm basically just Mum now? AIBU to think I can still have a child and a life of my own???

ncayley115 Thu 25-Aug-16 10:57:22

Your life isn't your own now - you have a little person to think of before yourself. You don't have to have any more children! We're sticking with our one little angel/monster! The first year is really hard - my son is 18 months now and although he can be hard work and really miserable sometimes he is much more able to entertain himself for short periods. I'm an older mum at 40 so I don't feel the need to go out and "have a life" as I've done that part xx

icanteven Thu 25-Aug-16 10:57:43

Of course your life isn't over. The first year is always a bit full on, but when you go back to freelancing and possibly set up some childcare to allow you to work, you will find things coming back bit by bit. It's worth noting that having children close together means they can entertain each other remarkably well as they get older, which means more freedom for you.

I would be inclined to set up a fairly structured life for yourself - it's fine not to go back to work, but if you're at home with a baby full time and no childcare it's going to be hard to have "a life of your own".

What freelance things do you do? You could possibly go back to that right away, or as soon as is convenient.

Acardwithbigletters Thu 25-Aug-16 11:00:11

Oh I don't care about going out loads, just would be nice to have a cup of coffee and read a book of an evening!

My oh and I have already managed to go out for dinner a few times and leave DS with family so that's been nice

Acardwithbigletters Thu 25-Aug-16 11:00:36

I write, so need a certain amount of headspace

yorkshapudding Thu 25-Aug-16 11:01:18

I think the truth is somewhere in the middle. You can 'have a life' but it will be a very different life because once you have a child they are the number one priority, always. So your life may not be entirely your own but you can make a concerted effort to retain certain aspects of it (hobbies, your work, socialising or couple time) for yourself. How much time you get to yourself depends on your circumstances, whether you have a supportive partner, family happy to babysit or the means to pay for a babysitter for example.

Acardwithbigletters Thu 25-Aug-16 11:01:39

I 100% do not want a small gap if I do have another one, I absolutely couldn't cope with a small baby and a toddler. If I do have another one I'm waiting at least 4 years!

Acardwithbigletters Thu 25-Aug-16 11:02:48

I'm trying to get him into a decent nap routine so I can have time in the day but he's not playing ball grin

TheDowagerCuntess Thu 25-Aug-16 11:04:09

Hmm, well, if you want some time to yourself, I'd recommend having another one, and not having too great an age gap!

Otherwise your DS will be relying on you to entertain him!

This is the exact reason we had two, 18 months apart! grin

MorrisZapp Thu 25-Aug-16 11:04:38

It feels like game over for lots of women. I am sticking with one child but how many kids you have is a very personal choice and not up to your mum. You and your partner have to decide for yourselves what you want and what you can realistically cope with.

Acardwithbigletters Thu 25-Aug-16 11:05:22

I think my relatively frail mental health would totally collapse with a small gap, I couldn't cope

And we haven't got the space anyway, we live in a garden less 2 bed flat

My plan was to put him in nursery when he's 2

Acardwithbigletters Thu 25-Aug-16 11:06:24

Also most siblings I see require a shitload of parental intervention to stop them killing each other plus that's what I and my siblings were like

SecretSpy Thu 25-Aug-16 11:09:41

True - but they entertain each other and serious injury is fairly rare. I have a smallish gap - first year or two were HARD but now they are best mates.

Small babies can be quite suffocating, I agree. They mostly smell nice and look cute though.

Missgraeme Thu 25-Aug-16 11:09:42

My life is busy with 11 kids but I still have a life!! My oh and I go away whenever we want /can afford! The joys of having a 27yo dd to babysit! !! Life is what u make it. Maybe could do with another day in the week tho sometimes!

Acardwithbigletters Thu 25-Aug-16 11:11:16

11????????????

You have my endless awe.

Seriously I will not be convinced of a small gap, I see people with 2 or 3 under 3 all the time and without wishing to cause offence it looks like Hell On Earth

Dogsmom Thu 25-Aug-16 11:12:04

Your life isn't over but it's different and will never be the same again, different doesn't have to be bad though.

I've got 2 young girls (3 and 18 months) yes it's hard work, harder than I imagined, and some days I just want 10 minutes alone and it can be relentless but it's not forever, dd1 goes to nursery in a few weeks so I'll only have 1 to entertain and time goes so quickly it won't be long until I have 1 in nursery and 1 in school so will have hours each day to myself.

I've also been rigid with bedtime routines too from the start and so they're both tucked up asleep by 6.30 which gives me a good few hours in the evenings to do child free things.

You need to make the effort to make time for yourself, I've enrolled on a photography course which will take up 1 evening a week plus assignments and have started doing couch to 5k which gets me out of the house for 45 minutes a few evenings a week.

I'm an introvert too and force myself in the daytimes to get out and about with them, I take them to toddler groups, soft play, parks etc which although means I have to be around a group of strangers which I find really difficult it gives the kids something to do and much easier than trying to occupy them indoors for a whole day.

Mummychoochoo3 Thu 25-Aug-16 11:12:31

I have baby number 3 due in 4days and like it has been said by others, your life will be different but it's definitely not the end. I will have 3 kids under 5 shock!!! Yes it's hard trying to find yourself in the midst of it all, but you do work it all out. There will be days you can barely move from exhaustion but have to keep going because children always need you, but equally there are days & moments when my heart is bursting with pride & love for my family!!! I have found myself more active in this 3rd pregnancy and made more of an effort with my self to keep motivated. Support is vital from your other half so make sure they are on board too.

JoffreyBaratheon Thu 25-Aug-16 11:22:35

Yes. My oldest is 26 and youngest 14. I just started having a life again (because we could never afford babysitters, and our parents/close family were all dead or lived 100 miles away) maybe, er... two years since?

I think I've been to a pub maybe twice in the past 5 years but for years before that, never at all. Only started going to the cinema without kids in tow again, the past couple of years. Had 5 years solid of breastfeeding (each kid for a year) and I don't even know how many years of my life spent changing shitty nappies.

It feels great being an adult again, with a life again. Except I'm now so old I'm too knackered to enjoy it.

Glittermud Thu 25-Aug-16 11:28:39

I have 2.5 yr age gap between my two and now that they are older it's been v nice because they've played together and given me time to sit and finish a cup of tea.

I feel suffocated by motherhood though most of the time. I miss full time work and being valued beyond keeping my children alive and loved.

It's been a MH struggle for me and the constant guilt alone is unraveling me most days.

thehungrymummy Thu 25-Aug-16 11:37:37

You say his napping still isn't structured; honestly, you will have a bit of time once he goes for a nap in the morning and afternoon, try and get that set up. How are the evenings, i.e. tea, bath, bed, is he usually quite good?
If he's only 6 months, it will start coming together for you, my two started with a decent nap routine around 6 months, and once he's in bed, unless co-sleeping, he will be down by 8.00ish.
You've got through the first 6 months (really hard), you should find it gets a little easier. smile

gamerwidow Thu 25-Aug-16 11:40:12

Your life isn't over but it won't be the same as pre DC. I had a non napping and sleeping first DC which is why she will be an only. She's 6 now and it really does get so much better once they are at nursery of school.
I wouldn't say she needs more time than more than one DC . My friends with more than one child seem to spend as much time refereeing sibling squabbles as I do entertaining dd.

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