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To be annoyed about this awkward situation

(38 Posts)
HoneyBadgers Thu 25-Aug-16 02:47:04

Sorry, this is long, it's 2:30am and I'm probably rambling!

DP and I have been together almost 10 years, although we broke up for about 6 months, 3 years into the relationship. During this period I became friendly with another, slightly older man. I was late teens and he was almost 30, so not appaling but looking back feel this was quite an age gap considering my age at the time.

It was quite the odd situation - I knew him through work and got on well. He was very full on, quite quickly, in terms of telling people about 'us' (this was never discussed, I though it was just early days!) I was young and initially flattered, but soon got a bit uncomfortable with it all. I saw him and explained it wasn't working after a month or so. He was upset when we had the conversation, but it was dealt with. Carried on working together, bit awkward at first but soon sorted itself out.

Now is when it gets really weird blush After DP and I got back together, he began to get friendly with this man (DP at the time also worked there). They are still friends.

Other man has a girlfriend, who he's been with for some years now. It's been made aware to me that he has told his girlfriend that I was all over him when we were 'seeing' each other and was devastated when we broke up, and from what other friends who know us have said, implied I still like him. This is years after the actual event. So new girlfriend takes an instant dislike to me, along with some other quite nasty things said about me to others. They had an event where DP was invited, but I was clearly told not to come as she didn't want me around. I wasn't prepared to argue about it and didn't kick up a fuss.

We are now getting married, and invites being sorted. DP wanted to invite this friend, which is weird fine. I have however said I don't want her there as I feel it's likely to cause a fuss on the day and I really don't want someone who dislikes me so much at my wedding! Had this been a less important event I wouldn't have minded. I sent a message explaining this (politely!) to friend. He's read the message and received the invite but have had no reply and DP thinks he's annoyed.

I feel like I'm writing a bloody Jeremy Kyle episode - well done if you've made it this far! I'm now thinking let's just say maybe it's best if he doesn't come at all. AIBU?

MimiSunshine Thu 25-Aug-16 02:55:47

I think you need to go round there with your soon to be DH and say sorry I explained the single invite in a letter, I should have come round sooner but why exactly does x have a problem with me and is it to do with the dubious version of our ancient history I have heard you have told people?

Ultimately your "friend" isn't going to just carry on as normal with your DH after this so you may as well confront head on. Because he could be the type to bring his gf along anyway

Nevaehsmum Thu 25-Aug-16 02:57:50

If she's the reason you get excluded from certain events then no way should she be invited to your wedding!!

He's also made up bullshit about you so why would you want him there either?!

How old is his girlfriend? She behaving like a 15 year old! hmm

314dPiper Thu 25-Aug-16 03:15:49

id rescind both their invitations.

He made up nonsense about how you allegedly reacted to breaking up when you weren't even together, you were very young then and even if it had been true I don't think he should go round portraying you like that.

BoomBoomsCousin Thu 25-Aug-16 04:11:32

I do see why you don't want his gf there, but I don't see why you (or your DP) are OK with him coming at all. The gf is a bit immature in her reaction to what she's been told, but her response is at least an honest reaction to what she believes. He's been spreading lies about you to bolster his own ego and those lies have had a detrimental impact on you.

I'm with Piper - rescind his invitation and ask your DP why he's friends with someone who's such a jerk.

I wouldn't want either of them there and I'd expect DP to understand why not.

Just5minswithDacre Thu 25-Aug-16 04:31:41

Why is your Dp friends with some creepy guy who randomly makes stuff up about you? confused

Thataintnoetchasketch Thu 25-Aug-16 04:44:57

Why is your DP okay with going to events that you're excluded from because this guy has been bad mouthing you to his girlfriend?

I'd be more concerned about that to be honest.

Motherfuckers Thu 25-Aug-16 05:06:29

Excluding his girlfriend of a few years will be seen as very odd, it may even reinforce the idea to others that you "still like him".

Just5minswithDacre Thu 25-Aug-16 05:18:19

Excluding his girlfriend of a few years will be seen as very odd, it may even reinforce the idea to others that you "still like him".

That's why you leave both of them off the list. If not inviting 'openly hostile woman' causes an issue by splitting a couple then don't invite him either. As it is, 'openly hostile woman' is in a r/ship' with 'creepy man who has been inventing things' anyway, so it should be an easy decision. Etiquette shouldn't incrementally lead you to a situation where you have overtly unpleasant people at your wedding.

The problem is that the groom is insisting on inviting (and being friends with) a man who has behaved in an unsettling way in respect of the bride.

Mummyoflittledragon Thu 25-Aug-16 05:30:24

Neither should be invited. This is your day and the man has been very disrespectful.

Dh had a large bunch of friends, all of whom came to our wedding. The women in the group didn't respect me at all and I later heard said all sorts of rubbish behind my back. It took me years to really see what they were like. If I knew then what I know now about them, I would never have wanted them to come. We cut contact with them - finally - but I had to really force the issue. The relationship with dh and I was very strained for some time as it left him with almost no friends and even one of his best friends had paired off with one of the women from the group. He now sees this friend occasionally (none live locally). I now see the women were extremely jealous of me and wanted dh for themselves. I really was in the way.

I don't know why your soon to be dh can't cut ties with this man. But he does need to. Out of respect for you. Stick up for yourself. It is likely this man only became friends with your dp to stay close to you. He either still fancies you or else he's a narcissist, who cannot take rejection. Either way, being around him isn't healthy for either you or your dp. Would he be nasty enough to raise an objection during the wedding ceremony?

KC225 Thu 25-Aug-16 06:08:06

Does your DP know all? Does he know about the full story? As I cannot imagine being friends with someone spreading lies about my fiancee. I would question their motives. I agree with the above posters, your fiancee needs to withdraw the invitation to this man as well. I cannot believe you would want to see him on your wedding day not after he has behaved so oddly.

Good luck though.

TheForeignOffice Thu 25-Aug-16 06:22:45

The creepy ex fantasizing shit spreader does not come to your wedding grin. Also your DP should not be accepting invitations that actively exclude you on the basis of false information.

It's awkward but not complicated.
Good luck.

ThumbWitchesAbroad Thu 25-Aug-16 06:42:20

Have to agree - this weird bloke shouldn't have been invited either. It just makes it even more awkward going forward, reinforces the idea that you want him there "for yourself" , and certainly won't improve the situation re. the GF for the future!

Also think it's a bit poor that your DP is going to things where you've been left out - that doesn't show much support or solidarity!

I'd be rethinking quite a lot of this, I think.

mouldycheesefan Thu 25-Aug-16 06:58:56

Wouldn't invite weird man.
Very odd situation think I would minimise contact with weird man and his girlfriend all together.

mouldycheesefan Thu 25-Aug-16 06:59:48

He will be telling her that she isn't invited because you still have feelings for him and are jealous of her 😂

whattheseithakasmean Thu 25-Aug-16 07:01:10

I find you soon to be DG's behaviour the most weird - he has happily stayed friends and socialised with an ex of yours who has been bad mouthing you and excluding you from social occasions. That is your problem to resolve, not the weird friend's GF, who is a total side issue.

whattheseithakasmean Thu 25-Aug-16 07:01:33

Soon to be DH not DG, obvs.

greenfolder Thu 25-Aug-16 07:05:44

Have you actually ever discussed this with her. Do you know for an actual fact that this is why she is allegedly behaving in this way?

Resideria Thu 25-Aug-16 07:11:03

Why is your dp friends with a man who makes demeaning and false comments about you? I think that's the main issue. And of course you wouldn't invite either of them!

QuiteLikely5 Thu 25-Aug-16 07:12:16

I'd see it as a big red flag that your soon to be husband has disrespected you in a massive way!

This guy is weird indeed and I wonder if he is only friends with your dp because he has an interest in you!!!!


daisywhoopsie Thu 25-Aug-16 07:17:50

If my DP were to make friends with someone who liked to make up strange lies about me and blatantly disrespect me the last thing I'd be doing is marrying him.

Becky546 Thu 25-Aug-16 07:28:41

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cosmicglittergirl Thu 25-Aug-16 07:30:44

Neither comes. And why is your partner friends with someone who lies about you?

hungryhippo90 Thu 25-Aug-16 07:31:15

I don't understand why he is friends with a man who you were briefly seeing? I could understand if it were a friendship between your partner and weirdo before you started seeing him but odd to make friends with your partners ex.

Even weirder that you are excluded from things, and he attends?

It sounds like you and your fiancee are quite easy going people, who are nice to a fault.
I think it's time to put your foot down, write this woman a letter, tell her that your understanding is that she doesn't like you, because of embellishments of the truth, and given her past treatment of you, you didn't feel that you wanted her at your wedding, but being a nice person, you felt it needed an explanation.
Go further on to tell her that actually, her partner wouldn't be invited save for the relationship that he has with your fiance.

I then think your partner will need to complete his first husbandly duty, and rescind weirdos invitation. IE, you lie about the woman who is going to be my wife, this has had the effect of her being excluded, whilst trying to explain why your partner isn't invited, I realised that you shouldn't either, as you've caused this situation. I understand that your ego was bruised, and you needed to save face, BUT this has meant you are excluded from events, and are disliked by people who don't even know you.

He shouldn't be friends with a man who spreads lies about you.

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