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To not want to pick up 14 year old DD from XH's holiday

(262 Posts)
AbbottLeguarda Wed 24-Aug-16 20:02:15

Name changed as this is very identifying.

On Sunday, XH took DD (14) and DS's (16 year old twins) to Wales, along with his wife and her 2 daughters (13 and 11) It's the first time they've all gone away together, DD was really excited, it was the boys who were dragging their feet and now 3 days into the trip and the boys are loving it and DD is crying down the phone, asking me to come pick her up.

Her complaints:

No one talks to her, which I'm sure is an exaggeration, their are 6 other people there, but she said that they've all paired off, step siblings go off without inviting her, DSs' tell her to get lost whenever she's near, XH only spent 10 mins playing cards with her when she'd waited half an hour for him to finish up a game with DSs.

The cottage they're staying in has 4 bedrooms, DS's are sharing, step daughters are sharing, DD gets her own room and I think that's just made her feel more lonely. She says everyone stays up really late in their rooms, playing games, talking and she has no one.

I spoke to XH this morning about how she felt and asked if he could spend more time with her but I've just got off the phone with her begging me to come pick her up.

XH spent an hour watching a show with her and then went fishing for the rest of the day, step siblings were playing some hide and seek game with the other kids around and when she asked to play, one of the kids, not either of her step siblings who were I presume hiding at the time, told her that she wouldn't understand the rules, so she went back inside.

DS's are wrapped up in their own lives, I feel awful for her but their's only 3 more days left.

Graceflorrick Wed 24-Aug-16 20:08:37

Your ex should be resolving this situation, not you! Having said that, I'd pick her up - she must be feeling so sad.

AnthonyPandy Wed 24-Aug-16 20:10:15

Tell your ex he is well on the way to damaging his relationship with his daughter, he should not be putting her in a situation where she feels like this.

Blondieblondie Wed 24-Aug-16 20:14:15

I'd go get her. Maybe it'll shame her dad into getting his bloody finger out.

Crisscrosscranky Wed 24-Aug-16 20:15:37

blush I think I would pick her up but I'm soft and know how it feels to be sad, lonely and homesick. 3 days will feel like forever to her.

This isn't her fault but it doesn't sound like XH is going to change hmm

DoreenLethal Wed 24-Aug-16 20:20:06

It does sound pretty soulless to be honest.

He does have his priorities pretty arse about face, doesn't he?

AHedgehogCanNeverBeBuggered Wed 24-Aug-16 20:20:32

I'd go get her, your exH sounds like a dick. Or call him and rip him a new one.

Warl Wed 24-Aug-16 20:20:40

I'd go get her, there's nothing worse than being somewhere you don't want to be, 3 days will feel like a lifetime to her. No doubt you'll be the bad guy in ExH & rest of families eyes but that wouldn't bother me as long as she was happy

Birdsgottafly Wed 24-Aug-16 20:23:39

I'd be speaking to your ex and your DSs, 16 is old enough to include a sibling, even if you'd rather not.

Holidays could be horrendous with my own 14 year old DDs, who would claim to be left out and treated unfairly by me and their full siblings.

Arfarfanarf Wed 24-Aug-16 20:24:52

I would go and fetch her.
It is a horrible feeling - total powerlessness. That's how she feels.

hownottofuckup Wed 24-Aug-16 20:25:07

I wouldn't go get her (which surprised me!) It's part of being part of a large family, a step family, a teenager, life etc. Be there for her on the phone to provide emotional support, but I wouldn't go and get her. It's 3 more days, she's with family, she'll be ok.

Missgraeme Wed 24-Aug-16 20:25:35

Her df needs to be sorting this. Picking her up is going to solve this trip but not further get togethers. She needs to find her place in the new family set up and dad needs to be assisting ASAP. Maybe all the girls share a room and dad sorts a suitable activity? Sounds like more boys stuff been planned.

NickiFury Wed 24-Aug-16 20:26:10

I would pick her up. It sucks but I would.

NickiFury Wed 24-Aug-16 20:29:10

I was on a guide camp at about the same age. I was miserable and bullied by everyone I was sharing a tent with. I'd been camping loads previously so it wasn't that. My parents came to visit half way through for the parents open evening and wouldn't take me home, other girls parents did. I've never forgotten how hopeless and trapped I felt and it taught me nothing tbh except that I couldn't rely on them when things were shit.

Fairylea Wed 24-Aug-16 20:29:30

I would go and get her. It sounds dreadful and she needs your emotional support, it doesn't sound like she's getting it elsewhere. They should have got a blow up bed or something for her in with the other girls, being on her own in a room while everyone else is up late etc is absolutely miserable apart from anything else.

AbbottLeguarda Wed 24-Aug-16 20:30:03

I'm really suprised that you would all pick her up, confused perhaps I'm being too mean.

XH's is normally very good with her, so his attitude is surprising. I don't think speaking to him again will change anything though.

I'm not worried about looking like the mean Mum ruining everyone's holiday, I'm refusing because it's XH's week and I shouldn't intrude on it. I wouldn't appreciate him showing up and taking one of the DCs if it was my week, but you're all making me think that I'm too harsh

crunched Wed 24-Aug-16 20:31:25

Give your DSs a text asking them to make a special effort with their sister. 16 is old enough for them to look out for her and not be totally wrapped up in their own lives. DD may well decide not to give a holiday like this another go, that is down to ExH, but at least if she holds on til the end he cannot accuse you of pandering to her and her not giving this blended family time a good go.

3littlefrogs Wed 24-Aug-16 20:31:54

Poor kid.
Please go and get her.

Naoko Wed 24-Aug-16 20:33:24

I'd go and get her. My parents who are normally very 'take a deep breath and get on with it' once did it for me when I was your DD's age and on holiday with a number of people who I liked perfectly well but, as it turned out, could not sensibly be cooped up in center parcs with. I was so pathetically, desperately grateful. I've never been so glad to be home in my life.

If you decide not to get her, could you have a word with your boys? They're 16 years old, and old enough to be asked to look out for their sister a bit so she doesn't have a miserable time.

ProseccoBitch Wed 24-Aug-16 20:33:52

I think I'd go and get her too, it sounds like she's having a miserable time. Sod him.

Ohb0llocks Wed 24-Aug-16 20:34:30

Id have been in the car before the end of the phone call.

Cherrysoup Wed 24-Aug-16 20:36:30

Can DD talk to her dad and explain why she wants to go home? Oh sees how upset she is, he'll either agree or make more of an effort. Bit pointless taking her away then fucking off fishing.

bakeoffcake Wed 24-Aug-16 20:36:43

I would phone your ex again. Tell him his DD is still upset and unless she has a lovely time tomorrow you will come and get her and be nightly listed off with him

AbbottLeguarda Wed 24-Aug-16 20:38:54

I'm actually really amazed at the response, I was expecting 'she needs to learn how to fit into a big family, find her place, you can't pander to her, it's only 3 days' etc

I feel slightly awful now.

Trifleorbust Wed 24-Aug-16 20:40:43

It does sound like she's not having an amazing time, but through anyone's deliberate fault. It's not an abusive or dangerous situation, I would be inclined to leave it but give her the choice next time, so she doesn't have to go.

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