I really need to know AIBU for still being sad

(50 Posts)
Stressedoldmom Wed 24-Aug-16 18:41:22

Ok, I'm finally ready to take on board opinions on this without collapsing in a tearful heap. My situation is this.
Two and a half years ago, my only child ( who has high functioning autism and adhd) had just started a course to help with self confidence and employability, was walking to fetch lunch with another pupil -a great first for him - when he was knocked over whilst crossing the road. Critically injured, air ambulance and put into roadside coma etc. Not sure if he'd live. Long story, but upshot was 14 weeks of hospital and rehabilitation. He has been left with a severe brain injury.
He can do personal care but his memory and processing have been affected and his social anxiety is worse than ever. He has also developed a rare sleep disorder. I am heartbroken for him. He receives DLA and Support group ESA. He spends all day every day in the house unless I make him go out somewhere with me. He says he is happy but I think he's lonely. His father isn't interested, we divorced years ago. So we are mostly alone and are very close.
Now to my question. At work today, a colleague said I should get over my sadness, that I should grateful he's alive and I should get on with my own life. I do work part time, try to get out once a month and am trying online dating but I can't shake the sadness for my boy and worry about the long term. I was hurt by what was said but wondered if she was being unreasonable for thinking that way or am I and should I try harder to snap out of it.
PS. I've had counselling and am on antidepressants. Thanks in advance for any opinions.

fudgesmummy Wed 24-Aug-16 18:44:54

No advice to offer I'm afraid but didn't want to read and run. I think you are in entitled to feel just how you want and how dare anyone tell you otherwise.
you sound like a wonderful mum to your son, and I feel so sad for you both xx

Doggity Wed 24-Aug-16 18:47:00

I was so furious on your behalf. How dare someone say that to you?! You have every right to be sad and angry and in fact, anything you like. Do you have any support in real life? flowers my heart goes out to you and your precious boy.

phillipp Wed 24-Aug-16 18:48:06

I think she was wrong.

Unless this saddness is impacting everyday living and taking over your every thought X

My god father was knocked down at 48, never walked or talked again. He past away 15 years ago. I still feel sad when I think of him, that his final years were stolen from him.

But in your case you are having to live with it and the consequences everyday. For me it's my past and I still get sad. I can't imagine what it's like to be facing an unknown future.

I think being sad is fine. But there is always a line where feelings become controlling. It depends on which side of the line you are on.

flowers for you and your ds though.

FasterThanASnakeAndAMongoose Wed 24-Aug-16 18:53:15

YANBU at all. I'm quite angry on your behalf actually.

You sound like a wonderful mum. Sending you big, unmumsnetty hugs flowers

DoodleCat Wed 24-Aug-16 19:00:33

Sorry for you and, as others, furious. You live your life as you need to. Must be awful, so sorry.

feartyfeet Wed 24-Aug-16 19:01:18

There is a quote my DP read out to me about grief that I thought of when I read your post:

"Moving on, as a concept, is for stupid people, because any sensible person knows grief is a long-term project. I refuse to rush. The pain that is thrust upon us let no man slow or speed or fix"

You are allowed your pain and sadness and no-one can rush you. You have your lovely boy but I imagine there is so much to process and to adapt to. flowers

RhiWrites Wed 24-Aug-16 19:03:49

Oh is your sadness too much for your coworker? Maybe she should be the one to just get over it already.

I'm really sorry to hear about your son's accident. I hope things get easier for him.

LostQueen Wed 24-Aug-16 19:04:23

Disgusting thing to say to somebody in your position. You sound like you're doing everything you can for your son and for your own well being tbh. This is your reality, she has no right to comment on how you should feel about it.

mineofuselessinformation Wed 24-Aug-16 19:08:06

I have a dc who has a disability far less severe than your ds's. I've lived with it a long time, as have they.
I still feel terribly sad at times when I notice things that they are restricted in, or simply cannot do - and my dc can do a lot including horse riding which terrifies me at times, I have to look the other way and go la la la to myself until the danger's over.
You have every right to be sad about the life that your ds might have had, and about his disabilities too. Your friend needs to get an empathy transplant.
Luckily, the closest I've ever come to someone trying to brush it off was my DM and that was because she just didn't understand - now she does. If anyone ever told me to get over it, I'd probably rip their head off (OK, slight exaggeration, but you get what I mean!)
The next time your supposed friend says anything, be very firm and tell her she has no idea what yours and ds's lives are like, and you'd like her to keep her opinions to herself. If she carries in after that, maybe she's not such a friend after all.
flowers for you.

imwithspud Wed 24-Aug-16 19:09:47

She was out of order. She had no idea what life is like for you every day and how much your world has been rocked.

You are absolutely allowed to feel how you feel, you can't help your feelings. Don't let anyone make you feel otherwise.

Stressedoldmom Wed 24-Aug-16 19:12:35

Thank you so much for your replies. I was not expecting so much support, its bought tears to my eyes. I'm not sad all the time, I have a laugh at work, but today on the way in I heard a song on the radio that played a lot when he was in hospital and I told my colleagues it made me sad and bought back bad memories. I got the feeling they all agreed with what was said to me and they are bored of hearing anything about my grief. I guess it's just old news to them. Thank you all x

Charley50 Wed 24-Aug-16 19:15:14

Yanbu to still feel sad, and it was insensitive of her to say what she did. She probably meant well but I can see how it would make you feel worse. It's very sad that you and your DS have had your lives changed so much by his accident.

My brother died 25 years ago and I have never 'got over' his death. I don't talk about him that much but he is often in my thoughts. Even now if someone said I should 'get over' him I would feel very upset.

julfin Wed 24-Aug-16 19:17:45

Wishing you all the best flowers

Charley50 Wed 24-Aug-16 19:22:28

I just saw your update. Your other colleagues probably didn't think the same as her, they probably felt sad for you.
I think it helps a lot to talk about it and even if you go over the same thing it's helping you to process what has happened. That particularl colleague sounds spectacularly unempathic though, so I wouldn't trust her with my feelings if I were you. flowers

lemonzest123 Wed 24-Aug-16 19:23:22

Im so sorry OP. YANBU. Your colleague is an arsehole for saying that.

ukpor Wed 24-Aug-16 19:26:49

Honestly I do not think you are being unreasonable to still be sad. I don't think your colleague has any right to tell you that unless you asked for their opinion.
Everyone heals differently. Yes you should be great full he's alive but as a mother and a human being you always wonder what and if you could have done something differently. Take as long as you need. I wish you all the best 💐

eggyface Wed 24-Aug-16 19:27:22

Sadness is a completely reasonable and proportionate response to a life-changing grief. Your co-worker has evidently never had cause to discover this. I hope she doesn't.

I'm really sorry to hear what happened to your son (and in its effects, what has also happened to you) and I hope you find life gets progressively easier and you have all the support you could wish for. Xx

FarelyKnuts Wed 24-Aug-16 19:32:55

I am reminded of this quote "Some things in life cannot be fixed. They can only be carried."
There is no time line for grief and there is no such thing as "getting over it".
Thinking of you. flowers

QuiteLikely5 Wed 24-Aug-16 19:35:35

What a sad situation and what a great mother you are.

The comments from your colleague, please think about how they were intended, malicious, thoughtless or well meant?

To me the intent always matters.

flowers

Mcchickenbb41 Wed 24-Aug-16 19:42:02

Omfg some people just get dealt so much shit don't they. That post made my cry. I want to say something really comforting and meaningful but I'm clueless as to what to say. I read years ago when ds was diagnosed with aspergers that sometimes as a parent you go through a grieving process because that child is not the child you thought you'd be having. And that kind of made a lot of sense to me. Was your colleague trying to be cruel to be kind ( I'm clutching at straws here and not for one min defending ) sorry if you said this but have you had counselling op ? You may be suffering some kind of ptsd. After all that was an awful awful thing to have to go through. I really hope life gets better for you flowers

Mcchickenbb41 Wed 24-Aug-16 19:45:36

Sorry just re read you've had counselling

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream Wed 24-Aug-16 19:50:34

Your colleague is an idiot. Ignore them. You sound lovely- you've both had some horrible luck- best wishes for both of you for the future.

Nightmanagerfan Wed 24-Aug-16 19:56:47

Grief moves at its own pace, as others have said. If you tried to rush it and "get over your sadness" those emotions would need to go somewhere and undoubtedly would appear elsewhere in unhealthy patterns or depression. As others have said, your sons life-changing accident is a huge event to deal with and will take time to get used to. I really recommend Viktor Frankl's book "Man's Search for Meaning"; it was so so helpful for me in dealing with grief.flowers

MatildaTheCat Wed 24-Aug-16 19:59:55

Your colleague needs to realise that sadness can co exist with a range of other emotions. Of course you are sad, it's a sad situation and you need to be able to say so when you a reminded by a song or whatever. Maybe she needs to be reassured that you do have happy feelings as well but like a bereavement, this isn't ever going to go away or be ok.

I hope your ds does find more friends and activities, would any kind of shared living with support ever be a possibility? I'm sure you are very well versed in what is available and often it's not much.

Best wishes. flowers

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