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To not want my friend inviting men to my house

(73 Posts)
dranaksjd Wed 24-Aug-16 10:30:32

There's a woman who I was friends with as a teenager. We are both 27. She's not a bad person but while I've matured, she has stayed exactly
Like she was at 18.
I arranged to go to an event that goes on for four days this weekend. I arranged to go with my two best friends. My friend then asked if she could go. I said she could come along. She is a single mother and is isolated as she only has me as a friend. She literally has no one else and gets lonely.

The problem is she has explained to me her plans for the weekend and I'm concerned.

She is staying at mine for four nights (she never asked me, just informed me). She explained that if she doesn't stay at mine she can't go as her parents don't let her drink and she lives in a rental property her parents own (this is true).

She is also paying her friend to have her daughter for four nights and her parents don't know.

So I said okay she can stay. She then suggested she brings a guy she met online over for a drink on Saturday night. I said no I don't want anyone I don't know over mine.

She has this guy she met online a few weeks ago, and she regularly meets up with him for sex. She asked if she could have him stay overnight. I said no as she would be sleeping in my Sons bed and I don't know him.

She has brought loads of alcohol and is planning on getting off her face all weekend.

The thing is, my other friends and I are very different people. We rarely drink and if we do it's only getting tipsy. We don't have friends with benefits and only have people in our house we are close friends with. We don't judge her if that's what she wants to do. But I honestly am really worried about having her in my house for four nights. She will be drunk, inviting men online to come to my house, talking loudly on the phone until 3am. It's my idea of hell! If I thought she would respect my house I would not be worried but she isn't like that.

Everyone else says why are you even friends with her. But she has absolutely no one else. And would be so lonely without me. As soon as she thinks she has a boyfriend And starts seeing him I never hear from her until they've broken up so I suppose I owe her nothing but I feel a responsibility to give her company as she is unhappy and men just use her for sex. She is quite a troubled person.
Despite this, I'm thinking of not having her at my house. I have major concerns. Would I be unreasonable to say I can't have her at mine?

I doubt she will behave in a way i consider acceptable in my house. She might respect my
House rules but then again might not.

I also like my own space and the thought of having anyone but my close family at my house for four nights make me feel stressed.

Am I being grumpy?

314dPiper Wed 24-Aug-16 10:34:42

Well, I feel a little sorry for her but yanbu

She sounds like she's desperate to have some alone time with this guy.

Unfortunately speaking as a single parent who has been dumped at least twice becauuse (partly anyway) mhhy lack of freedom, if it can't work around your normal life then it won't work.

I think she has to talk to her parents and try and put up a few boundaries. Ie, I pay rent, I'm an adult, not all of my choices will match what you would do in the same circumstances but although I pay rent, I'm not answerable to you.

I think her biggest problem is her parents entitlement to her obedience. Does she have to be grateful for the great deal, so grateful that she has to obey? and they feel entitled to that obedience.

formerbabe Wed 24-Aug-16 10:35:27

I wouldn't let her stay at my house at all.

314dPiper Wed 24-Aug-16 10:36:58

is it one guy or several guys?
that makes a difference.
she'd be better off paying for somebody to take her daughter over night and doinng whatever she wants to do in her own houjse.
is she scared her parentss will turn up?

Missgraeme Wed 24-Aug-16 10:37:54

I would also be worried about the property and your personal possessions if she is bringing strangers into your home! Def no way, not a chance. If she can afford a babysitter for 4 days she can afford a hotel!

314dPiper Wed 24-Aug-16 10:38:21

oh yes. I should have said.
I wouldn't want her to bring back strangers or even one stranger to my house. i would say no as kindly as possibly.

But i kind of identify with how 'cornered' her situation is.

314dPiper Wed 24-Aug-16 10:39:35

how would her parents know if she had a drink confused

blowmybarnacles Wed 24-Aug-16 10:40:49

She's lonely because she dumps her mates when a man comes along.

YANBU - its not your job to enable her sex life by having strangers over to your house, is her job to grow up and stand up to her parents or be independent of them.

MrsJoeyMaynard Wed 24-Aug-16 10:43:35

YANBU, I wouldn't want friends bringing back strangers to my house either.

But if her daughter is at a friends for these 4 days, how would her parents know whether she'd been drinking and having men over in this rented property anyway? Are they in the habit of dropping round every few days and rummaging through the recycling bins?

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost Wed 24-Aug-16 10:46:03

Ynbu at all. It's your home. It's not a shag den for her. She's got her own home there
How disrespectful can one person be.
It's sad that she is lonely, but I can't help wondering as harsh as this sounds, that. If she wasn't so fickle and didn't drop people the minute she finds a "boyfriend".
shagger. She might find herself with more friends
And as for her parents not letting her drink. WTF is that all about.

dranaksjd Wed 24-Aug-16 10:46:21

The guy is only after sex. She has a different 'boyfriend' every month

Amelie10 Wed 24-Aug-16 10:46:56

Yanbu, I wouldn't want her to stay over either. Sounds like she doesn't really fit the group and plans and is just going to make it awkward for everyone. Seeing as you already said yes to staying over, you need to let her know that getting 'off her face' and bringing men you don't know into your home is not acceptable. If she has a problem with it then she shouldn't come.

dranaksjd Wed 24-Aug-16 10:48:23

she desperately wants a relationship but can never see when a guy is only using her sex. So she ends up sleeping with all these guys.

It's a sad situation.
They're never nice guys.

She has guys over at her house all the time. It's only because she has given her daughter to her friend for the four days and she doesn't want her parents to know that. But she has guys over at her place all the time.

She doesn't pay rent on her parents house so is in their control more.

rollonthesummer Wed 24-Aug-16 10:48:52

Will you be in the house as well-sorry, I wasn't sure if you were all going away and leaving her in your house?

I presume that as you've said no to the boyfriend staying-it won't happen as you'll be in the house too?

Aeroflotgirl Wed 24-Aug-16 10:49:02

No your house your rules. I wod have told her that she needs to ask if it's Ok to stay, not invite herself. She does not sound much of a friend. I would distance myself from her. Sounds like you tolerate her, not close to her.

GoldQuintessenceAndMyrrh Wed 24-Aug-16 10:49:18

Surely you can see why she has nobody else?

Why do YOU have to put up with this?

ImperialBlether Wed 24-Aug-16 10:51:22

I don't understand this.

She has friends over to her own house all the time. Why would she need to bring them over to your house?

Her parents don't let her drink? How would they know if she lives in a separate flat?

ReActiv Wed 24-Aug-16 10:53:16

Your friend is taking the piss.

She's TELLING you she is staying for four nights at your house.
She's TELLING you she's bringing her 'boyfriend' over on Saturday night.
She's TELLING you she's bringing loads of alcohol when she knows you're not a big drinker.

Tell her you've changed your mind and this doesn't work for you anymore. Sounds like she's wanting you to look after her and accommodate her for those 4 days while she goes a bit overboard on some short term freedom. I'm the same when I have a rare night out.

I'm a single parent who gets maybe one or two nights child free nights a year. And yes, i go mad on the wine those two nights because I know it'll be ages before I have any freedom to do so again. But there is no way I would go on a 4 day bender in my friends' homes and expect them to look after me.

Why doesn't her parents let her drink? Does she have an alcohol problem and they're trying to protect her? Or are they just controlling? Maybe this is an explanation as to why she wants to 'rebel' for those 4 days and hasn't matured along with you and the other friends.

This person is not your responsibility. If she knew that she needed to stay at yours in order to go to this event, she should have ASKED you nicely and bent over backwards to adjust her lifestyle to fit in with yours and your routine for 4 days. She has no respect for you by the sounds of it.

Arfarfanarf Wed 24-Aug-16 10:54:33

You already know how she is going to behave.
Only lwt her come if you are willing to accept that.

If you let her come, that is the choice you have made.

She also has choices.
She can move out of the home owned by her parents for a start. She can act like a 27 yr old instead of a child.
She uses you. You cant see it and you feel sorry for her.

ReActiv Wed 24-Aug-16 10:55:03

What's it to do with her parents if she has asked another friend to have her child for 4 days? If her parents were so bothered, why don't they offer to have their grandaughter? I don't understand why they have such a hold over your friend's life choices and parenting. She's 27 fgs!

mrsfuzzy Wed 24-Aug-16 10:55:16

no way would she be staying at mine, "sorry, but you have you own home, you can't stay at mine when i'm away" . not your problem about her parents or that she dumps her mates, sorry but i wouldn't even want to be friends with this person, she sounds like a user, god knows what you might come home to after your break, and besides if you let her stay you'd only be worrying about what you would be coming back to.

YorkieDorkie Wed 24-Aug-16 10:55:45

Please don't indulge this. I'm also 27 and no way would I be letting this go on in my house.

ScarletForYa Wed 24-Aug-16 10:57:06

OP, there's a reason she has no other friends. She's a user, a freeloader. Your choice but I wouldn't let her stay!

314dPiper Wed 24-Aug-16 10:58:37

You would be helping her if you told her to be a little bit more assertive with her parents.

As a renter, she can have a drink at home.

The dating side of things, it sounds like she does want to hide it from her daughter.

FrancisCrawford Wed 24-Aug-16 10:58:53

I feel sorry for the DD.

Your friend sounds very immature and self centred.

Tell her no, and mean

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