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To be fed up with people asking me when am I going to get a job instead of being a SAHM

(63 Posts)
Blondienut Wed 24-Aug-16 09:25:54

So here goes. I have recently (end of June) moved country with my 5yr old boy to start a life with my fiancée. Prior to that we had been commuting and seeing each other most weekends and holidays. He has two children who he has 50% time. We both made the decision that I would take some time out initially to get my DS settled and started in new school and I would have a break away from work outside of home. I have worked solidly up until now as a nurse. I have juggled night shifts and long days as a single parent and it was tough at times. I did love my job so I was grateful for that but so far I'm not missing it as much as I thought I would.

I hold my hands up and admit that I never considered how tough staying at home could also be so am glad I am seeing life from that perspective now too. My fiancée and I are both happy that it is the right choice for us as a family at the moment. We are not well off but we manage (just) financially.

I am inundated with people asking me 'have you got a job yet' , 'when are you going back to work' , 'what are you going to do for work' etc etc etc. It is really starting to grate on me and I don't want to feel like I have to justify myself to people. Women are the worst. Why can't we support each other and recognise that working outside the home or being a SAHM are both really important roles. Why can't we be happy for people when they get a chance to do either. For some they would love an opportunity to go out to work and for some they would love a chance to stay at home. I feel like shouting at these people 'give me a break, I have only just moved my whole life to a different country, been through a horrible divorce and have slogged my guts out working shifts for years, GIVE ME A BREAK' . End rant 😉

MadameCholetsDirtySecret Wed 24-Aug-16 09:34:21

Rant away OP. What you do is no ones business but your own and your partners.

Sooverthis Wed 24-Aug-16 09:36:37

I think you are justifying it to yourself more than being judged. People are far more likely to be making conversation with you than judging. Your new life sounds lovely enjoy flowers

witchywoohoo Wed 24-Aug-16 09:37:26


Ignore ignore ignore! Anyone who thinks that their unsolicited opinion of your life is worth sharing with you is a dick. Enjoy your time with your boy.

WhatamessIgotinto Wed 24-Aug-16 09:37:58

It's nothing to do with anyone else. If you and your fiancé are happy with your arrangements and it suits you both, then it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. If they ask you again, say 'we're happy with our arrangements thanks' and move on.

witchywoohoo Wed 24-Aug-16 09:40:54

Sooverthis - maybe...but as a stay at home mum myself i get this ALL the time! As well as, "why did you bother going to uni? " " I'm so glad my children see me doing something interesting with my life" and a teacher once commenting to her entire class that I stay at home "watching TV and eating biscuits all day" !!! Haaaaaa! It used to really upset me. Not any more.

Trifleorbust Wed 24-Aug-16 09:41:23

I actually think we should change the terminology (and the abbreviation):

SAHP --> WIHP (working in the home parent)

Just say you are happy with the job you have.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost Wed 24-Aug-16 09:45:21

Even in my wildest dreams. I would never ask such a personal question.
If I'm ever asked a question that I don't want to answer. I just give them the resting bitch face glare
. I probably look like a loon, grin, but I don't give a shiny shit. If I don't want people to know my business. I don't have to tell them.

Blondienut Wed 24-Aug-16 09:46:49

Yep it's probably because I am adjusting to my new role that I am over sensitive to it all. I think I am to a certain extent justifying it to myself too. It has already taught me a lot though and made me more sensitive to others circumstances. All a big giant learning curve!

Arrowfanatic Wed 24-Aug-16 09:47:44

I hear you op. My youngest starts primary school in 2017 and I'm fielding constant enquiries about me returning to work.

I have 3 children and although we're tight financially I don't need to work and we decided I would be a sahm even when the kids are all in school.

The shocked attitudes I get to this and questions about what I'll do with myself all day when the kids are in school annoys me. I just say I want to be available for sick days, inset days, holidays whatever without the childcare stresses and that's that. If they persist I just say I'll be a lady of leisure because of course a sahm is such an easy role. hmm

JustHappy3 Wed 24-Aug-16 09:49:54

I'm a sahm too but these people are just making conversation. It's the norm to be a wahp. You just need to explain what you're doing. Your trepidation about your new life is causing you to project. Lighten up.

If they then start coming out with the "i have to set a good example for my children" (with the implicit message that you are not) bullshit then you can judge away!!

Pootles2010 Wed 24-Aug-16 09:52:21

Congratulations on your move op- sounds lovely! It does sound just like people making conversation tbh - I would just say you're enjoying your time at home with your ds, and in no rush to go back, and leave it at that.

Blue4ever Wed 24-Aug-16 09:56:40

I used to say 'well I'm just a lazy cow and want to play with my kids all day...' It used to shut them up. If you would go back to work full time you would be judged for leaving your child with someone else.

I have now retrained as a childminder and I get the comment 'I could never do that job' and you've got my nightmare job' all the time (from women). Whatever your decision, some people will judge you. You just have to grow a very thick skin!

TheOptimisticPessimist Wed 24-Aug-16 09:57:57

I think you are justifying it to yourself more than being judged. People are far more likely to be making conversation with you than judging

I agree with this, especially if people who are asking are people that you've known for a while - it's more unusual to become a SAHP when your youngest is school age rather than if you had a newborn, so people wouldn't necessarily know you were planning on being a SAHP now. If I had a friend that had worked for years and had a school age child I wouldn't assume they were suddenly becoming a SAHP unless they told me that was their intention, which wouldn't necessarily happen unless I asked about the job situation IYSWIM. I doubt they're asking out of malice or judgement, they're just asking about your life. If you don't want them to then just tell them to bore off confused

If strangers are asking totally out of the blue I can understand feeling annoyed, but if it's friends then I'd cut them slack and answer with a simple 'I'm not going back to nursing, I'm staying at home to raise DS' or similar. Unless of course you've told them you are now a SAHP and they STILL insist on asking, because that's just bloody rude and they're being busybodies.

People ask about big changes in the lives of their friends. This is a big change. It'll stop eventually, and as long as your family are happy with the set up then that's all that matters.

Enjoy your new country, and being with your DS and DP. Congratulations!

TheOptimisticPessimist Wed 24-Aug-16 09:58:37

I didn't mean that to be quite so long blush

Yorkieheaven Wed 24-Aug-16 10:01:48

Ignore ignore ignore op.

I gave up work 2 years ago as I was juggling helping elderly parents, teenagers, grandchildren and cooking cleaning etc etc. Was absolutely in my knees.

I am busy still but not stressed.

It's Noones business what you do so tell them.

And by the way being a sahm is a job of work.

TaterTots Wed 24-Aug-16 10:02:08

How much would childcare cost you if you were working? If you'd be little better off, you could easily argue that from a practical point of view, it makes more sense to spend time with your kids than to leave them with someone else for a few extra pennies. (Not that I think you should have to 'make a case' - it's your business - but a practical argument might shut them up.)

formerbabe Wed 24-Aug-16 10:02:54

I'm in the same situation op. Both my dc are school age now...everyone asks me also.

I have no idea who they think will look after dc who has special needs after school and during the holidays...

Oh...can't you just get a part time job or a term time job?...because that's so easy to do hmm

RubbleBubble00 Wed 24-Aug-16 10:05:36

You used to work, you moved, not really that out of the realms of possibility people think yoir going back to work. It's only a question. Just answer your taking time out to settle your son

Ffion3107 Wed 24-Aug-16 10:06:59

You will be judged whatever you do.
SAHMs prefer that and working Mums prefer working. Everyone has their reasons and opinions.

gandalf456 Wed 24-Aug-16 10:07:05

I think people see your children starting school as a magical time where you suddenly have loads of time but school days are short, holidays are long and children need you more one way or another when they get home. You can squeeze a job into a school day but term time contracts are hard to come by. I still work evenings and weekends, with overtime when they are at school. People constantly ask when I going to work full time, 9-5

Benedikte2 Wed 24-Aug-16 10:09:10

My good friend finally retired at 67 from a very stressful job and for several years afterwards people kept asking if she'd found a part time job yet.
Sounds as if the general population is corroborating with the government to give us the message we should work until we drop.
Maybe it's jealousy OP -- they wish they could have a break and don't like to see others having one?
Nevertheless enjoy your time off and take time to explore your new environment and settle your DC

mrsfuzzy Wed 24-Aug-16 10:10:04

blondie YOU DO WORK - YOU ARE A FULL TIME MUM ! salary is crap and the hours are long but you are doing the most important job in the world and raising the next generation, people forget how hard that is. full respects to sahm and everyone who juggles work with dc and caring for relatives, you are ALL bloody marvellous flowers for you all.

Panicmode1 Wed 24-Aug-16 10:12:09

I have been a SAHM for 6 years, since I had my 4th child. I still get asked when I'm going to get a job and I just say that I have one, I just don't get paid for it.

Do whatever works for you as a family; ignore the negative, and support other women/parents making different choices to your own, and that's all you can do. People will always judge/comment. But I do agree that you may be finding the questions difficult because of all of your recent upheaval! Take your time, be kind to yourself and enjoy your new 'normal'.

Catanddogmake6 Wed 24-Aug-16 10:14:13

I do understand. I was medically retired as unable to do my job. To which people's first response often was .. "So what job are you going to do next". Never mind two small children and a chronic condition and no immediate financial requirement. People seem very hung up that you "should" be working.

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