to move away from family to get out of privately renting? Really confused :-((163 Posts)
Thanks for reading and will try and keep this as short as poss!
We currently live in littlehampton near my mum.
My brother also lives nearby in a village and my elderly nan lives here too so all close family are here.
We have been privately renting for 12 years and have moved 6 times until this last " long term let " where we have been here 3 years and no major issues apart from a £25 year increase per year which is a bit of a joke considering the state of the property when we took it as it was hubby who sorted the whole lot out.
Anyway, fast forward to now.
2 children aged 4 and 2 and mother has been quite unwell recently after suffering a minor stroke but she is now recovered.
Brother offers no support and sees her about once a month if that even though he lives up the road.
I've always worried about renting privately as find it so unstable for the kids and low and behold we have been offered a 3 bedroomed house in Reigate from a local housing association on a " market rent " scheme due to one becoming available and my husband works in the area in a government job so he comes high on the list.
The rent is a bit higher than here but is set rent and contract is renewed every 5 years as long as no breaches so security is obviously there.
My mum is in bits, she doesn't drive and still works Monday - Friday so realistically it will become once a week and sometimes less if the kids have bits on and all the travelling is going to fall on me :-(
I will miss my mum terribly but my husband says I need to think of the children who need a home not a shell that they keep moving from.
What would you do?
All opinions gratefully received x
Move. HA places are like gold dust and your kids need stability especially through the high school teen years. This opportunity is huge don't lose out.
I think you'd be mad to turn it down, really.
Reigate is what, 45 minutes from Littlehampton? It's quite nice there as well, quite leafy in parts and has a good park.
You need to do what's right for your husband and children, not your mother.
If your husband works there then he must be doing that commute every day, doing it once a week or so won't be a hardship.
I think you need to move, there is support for your mum near her
come on, you know what the answer is!
moving will be the best thing for your family and you'll still get to see your family fairly regularly.
I live 6000 miles from my mum - I see her once a year.
Move to Reigate to live in a more stable house
You can phone or Skype the rest of your family
You need to put your children and husband first
Lots of people do not live near their family, some 1000s of miles away
If Google is correct it's only about an hour away. Presumably your DH is commuting that distance every day now for work? I'd grab a secure tenancy with both hands.
Your mum is working full time, so she can't be needing you that much in the week, it might improve her quality of life to see you in the week, but in order to achieve that, vastly reduce your quality of life.
A secure home that you can make your own would be much better for your children. Reigate isn't even that far!
Put your husband and children first and grab the secure tenancy with both hands. Your mum works M-F, so it's not like she's stuck in the house not seeing anyone
I would move to the HA property. Your children deserve the chance to be securely housed if at all possible.
It's not like you're moving to the Outer Hebrides, you'll only be an hour away. And seeing grandparents once a week is still a lot more than most.
I think the security for your children 's housing situation and less stressful commute for your husband outweigh your preference to be on the doorstep of your wider family.
Oh take the house secure tenancy and all that although saying that do you enjoy staying near your mum? Or do you just feel guilty I know your mum is upset but a secure tenancy has to be better than private rent
I live in a different country from all my family. Grab it, and enjoy making a proper home for you and your children. Your mum will be fine. Devastated is a little bit of an overreaction on her part IMO, but it'll take her a bit of getting used to, that's all.
I think your mum is just used to you being around honestly she will get over it
Your kids are still young enough that school is not a problem just yet, I would move now too! Does your mum has a place big enough for you to stay over? If so , you will be very lucky to have a weekend place for the kids to enjoy the seaside.
It takes a couple of hours by train, which is not ideal, but not that bad that your mum won't be able to visit you too. Not sure about the coaches, they might even be a better option.
It's really not that great distance, before moving abroad we lived in London and my elderly Mother in Littlehampton. It would take a us a little under two hours to get there (with small children toilet stops). You will be closer, Reigate is in the next County.
I agree with the others, you have to put your young family first. This HA house will offer more security and peace of mind. I know your Mother has been ill but if she is able to work full time then she has made a good recovery. Lots of people see their parents at weekends or holidays from work etc.
Your Mother will get used to it and you can also have a conversation with your brother about keeping an eye on her a little more than he has been offering.
We had the choice of privately renting near London and being near both families or buying 300+ miles away.
It was no contest really. We went for stability and the adventure and it's the best move we could have made.
Go, settle and make a life, your mum will be just fine and is really only down the road.
We moved away from my parents when they were elderly - we were semiretiring but we had to do what was best for us and our teenage daughter. Although my mother was upset that we were moving she understood that we were doing the right thing for our family.
You have to do what is best for the four of you. Your children need stability and they will love being able to see their father more as he will not have the long commute and will not be so tired.
Your Mother should be thrilled for you. Not "in bits"
That's a very selfish reaction.
I would NEVER do that to my child.
I currently live thousands of miles from my Mother. I know she was upset...did she show it? No.
She wished me all the love and luck in the world.
Go. Take it. You must.
Oh and my Mother has a respiratory condition and has had a number of strokes.
OP it's not on to guilt your child.
Take the secure tenancy, Reigate to Littlehampton isn't far. Maybe mum might consider a similar move in time.
It offers security for the whole family and less travelling for your husband.
It is only an hour away and your mother should not be making you feel guilty. If she works full time there's no reason she can't travel to see you at the weekend.
It must be upsetting to your husband if you are wanting to stay despite all the benefits for the family.
Your mum should be supporting you. It's not like you won't see each other for months on end and surely you can talk on the phone in between visits?
Worried, it's a no brainier, isn't it? Your first responsibility is towards the future security of your DC. Also easier for DH and will add to his quality of life. Good time for your DC before they are settled into schools.
Sure your mum is upset and let her express her emotions but the odds are she will realise it's the only sensible choice.
When she retires she can consider moving closer to you if she misses you that much. The distance isn't that great and it would take longer to drive across some big cities!
At your first opportunity take your DM to see the new house so she can see where you're living and that the journey isn't that arduous. Are there good bus routes between the towns -- even if she drives she might find it more relaxing to hop on a bus. When your DC are older that can take the bus provided she is at the other end to meet them.
Good luck and ai hope you enjoy your new home.
If it's so important for your mum to be near you, she could always move to Reigate too
Brother's turn to step up.
Tell him to.
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