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A Facebook one.....

(26 Posts)
judybloomno5 Wed 24-Aug-16 00:18:55

Another Facebook one and I really hope I don't end up outing myself over this.

My DF died very suddenly and inexplicably earlier this year and naturally me, my DM and DB are absolutely, totally and completely broken hearted.

DF was a private and very security conscious person and had a Facebook account for looking at Brexit stuff (I know, i know, we all have our vices! -he very sadly died before he could cast his vote) but hated it when his immediate family put things up there about themselves or family situations. I got a stern talking to a few times.

Teenage cousin has been putting up very 'profound' statuses saying 'Thank you dear Uncle, RIP, I miss you, thank you for being an inspiration so much, i hope you are proud of me etc etc' and pictures of him on Facebook.

DM and DB are upset by this firstly because A. they weren't especially close- yes they saw each other on a fairly regular basis but my DF wasn't really 'like' that and B. DF would have been a bit annoyed about having pictures of him put up on Facebook and having things about him- like his profession etc. He was quite secretive about his life and didn't like social media.

Teen is also conversing on Facebook statuses with a friend of my DF who pretty much ignored DF in the last few years of his life. DF was offended by this and was quite upset that this friend wasn't 'interested' in him anymore. He spoke about it a lot and would have been annoyed that suddenly this friend has come out of the woodwork.

AIBU to have a word with the parents of this teen? My DB and DM are quite annoyed but I appreciate that we aren't the only ones grieving and that being a teen might be playing a part in this.

I don't want the memory of my DF tainted in anyway by creating bad feeling amongst the family. I know DF would have probably been a bit baffled by teen's reaction and tributes to him.

judybloomno5 Wed 24-Aug-16 00:25:42

What do I do? Whilst I appreciate he's free to put stuff up fine wants, I'd rather he didn't but can cope if he continues but don't want DM or DB upset as they feel DF wouldn't want stuff on social media about himself

ElsaAintAsColdAsMe Wed 24-Aug-16 00:26:21

How old is the teen? 13 would be having a word with parents territory, 19 would be have a word with the teen.

Although your df wasn't close to your cousin it's possible your cousin felt close to him and is processing that. That shouldn't be at the expense of your feelings though.

If your cousin doesn't know she is hurting you then she won't change her behaviour.

If your cousin insists on doing it even after your feelings are clear then the best thing to do is block her.

So sorry for your loss flowers

WorraLiberty Wed 24-Aug-16 00:26:28

I'm sorry for your loss thanks

But you can't tell people how to deal with death - especially teenagers who could be going through a whole range of emotions they don't know how to deal with.

He has grown up in the age of social media, therefore he's probably dealing with this the only way he knows how.

My 84 year old Dad always says, "Grief is for the living, not for the dead".

People just deal with these things differently but if it's distressing you and you don't want to block him (so as not to cause a fuss), you can hide him from your news feed and he'll be none the wiser.

judybloomno5 Wed 24-Aug-16 00:36:33

Thank you it's really hard. I'm at the end of a pregnancy and dreading the day DF doesn't join my DM in coming to see me in hospital like he did with DD1 ☹️ I miss him.

He's 16. Part of me knows (having had plenty of my own teenage angst) that this is probably an instrument of lots of other things and being a teen is hard work. I don't want anyone to hurt unnecessarily as we've all hurt enough. DM and DB have deleted him off Facebook and DB has made it very clear to cousin that he knew his DF wouldn't like being put up on social media. but the post is still there along with the conversation with DF's friend.

rollonthesummer Wed 24-Aug-16 00:39:58

Can you access the FB page and change the settings so that people can't post on there any more?

WorraLiberty Wed 24-Aug-16 00:41:14

I'm so sorry to say this but, even after a loss, no-one gets to control anyone's social media I'm afraid.

That's the age we're living in now.

I know a bit about how you feel re the pregnancy btw. I was 3 months pregnant at my own Mother's funeral.

It won't feel like it now, but it does get easier. Honestly thanks

judybloomno5 Wed 24-Aug-16 00:44:19

no he's done a few monologue like statuses on his profile with pictures. DF wasn't friends with him on Facebook.

glitterwhip Wed 24-Aug-16 00:48:12

You can actually appeal to Facebook and have the Facebook profile made private so that comments won't be allowed on it ..I'm not sure how successful you'd be but it's worth a try x

judybloomno5 Wed 24-Aug-16 00:48:34

Thank you Worra. I hope so and that's kind of you to reassure me- the two issues haven't really helped each other. The happiest of times has been the saddest of times. I'm thankful he knew I was pregnant though- he loved his GD1, never heard him singing nursery rhymes until about 18 months ago!

Somerville Wed 24-Aug-16 00:56:00

Sorry about your loss, especially at such an emotional time. flowers

You should memorialise your Dad's FB account. It's very straightforward, and you can choose to set it so that other people can't post on his wall, if you want. Or you could apply for his account to be deleted. Maybe ask your brother to read the options through with your mum and then choose which option feels most appropriate.

Personally I like having allowed my late husband's account to be memorialised with fairly open settings. I find that then his friends and wider relatives who want to write a message (e.g. on his birthday) do it on his memorialised page - which I can choose when I'm feeling strong enough to look at - rather than on mine.

The other thing you could think about it whether to set up a group to share memories and thoughts about him. You could make it private, and be very careful who you invite - no-one he disliked. smile

If all else fails and it's still upsetting your um then have a quiet word with your cousin's parents. But I actually think it's rather sweet that your cousin has reacted like this to the loss. If you get your dad's site deleted then you might want to print the cousins comments first, as actually I think they could be of comfort to someone in the family in the future.

Somerville Wed 24-Aug-16 00:58:20

Oh sorry, I cross posted.

You should memorialise or have your dad's account deleted, anyway.

Your cousin can put whatever he likes on his own wall. Just hide him so that you don't have to see it.

judybloomno5 Wed 24-Aug-16 01:04:17

Thank you Somerville funnily enough I've just been reading about the memorial page option. I'll go through it with mum tomorrow.

It's on teen's Facebook page, what mum calls an 'attention seeking out pour'. I was a similar age to cousin when my grandad died and I can't really remember how I reacted.

Somerville Wed 24-Aug-16 01:19:39

Maybe it's a bit attention seeking. But she's right that it's also an outpouring of emotion. Which meant that your amazing dad meant something to him.
There really isn't a right way to grieve.

Competitive grief is very upsetting - I've had a bit of that on FB - one of DH's colleagues who compared my grief about DH to theirs for him, and a friend who compared my loss to the loss of their cat. (No kidding). But then it's been really in my face - posted on my wall, or on DH's memory page. And so obvious that quite a few other people have noticed and gone 'WTF' and there has clearly been pressure behind the scenes for them to delete it.

Is what your cousin is writing so in your face that other people would think it's a bit off? If so, a gentle word to his parents, perhaps. If not then I'd assume he doesn't mean it unkindly, and he's grieving in his own way. And at least it being on his own wall means it is very easy for you all to hide his posts.

judybloomno5 Wed 24-Aug-16 01:37:55

I think anyone who knew my DH well would think it was odd and even more so those that knew my DH and my cousin.

I'm so sorry to hear about your DH. I can't imagine what it must be like to lose your partner and I won't unless I lose mine. We've had a bit of competitive grief, not too bad though, nobody insensitive enough to compare it to losing a pet though.

BillSykesDog Wed 24-Aug-16 02:38:25

On the other hand, it sounds like possibly your father made more of an impression on this young man than you realised. I can understand why you don't like this, but it is also a compliment that he thought so highly of your DF.

I would talk to him, but do it in a nice way, not in anger. Because it sounds like he held your DF in high esteem and is not trying to be unkind. Thank him for the words, but ask him to tone it down.

londonrach Wed 24-Aug-16 03:13:44

Yanbu....i mostly buy own brand. However ive yet to find a replacement that tastes as good as shreddies...

Somerville Wed 24-Aug-16 03:15:07

Umm, wrong thread, londonrach ? smile

londonrach Wed 24-Aug-16 03:41:10

Whoops sorry...holding a baby and mntting same time..😳😳😳

Sorry about your df op. 💐 I couldnt advise in any way so wasnt going to post. Others have given good advice.

WoburnSands Wed 24-Aug-16 13:39:15

OP I can completely understand how you feel on this. I've experienced a very similar situation in many ways. My grandfather passed away some years ago, and I had a cousin who behaved in very much the same (inexplicable, or at best, surprising) way. Me and my cousin do NOT have the same grandfather, btw, and are NOT first cousins, just to give some context. Unlike your situation though, me and my cousin ARE the same age and we were at the same primary school class together. I had my cousin as a friend on fb back around 2008, and when I scanned some old photos of me and my family - including my late Grandad onto facebook, my cousin's reaction was a bit odd, given the circumstances. I'd moved away from the family by this time - so lived about 200 miles away from him, but as soon as he'd see the photos he'd comment underneath something along the lines of: "Oh my mum had her hanky out and was crying, we've both been so emotional on seeing these photos etc etc...." Now I thought this was a bit strange because - when my Grandad was alive, he didn't seem at all close to this branch of the family, and neither were my mum and dad. In fact, my parents think that the boy (My cousin) and his family (hanky brandisher and father) are dicks, for want of a better word. They've never said that directly, I'm just transposing how I think they feel from their previous reactions. In particular, his 'hanky brandishing' mum is an alcoholic, and my mum has often talked about what she sees as her stupid antics when she was younger. Not that I'm saying all alcholics are like this by any means, I'm just giving all the facts. Also, my mum always saw my cousin when we played together when younger as a clingy, immature child. Me and my cousin used to play at school and holidays as children but now I'm an adult and moved several hundred miles from the area I was brought up etc etc - my cousin is NOT the type of person I want to spend my adulthood with... he's a nosey immature (my opinion, I know) pest basically, and everytime I was on facebook he'd be asking quite nosey questions about my personal life. I didn't ask him personal questions at all -cos I wasn't the least bit interested- - so the relationship between me and my cousin was, at best a little lop-sided in this regard.
I know many of the details are different OP, between yours and my story, but I think the essence of both our situations are the same : puzzlement (and disbelief) at the somewhat 'inappropriateness' of our cousins attitudes and behaviours towards our deceased relatives and our wonder at why they're 'overegging it' iyswim.

WoburnSands Wed 24-Aug-16 13:40:05

OP - sorry for the overly long post - and sorry for the loss of your father.

Congratulations, btw, on your pregnancy.

myownprivateidaho Wed 24-Aug-16 13:47:37

So sorry for your loss. I think that you should see your cousin's posts for what they are - tributes to your DF that come from a place of love and grief. His grief might be less than yours but that doesn't make it less real. The posts are within the norm of how people deal with death these days - they're certainly not strange or inappropriate for any reason other than your DF's personal preferences. I understand it's not what your or your DF would have wanted, but perhaps you could focus on the fact that your DF had an impact on this young man's life and that he was loved.

WoburnSands Wed 24-Aug-16 13:56:28

My situation was also different from yours in that your DF's passing is much more recent, hence your cousin's recent 'outpourings' on fb. Maybe in this respect I'm being a little harsh on your cousin, OP, by comparing him to mine.

That said, you are the closest to your cousin, therefore you are in the best position to judge if your instincts tell you his behaviour's a bit 'out of synch' or an overreaction, given the situation.

shovetheholly Wed 24-Aug-16 14:17:05

I'm so sorry for your loss. Your heartbreak rings out in every word of your post.

I think teens will be teens. They do tend to be attention-seeking in the way they use social media, and they often don't have much experience of things like death, so grief and loss are new territory. They are also very often on the reach for anything that can bring them the status of tragic victim!! It's not surprising, therefore, that you sometimes get these rather narcissistic 'bereaved' messages from them, that blend their usual slightly posey Facebook style with the experience of losing someone.

I can understand that your mother and sister are upset, but they can't really control how others react to your DF's passing. Unfortunately, on social media you can refuse to engage yourself, but you can't really prevent people saying things about you. Nor can you prevent social interaction between them and other parties. I don't think it in any way detracts from your DF's memory or the rest of the family's very real grief that this is happening. I would ignore it as childish and immature.

judybloomno5 Wed 24-Aug-16 18:36:44

I think it's narcissism as well as him trying to look a bit dark and philosophical maybe.
he's got a new girlfriend and apparently he took her to dads grave. There's nothing but a rock I bought.

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