to want to cut my parents out of my life?(11 Posts)
Hi, I apologise in advance for the long story. Basically, I am an only child of a physically and mentally abusive alcoholic stepfather and a mother who just airbrushes any unpleasantness out of her memory so she can pretend we're a happy family. I do love my parents but we have had more downs than ups and it was a relief to move out of home and get away from them at 18. My Dad can be honest about my childhood but any remorse doesn't go as far as trying to improve his behaviour. Myself and DH had set pretty strong boundaries but the last couple of years they have been quietly eroded by my mother and yes, we have let her. The last weekend they spent here has been awful. My Dad sitting in a separate room, getting drunk and very nasty, ignoring my DH then telling our kids their father was anti-social and weird, that he didn't spend any time with me or our kids (this coming from a man who never did anything with me and won't do anything with his grandchildren without a massive strop, normally because he is hungover). He then started a massive row with me over something stupid the night before they left and they left pretty sharpish the next morning before I could lose my rag. My mother has been particularly poisonous on this trip. When she visits she expects everything to stop because she is there. But we have animals, including ponies and we still have to muck out, feed etc. She was objecting to the time this was taking as she wants nothing to do with them and doesn't like to even sit with a cup of tea while the kids sort them out (they have four ponies between them and I have one, so I expect the kids to sort the ponies out in the holidays as I do it when they have school), so then she starts asking the kids are they sure they even wanted their ponies, that they were not being forced to ride and take care of these animals just to keep me happy (it was me that got them into riding) and that she feels it is very unfair of me to make them work so hard, it's a full time job etc. It is just constant snide attacks and innuedenos and the kids even feel they have to guard what they are saying to avoid rows. DH has had enough and refuses to let them back into the house, saying he is not letting a alcoholic around his kids anymore nor is he having anyone in his house who tries to undermine his relationship with his kids. I agree with him. Then there is the fact that they have nothing nice to say about anyone and being around them is like being drip fed bile. But they can be great. They have always been there when we needed them and I hope they can say the same about us. But I feel exhausted from the fighting and from trying to keep the boundaries with them (not drinking around us or the kids went RIGHT out the window this weekend), they are self-absorbed, spiteful children. But I am their only child and I still love them. I know a conversation with them is pointless as they will simply say the conversations with the kids didn't happen (I have no reason to believe my kids are lying). After 14 years of having Christmas on our own because they start drinking at lunchtime and start fights, my mother has simply assumed they will be spending Christmas with us and THAT triggered another row. I don't want my children to have the same awful memories that I have. I want them to leave us alone and yet.....I have told others to not feel guilty about cutting toxic people from their lives and I can't seem to do it myself. We're supposed to be moving to a location only two hours drive from them and I feel sick to my stomach at the thought of being closer. I am so sorry for the long message. I don't even know what I am trying to say any more. But I have a husband who adores me, a dream job, two great kids and a country life with horses. You would think they would be happy we are so happy, yet when they visit, every thing about us is attacked. I feel so miserable.
Under those circumstances I'd either cut them completely or only meet up with them on neutral ground where you can leave when you choose.
2 hours=daytime visits, handy! No need for anyone to stay overnight. As for Christmas, tell them it's simply no, or organise a pub equidistant between the two of you. I wouldn't allow them to stay with you again. They sound a lot like mine, but they can't even promise not to drink, they go out and buy booze or bring it with them. Utterly depressing.
Are you sure you want to move so close? Do you have to? Ignore your mother's comments re the ponies: if she's not horsey, she just won't get it.
People who aren't horsey never understand how long it takes to look after them etc!
Nor do they understand that it's a pleasure and not a chore for most people who have them.
They sound jealous. Do you have a nicer life than them? It sounds like it and it certainly sounds like jealousy
debs77, We are better off, I think there is a lot in their lives that is great but THEY look at everything as a negative. My Dad is retired, my Mum HATES her job, but they own their own home, small but theirs, an investment flat and have a new car parked on the drive. She keeps saying they are skint but this is because they are crap with money - more is spent on booze than food and if they want something, they just put it on the credit card and don't ask if they can afford it. Of course, we are so wealthy etc, etc, again, it's an attack. Their marriage is shit though, always has been. And yes, the horsey thing - my eldest daughter is now saying she doesn't want anyone non horsey out to the house anymore as she gets sick of the complaining, even from her own friends, about the time taken to feed them and turn them out after school. Like you say seahorse106, we enjoy caring for our ponies, it forms a stronger bond and we find it relaxing.
I do think meeting up on neutral territory, during the day for a couple of hours, is the only option that is left. DH doesn't want them in our home again and I don't blame him. Even if I did, I'm not wrecking my marriage for them.
and I still love them What is it that you love about them? They don't seem to love or respect you and your family, so what is it that you love about them?
Have you read the 'Stately Homes' threads, Op? I wonder if this 'love' for your parents is FOG.
Its ridiculous to think just because you visit someone they can neglect a liove animal. They are totally self centered and toxic.
Go no contact. You dont need permission. Your kids will get more out of mucking out their ponies than an alcioholic step grandad.
Agree with the meeting up for a pub lunch. The two hour distance can be an advantage, be honest say 'I thought this short meet up would be better as you kept going on about the animals'
Do not be bullied into having them over for Christmas. Say they cannot drink as you don't want drunken behaviour to spoil DC Christmas. Stop pussy footing around them. You seem to have made a great life for yourself don't let doubt your choices.
Of course you still love them they are your parents and bought you up. You had some good memories and they have their good points I am sure. You probably feel sorry for them and have guilt feelings about them but you don't need to feel guilty at all. I think even abused children still love their parents at least I still do , as for your dh he is right you shouldn't have them in your home go to theirs to visit .
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