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To be at a total loss as to what to do about this child?

(31 Posts)
ambergreenred Tue 23-Aug-16 18:10:39

DD is 11 and has just finished year 6, and is about to start secondary school.

Since reception at primary school she has been friends with a girl who I would basically describe as a 'Friend Assasin'. She does not want DD to have any other friends, and anyone that DD does become friends with this girl stirs and tells lies about DD, before making that friend her new best friend, turning them against DD and DD is left out in the cold.

Over the years at primary school DD has been friends with this girl, and not been friends with her at various times yet friend or not this girl STILL does this. Her mother is very much a divide and conquer, gossipy type who does this kind of thing too, so no use speaking to her about it. I have spoken to the school time and again but they have always said it is a grey area and that there was nothing that they could do about it as they can't dictate who children are friends with, even though this girl has always turned others against DD.

For the last term of year 6, DD became friends with a really nice girl and really liked her. Towards the end of the term, the other girl turned the new friend against DD and now is best friends with her.

DD is not going to the same secondary school as friend assasin, however we do live in a small town where everybody knows everybody else. It is really hard to be anonymous and have any fresh starts and make new friends here. This week DD has been going to a summer camp type thing at her new school for all the year 7s to get to know each other. Yesterday she spent the day hanging round with a new friend she had made, who is in her form.

Today she got to the school and this new friend said that the friend assasin had sent her a lengthy message on social media last night telling her not to be friends with DD and that DD isn't very nice, and with lots of lies in it. DD is not on any social media, I won't allow her to be. However, everyone else seems to be and friend assasin had asked other friends from DD's primary school who DD had made friends with at the new school, then deliberately sought her out on social media, added her as a friend, and messaged her!!

I really am at a loss as to how to deal with this! As I said, this girl is at a different school so no point speaking to DD's new school. And as our town is small and everyone seems to know everyone else I feel that this girl will deliberately seek out anyone DD is friends with. She even, earlier this year, found out who DD is friends with at guides and befriended them too.

What do I do? It's not acceptable, is it?

BarbarianMum Tue 23-Aug-16 18:17:56

I think you'll find that your dd's new school friends will not be very influenced by a nasty random who tries and dictates their friendships. But it is cyberbullying. Can you get a copy of the latest message (as evidence) to start with.

phillipp Tue 23-Aug-16 18:20:54

It's cyber bullying. Can you get the message sent to you?

If so I would be inclined to send it to the mother reminding her that's it's illegal.

Or send it to the other girls new school and ask them to intervene. Our school have when their pupils have been caught bullying kids from other schools.

ambergreenred Tue 23-Aug-16 18:21:16

I'm hoping that that is the case, Barbarian, but this girl does seem very powerful amongst her peers and lots of primary school children who were very taken in by her lies are at this school too to fuel things.

I will ask DD to ask this girl for a copy.

BarbarianMum Tue 23-Aug-16 18:25:27

In which case it may be worth giving your dd's new school the heads up as well. And yes, this girl's new school may well be interested if it carries on.

brasty Tue 23-Aug-16 18:25:43

I think this is an area where you could end up making things worse. This site might help.

yorkshapudding Tue 23-Aug-16 18:27:52

I would print off the message and take it to the girls mother. Explain that you understand friendships are very fluid at this age and that kids do fall out but that this is bullying behaviour and needs to be dealt with.

MoonfaceAndSilky Tue 23-Aug-16 18:34:54

Do you know the girl's mother? You should have a word with her and tell her if it doesn't stop you will take it further.

paranoidmother Tue 23-Aug-16 18:35:55

we had a similar problem as DD's school when she was in year 6. The school dealt with it even though it was an out of school problem but it has to be reported to the police. To many problems with cyber bullying and the results that happen from it.
Talk to the parents if they are approachable or go straight to the police.

ImperialBlether Tue 23-Aug-16 18:38:16

But the mum is the same! She's clearly where the daughter learned her tricks.

I'd write to both schools, OP. Horrible situation for your poor daughter to be in.

bestofbothhovis Tue 23-Aug-16 18:41:45

Ask for a copy and show the mother

Chottie Tue 23-Aug-16 18:44:55

I would get a copy and speak to the school. I would not bother speaking to the mother. If this situation has been going on for so many years, the mother cannot be unaware of it. She is just ignoring it.

IMO this needs to be nipped in the bud pronto.

GabsAlot Tue 23-Aug-16 18:47:42

show the mother even if she is the same and say if one more incident happens u will be going to the police for cyber bullying

GabsAlot Tue 23-Aug-16 18:48:52

what schol they dont attend the same one anymore

LoopiusMaximus Tue 23-Aug-16 18:57:27

Firstly, I'd pay the parents a visit and inform them that every time their precious daughter does something to your dd, you will do the same to them. I'd also inform the police (non emergency number) and let her parents know the police are involved. This should be enough to stop It!

The police are important as they will keep a record and will ask your dd to log incidents. Try and get a screen shot of the messages. They will take the bullying seriously, it can have horrible consequences and could affect your dds self esteem, confidence and school performance. I was bullied in the same way you describe, it was well over 15 years ago but it ruined my school and college years.

My parents 'visiting' her parents and the Police involvement stopped the bullying but It'd already been happening for years by then. I missed so much school and had no friends at that point as they had been turned against me.

I hope it gets resolved soon, you sound like lovely people but it's time the little brat was stopped!

CoraPirbright Thu 25-Aug-16 15:13:04

If you can get the message, I would print it out. Then ask bully & mother over for tea, lay it on the table in front of them both and say "this has to stop". Point out that it's cyber bullying & that the police would be interested if it continues.

Also get your dd to have some little phrases ready for such occasions like "oh dear, please don't listen to her. She is obsessed with me & loves to spread lies. She's a bit of a stalker, isn't she, to track you down just to tell you lies about me. Really weird". If she is able to point out to her new mates how odd it is that this girl is tracking down people she has never met to tell them stuff they are likely to see how odd it is and give less credence to what she says.

pluck Thu 25-Aug-16 17:53:57

Don't contact the parents directly. Strange as it may sound, contacting the police is the more proportionate escalation.

JellyBelli Thu 25-Aug-16 18:01:42

Its cyberbullying, so just go to the police.
Whatever you do, dont try to sort it out with the mother. they are not reasonable people and it wont end well.

DPotter Thu 25-Aug-16 18:18:58

This is prolonged, nasty bullying which has developed into cyber bullying. Get hold of the message and go to the Police. The primary school wasn't interested and the secondary will not be able to act as its happened outside of school. Maybe give them the heads up on it and end by saying you have also reported to the police.
Agree you could also give your DD some phrases to say to give her some confidence.

rosesarered9 Thu 25-Aug-16 20:13:47

I think you should report her to the police.

WellyMummy Thu 25-Aug-16 20:23:12

First get a copy of the message. Then inform the police. Cyber bullying is taken very seriously. I would also inform both new schools with a copy of the message and steps taken.

Good luck, this is important don't let other parents influence you into underplaying it.

roseteapot101 Thu 25-Aug-16 20:47:44

surely this is stalking which is now illegal i would start collecting evidence and consider getting advice from somewhere like citizens advice

Trojanhorsebox Thu 25-Aug-16 21:00:44

I'm overseas. Where we are you would not be fobbed off by the school saying what happens outside school is not their problem. Any of the schools I know here have regular sessions about social media use etc. This would be seen as cyber bullying, the school would act and may also involve their police liaison - the alternative, as others say, is to go direct to the police.

loona13 Thu 25-Aug-16 21:12:53

Our secondary school deals efficiently with out of school incidents too. I would report to the police, and inform assassin's new school.

Disabrie22 Thu 25-Aug-16 21:13:57

This girl sounds slightly sociopathic to me - she needs the police to be involved as she clearly seems to enjoy playing this game. I would actually let the new school know so they can keep an eye out for your daughter and spend some time boosting her self esteem. Take and print screen shots of all interaction - make sure dates and times are on it.

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