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To question my Close Friends for staying in touch with my ex..?

(32 Posts)
DooRight Tue 23-Aug-16 12:01:45

My oldest friends appear to be sidelining me, in favour of my ex and her new partner. - my friends only met her through me - she left me....

My ex & I have both moved on - but I am finding this hard to accept

should I be disappointed - or just not surprised...?

hellsbellsmelons Tue 23-Aug-16 12:09:49

Speak to them. Tell them how you feel.
I'd feel very let down if I was you.
My ExH cheated on me and I know my closest friends wouldn't even think of trying to contact him.

shaggedthruahedgebackwards Tue 23-Aug-16 12:11:58

I don't think questioning them is a good idea TBH and may push them further away

Have you actually made an effort to do things with them and they have turned you down or it more a case that they haven't instigated any social contact with you since the split?

readtoomuch Tue 23-Aug-16 12:12:53

Depends how your relationship ended. I knew of someone who cheated incessantly on his ex. Then when she left him he went round trying to garner support about what a bitch she was from his friends. Although they stayed friends with him, they refused to hate her and they also refused to cut her off.

Also, if you've been together a long time and got to know someone's partner like a friend it is hard to just cut them off. So you have to ask whether you are being actually sidelined or whether they are just staying friends with both of you and you don't like that.

OptimisticSix Tue 23-Aug-16 12:12:54

Friend can be odd, my ex was violent towards me and his eldest child and when I left him one of my closest friends at the time said she felt sorry for him. Can't say we were ever really friends after that... that's said, try and tell them how you feel. Maybe they don't realise.

HermioneJeanGranger Tue 23-Aug-16 12:14:39

Why did you break up? I think that's pretty key. If you just grew apart, why on earth shouldn't they stay friends? It seems a bit harsh to cut her off if she hasn't done anything wrong. It's your relationship that broke down, not their friendship.

DelicatePreciousThing1 Tue 23-Aug-16 12:17:51

Why shouldn't they stay friends? Erm- what about that little thing called loyalty?

SaucyJack Tue 23-Aug-16 12:23:56

Assuming there's no bad blood between any of you, and you don't think they're getting together to slag you off... then I don't really think anyone's done anything wrong.

It's just one of those things innit. If they like spending time together, then there's no real reason why they should stop seeing each other or cool their friendship.

Be gracious and adult about it- but obviously don't feel obliged to prioritise friends that no longer prioritise you.

DooRight Tue 23-Aug-16 12:24:39

Sorry to drip feed :
We have spoken about it - but according to them "It's all very difficult.." - "...we are friends with her now too.." -( they have known me 35 years - her 10)
"....we don't want to have to choose...." - seems like they already have to me...
We split several years ago... My ex really fucked up (money-wise) - and literally would rather move out than admit fault/apologise

I have done thing socially with the friends in the interim - although they are on the wane...

maybe just need to face facts..?

DooRight Tue 23-Aug-16 12:26:16

Thank you... DelicatePreciousThing1

DooRight Tue 23-Aug-16 12:27:23

Good advice SaucyJack -

HermioneJeanGranger Tue 23-Aug-16 12:32:01

But why can't you be friends with both people? I don't get it. My ex royally fucked up when we split but I certainly wouldn't make my friends choose between us!

We're adults. I don't speak to my ex but who am I to control his friendships? confused

DooRight Tue 23-Aug-16 12:35:43

I hope that I am not coming over as bitter - I have never, and would never, ASK them to choose - but their actions (not detailed here) indicate to me that, defacto, they have chosen - I guess who they chose is what's upsetting me...

c3pu Tue 23-Aug-16 12:50:28

After knowing her for 10 years, I think I'd be inclined to accept that they had enough time to have made a friend on their own terms.

SoupSpork Tue 23-Aug-16 12:53:35

If it had been a short term relationship Id agree with you, but after 10 years of course friendships will have been made and I think it's unfair to expect them to cut someone out of their lives who's been in their friendship group for so long

Hockeydude Tue 23-Aug-16 12:58:28

I'd just cut them all off. My ex was really deceitful, nasty etc and made me very miserable. Anyone wanting to remain friends with him, knowing how cruel he had been to me was immediately cut off. Don't regret it!

WannaBe Tue 23-Aug-16 13:03:46

IMO it's unreasonable to expect others to take sides in your relationship break-up. It was your breakup not theirs. Some people do take sides and they're not wrong for doing that, but others feel they can remain friends with both parties. And even when people take sides it doesn't necessarily mean there has been bitching from the other side.

When me and eXH split I removed all our mutual friends from my FB on account of the fact that many of them had been his friends first so I felt I had no right to those friendships. A few months later I had a message from one of them wishing me well, saying she wasn't sure why I had unfriended her. I just explained that I didn't feel I had the right to the friendship any more to which she replied that she never wanted to take sides and that she didn't want to be involved in the details anyway as they were between us. And that she'd always valued my friendship as I'd been good to her in the past. So we renewed the friendship. We don't see each other due to distance, but she never took sides and I will always appreciate her for that.

kennypppppppp Tue 23-Aug-16 13:08:10

friends of mine are still facebook friends with my ex. i find it odd as they don't see him or speak to him or have any contact.

i'd be feeling teh same as you though. cross and fcuked off. and to be honest, as i read on the internet somewhere this morning (so therefore it MUST be true) "a lion doesn't stay awake at night thinking about sheep". or it was something like that. so be the lion. anyway - am on your side! i choose you!! lol. (the heat's got to me).

DooRight Tue 23-Aug-16 13:17:15

kennypppppppp - Loving The Lion Quote smile - But it looks like, on balance, Kenny & I are in a minority - I guess I was expecting a bit more sensitivity from my friends - had they shown it I probably wouldn't have posted in the first place - although thinking about it - I am not sure why I was expecting it ? -as they have never been known for it in the past - good to get some perspective though -

Aussiemum78 Tue 23-Aug-16 13:23:38

I've struggled with the "don't take sides" thing even though friends knew he was violent to me.

In the end it was just healthiest for me to cut contact rather than keep up a facade of being ok with it, not talking about it and worrying what was being said about me all the time.

Unless it was amicable, pick a side. If you support my abuser you already have and I don't need the friendship.

Aussiemum78 Tue 23-Aug-16 13:24:47

This might help

AppleSetsSail Tue 23-Aug-16 13:26:59

Unless it was amicable, pick a side. If you support my abuser you already have and I don't need the friendship.

There's a pretty wide berth between abuse and amicable, though?

ShatnersWig Tue 23-Aug-16 13:31:22

I'm going to sort of side with you, OP.

Name changed for this, too identifying.

I split with my ex after 10 years some time ago now. When we became a couple, she was introduced to all my friends and we tended to socialise in two larger groups. In one of the groups were five couples, all in our 30s. Unexpectedly, after we had all known each other about 5 years, one of the husbands dropped dead. Leaving behind two very young children. The now widow was a far better friend of mine than my ex, having known her much longer.

When he died, aside from family, I was the only person she contacted and wanted to see. She wanted me to speak at the funeral, which of course I did. She leaned on me quite heavily. She later organised another event in his memory to raise money for a charity which she asked me to help organise. I had had depression previously, as she now had, so we used to talk a lot. My ex had no problem.

Four years later, my ex and I split. That Christmas my friend invited my ex to spend Christmas with her. My ex has family who ever year we had to have stay at ours for Xmas. I don't have family. So I spent my first Xmas on my own and saw no one on Xmas Day or Boxing Day. But my friend, whom I had known for longer and who I helped through everything, invited my ex for Xmas.

Yes, our split was relatively amicable, no cheating or anything. I had no problem with friends staying friends. But that was a real kick in the teeth. I'm still friends with that friend, but I see her much much less and it is certainly not the same. I've never said anything, but I think she knows.

314dPiper Tue 23-Aug-16 13:36:14

That would have hurt me a lot but my x was abusive.

Any sniff of ''ah, these things are six of one and half a dozen of the other'' or if I sensed somebody thought that there was another side to the story. (ie, some justification for his having abused me financially, verbally, emotionally for 7 years) then I just had to delete them, walk away, give up.

AppleSetsSail Tue 23-Aug-16 13:46:57

I have a good friend who divorced and insisted that I cut off her ex. I wasn't crazy about the guy anyway but he had his good points and I regret heeding her demand because our kids are good friends.

In the absence of abuse or cheating, I think the adults in the group should be able to remain friends or at least friendly.

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