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To say no the more he asks?

(168 Posts)
MrsFarm Tue 23-Aug-16 10:51:08

DH wants sex all.the.time. Every day he asks "can we do it tonight" - he works alot and I am always trying to get him to spend time with me and the DC, when he does take time off and we go out for a few hours, he sees this as browning points and asks will he be "rewarded" - he says it in a jokey manner but I know he really does expect it. The more he asks, the more pressure I feel under to perform and the more I can't even kiss him, as I feel he just wants a snog, which he hopes will turn into more. At the moment now he is at his horniest which is making him ask me on a daily basis for a kiss/snog so annoying! I love him, but when he gets like this I can't even be near him, as I know he will pull me in for a big sloppy one....

facepalming Tue 23-Aug-16 10:53:43

I think you should he flattered he wants you all the time smile

Velvetdarkness Tue 23-Aug-16 10:58:05

Ugh. That sounds horrible and not at all flattering. He is being a sex pest. Have you talked to him about how it makes you feel?

Flumpsnlumpsnstuff Tue 23-Aug-16 10:58:50

Sounds like my DH, I got to the point I hated him touching me at all and eventually I ended it. Not because I didn't love him but I was sick of feeling guilty for not giving him what he wanted, DH then agreed to try counselling if I would stay in the house, he was shocked when the counsellor told him was a predator and his behaviour wasn't normal, it took about a year but we are 7 years on and although he sometimes tries to regress I stomp on it pretty quick. Hth

RattataPidgeyRattataPidgey Tue 23-Aug-16 11:01:31

Are you anything beyond a vagina to him?

ArmySal Tue 23-Aug-16 11:02:28

"Should be flattered", fuck me rigid!

Arfarfanarf Tue 23-Aug-16 11:03:18

It's not flattering to feel that all you are to someone is a sex toy.
Far more flattering to feel wanted yes but also valued, cherished, respected and thought of as an equal with the right of total control over your own body. Not a reward for pretty basic tasks that a grown up should be doing just because that's life!

AndroidAddict Tue 23-Aug-16 11:03:32

Tbh I sometimes feel the same. I don't feel at all flattered by the attention; instead it makes me feel overwhelmed and like I want to hide away. I felt like I shouldn't kiss, hug or cuddle him because he'd want more which ultimately made us feel more distant and me even less likely to want sex.

I have explained this, frankly, matter-of-factly, clearly to dh and he has taken notice - he doesn't mention it half as often and doesn't constantly try and make a kiss into something more. I feel more at ease.

NickiFury Tue 23-Aug-16 11:04:42

Don't be so stupid facepalming.

I couldn't stand this OP, I felt suffocated just reading your account of it. I couldn't be in a relationship like this.

Sparklesilverglitter Tue 23-Aug-16 11:05:29

I always think the biggest turn off is somebody that's always asking for sex- ugh!

You should be able to kiss your DH without him expecting more than that. If a kiss ends I'm sex, well nothing wrong with that but sex shouldn't be expected just because you've kissed.

Sex should be about passion, the moment taking you not somebody following you around all horny asking for sex

sianihedgehog Tue 23-Aug-16 11:06:52

Explain to him that it's putting you off. Suggest that the jokey remarks about rewards are stressing you out and are actually undoing the good effects of spending time with him. Tell him when you are most likely to be interested and how you'd like to be approached. Just talk to him.

SnipSnipMrBurgess Tue 23-Aug-16 11:12:52

Jesus that makes my skin crawl just reading it.

Have you said it before to him OP? What is his reaction when you say no- does he sulk?

ACubed Tue 23-Aug-16 11:19:14

I would feel exactly the same, it's difficult for men to understand that women can't just 'be in the mood' instantly, not that that's any excuse for pestering you about it! If I feel under any pressure at all to have sex (always from myself not my partner) I can't do it at all and get myself into a tizzy. Maybe explain that if needs to be spontaneous and not forced , and that you feel sexy making the first move (if that's true). Treating sex as a reward, even jokingly, I find really really creepy. Sorry you're in this crap situation x

MangoBiscuit Tue 23-Aug-16 11:20:32

DH used to do a watered down version of this. In his eyes, he was broaching the subject in a light hearted manner. In mine, he was pestering for sex, it creeped me out and was a total turn off. He hasn't done it since I explained how it made me feel. If he wants to suggest having sex, he'll just ask directly, which I find far more preferable, and respectful.

Just tell him. Explain that when he makes these little "jokes", it feels like he's putting pressure on you. It makes him appear juvenile, and like he's pestering for sex, which is not how you like seeing him, and is a total turn off. Tell him how you'd rather he handle it.

ffon Tue 23-Aug-16 11:21:08

You need to talk.
He needs to stop, completely. Sex off the agenda completely.
Meanwhile he gets on with being a loving, attentive partner- taking responsibility for household stuff, showing affection by talking, laughing, doing things together.
If he loves you this will be enjoyable for him and if he loves you he wants you to feel comfortable, right?

BeMorePanda Tue 23-Aug-16 11:21:28

reading that OP made me feel a bit sick.

He sounds like a sex pest and very very very unattractive - I don't blame you for being completely turned off by his behavior. I did have a bf like this many years ago and just the distant memory of his behavior makes me feel angry

MrsFarm Tue 23-Aug-16 11:22:10

I have said it to him before and he does sulk! And then he doesnt "try" anything for a night or two and then he reverts back to his normal ways and thinking he has been so good for staying away for so long. I must say though that its not always not this bad, he goes through phases and I do tell him that i feel under great pressure from him and it puts me off and he does try but he says he can't help himself, he says i'm so sexy and gorgeous and he can't resist (which are nice compliments to hear but I would rather "thanks for the dinner" tbh

BastardGoDarkly Tue 23-Aug-16 11:22:18

So he thinks you should pay him in sex for spending family time?! URGH.

Have you told him straight how it makes you feel?

BeMorePanda Tue 23-Aug-16 11:25:35

Sulking is pretty much second on the list of MASSIVE TURNOFFS after sex pest.

Firstly he needs to take on board that his behaviour re asking for sex and sulking are TURN OFFS for you.

BeMorePanda Tue 23-Aug-16 11:26:56

he needs to listen to you - he isn't hearing you and as what youa re saying doesn't fit in with his "worldview" of himself and his life, I don't think he is actually equipped to hear you and understand your POV

Evilstepmum01 Tue 23-Aug-16 11:28:23

I could have written this! My DH is lovely, but he has been doing this recently-I've been sleeping downstairs to get the point home! Now we've talked, I've told him it makes me feel like he doesnt love me for me! He's backed off and we can cuddle now!
Much better! He was getting upset and sulking cos he didnt think he did it for me anymore. Not when you're a sex pest no!! At least he listened and took it down a peg or two, tho I do have to remind him. Sternly.

JudyCoolibar Tue 23-Aug-16 11:30:44

You really need to lay it on the line that doing things for his family should just be normal and not something he does for a reward - after all, you don't demand rewards for doing considerably more. And also lay it on the line that sulking is incredibly unattractive. Tell him to grow up and take in the fact that you are a human being, not a sex receptacle.

TheSparrowhawk Tue 23-Aug-16 11:30:51

So the situation is - you have to convince him to spend time with his own family, and then when he does he thinks that as a reward he gets to use your body???? Then when you tell him how much this upsets and bothers you his response is to sulk.

He sounds like a complete turd.

SpookyPotato Tue 23-Aug-16 11:33:49

Some men just don't get that it has the complete opposite effect to what they want. Constant hints and pawing at you is such a turn off. If me or DP are in the mood we just say "do you fancy...?" Then if it's a 'No' then that's the end of it.

If he feels frustrated he needs to have a wank! I also don't like the earning of brownie points, he should be enjoying being with his family for the sake of it, not like he's doing you some kind of favour..

whattodowiththepoo Tue 23-Aug-16 11:35:30

If you aren't compatible then you aren't compatible, neither of you should live an unhappy life.

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