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To be gutted able it this

(9 Posts)
Dinosaurdrip Mon 22-Aug-16 21:59:32

Over a year ago I posted on here about whether or not to invite my dad to my wedding. The general consensus was that I shouldn't. I totally went against this and invited him anyway. blush he declined the invitation stating that his wife had felt uncomfortable at my younger brothers wedding 4 years earlier and he didn't want this to be the case again. To try and keep the peace because I'm a big wuss I just said I was obviously gutted he wouldn't be there but left it at that.

The wedding is next Friday and this weekend I go on Facebook and see that he is in England on holiday for a week. He has never mentioned coming over here and I'm a bit upset that he hasn't factored the time in to say hi even. He has benn in England twice this year now and not bothered at all. I have a DD who is 3.8, who he has never met and he couldnt even be bothered to come visit even for an hour. I don't know whether I'm overreacting and I don't know whether to feel angry or upset.

Dinosaurdrip Mon 22-Aug-16 22:01:24

Ffs title should say 'to be gutted about this'

CaptainCrunch Mon 22-Aug-16 22:04:27

Yanbu to be angry, upset and gutted, it's a perfectly normal reaction. Your father isn't going to change op, he'll never be the parent you want him to be. Ask yourself why you want someone so selfish and thoughtless in your life and move on without him.

MoonlightandMusic Mon 22-Aug-16 22:09:55

YANBU - it's absolutely not unreasonable that you feel upset or angry or anything in between.

Very cold comfort but, at least you know you've done everything you can to leave the approaches open. Don't know if you feel up to it but, it might be worth dropping his account from your social media, just so you're not constantly aware of where he is.

Easy to say but, don't let his being in England but not coming overshadow it - you have a (nearly)DH and DD as well as friends and other family to focus on. Hope you have a fantastic wedding day.

Theimpossiblegirl Mon 22-Aug-16 22:38:46

I'm not surprised you're gutted, what a shit way for him to treat you. You are entitled to be upset, but remind yourself that you are missing the father that he should have been, not the crappy excuse for a father that he is. You have your own family now, make new family memories together and remember that it is his loss, not yours.

Have a fabulous wedding.
thanks wine

DoJo Mon 22-Aug-16 23:17:29

YANBU to feel any way you do about this, but YABU to waste any more time or emotional energy trying to provide him with opportunities to be the father you deserve. He clearly hasn't got the capacity to be a decent parent, and you will drive yourself mad wondering why if you let yourself.

My dad is similar, and having chidren made me really realise how unthinkable it would be for me to treat a child the way he treated me. I realised that there was no common ground, no way I could <understand> what made him the way he is and I was able to let go of any lingering hope I had that there was anything I could do to make him want to be in my life the way I thought a father should be.

I hope you enjoy your wedding - for what it's worth my dad came to mine and made it awkward and uncomfortable and I wish I hadn't invited him at all, so you might be glad that he has shown his true colours before you're stuck with a load of wedding pictures featuring someone who isn't really in your life.

Dinosaurdrip Tue 23-Aug-16 05:37:47

Thanks, I know I just need to get over it. He's always been flakey tbh I just assumed with it being such a big day he would want to be there. He has adopted his wife's daughter and walked her down the aisle when she got married and is a brilliant grandad to her 3 dc. I guess I am jealous and sad for my dc that they don't get that from him.

Ds1 asked me the other day if my daddy was coming to the wedding to which I replied no. He said well that's a bit mean. I ended up making excuses for him, madness eh?

Henrysmycat Tue 23-Aug-16 06:00:42

I'm so sorry OP. I know it's not of help right now but can you 'replace' him?
I've been in a similar situation. Years ago my best friend who I had a faint idea of her father being a terrible flakey nasty father, open her personal floodgates and all it came out. Her dad did some horrid stuff and she kept on forgiving. From stealing from her to forging her signature for loans to ignoring her and never showing a shred of love. She was too ashamed to share anything with anyone. I shared some of those stuff with my own father. We have the closest relationships. My father is a softie and he was visibly upset. Next time, he saw her he took aside, I'm not sure what exactly was said but slowly over the ext few years, my dad 'adopted' her and she 'adopted' him. He never differentiate. When I visit them for Sunday lunch, she has to be there and she has to join in celebration and family breaks. We are in our 40's now and my dad was one of the first people to visit her son when he was born.
Maybe you have people around that could be there for you and you just have to wipe that man out of your life.
It's easier for me to say but it looks like you're banging your head against the wall and the wall has no intention of crumbling.

Dinosaurdrip Tue 23-Aug-16 06:23:03

Your dad sounds like an amazing, kind man Henry . To be honest I've known for many years that my dad is an absolute flake I justwanted him to care I guess. I was always a daddy's girl and when he and mum split (I was 10) I went right off the rails and blamed my mum for him leaving (he had multiple affairs). I hate the way I treated my mum and am surprised we have such an amazing relationship now. I'm so glad she will be there to walk me down the aisle, this would have always been the case regardless of whether dad had been there or not. I have brilliant friends and family and just need to think about who is going to be there and not who isn't.

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