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AIBU to consider leaving DH over this?

(62 Posts)
LeaveorStay Mon 22-Aug-16 20:57:34

DH has a bladder condition which makes it hard to pass urine. His urethra can spasm and "block" so he can have times where he can't pass urine at all. Often he can be going to the toilet every 10 minutes to try and clear a blockage, he's been hospitalised twice in the last year with the condition.

I was a SAHM for awhile, but DH was offered the opportunity to have the problem fixed by operation, so as he would only get SSP, I got a job to cover nursery fees for our DD and the rest of the bills minus his SSP. I work 3 days in the week and 1 at the weekend, DH is supposed to work 5 days.

I've been working now for 3 months but DH refuses to go back to the consultant to discuss having the operation and his condition is just getting worse.

In the last 3 months he's had 16 sick days, with a further 6 days over weekends when he wouldn't be working taken up by this condition. His work at unaware of what's wrong with him so he lies saying he's got a sickness bug or a cold, which is making the situation a whole lot worse. He doesn't get paid if he's off so I'm picking up the slack and having to work an extra day in the week, I'm also having to call in favours from family and friends with DD (14months) as she needs picking up from nursery two nights a week while I work late plus the extra day I'm picking up she needs to be cared for. It's meaning my mum having to go 5 miles out of her way twice a week to pick DD up from nursery (so an extra 20miles a week) and friends/neighbours having to look after her on the other days. People were happy to help for the 2/3 weeks he'd be on bedrest only after his op, and then for the 4-5 weeks after that before he could return to work I was going to pick up the extra day and nursery were going to have DD and arrange collection and drop off, they currently don't have room for her on the other day a week (the more days she does the cheaper the per day rate is). But this is taking the p out of our friends and family, particularly as I'm not allowed to say what the problem is. I'm fed up.

I can't even leave him with DD for 20 minutes while I pop to the shop as he can't stand still or bend down or do anything to help her, so I either have to take her with me, or make sure she's asleep and there's no chance she'll wake. How is it fair?

I've begged, I've pleaded, and I've written down how I feel. He just says it's worse for him. I know it's an embarrassing problem, particularly as it's generally diagnosed in men in their 60's not their 20's, but I just can't go on like this, I'm making compromise after compromise but he's doing nothing to help himself.

AIBU to give him the ultimatium that he either sorts himself out or I'm leaving?

user1471461166 Mon 22-Aug-16 21:01:37

YANBU but are you willing to actually leave if he doesn't follow through following your ultimatum?

JellyBelli Mon 22-Aug-16 21:03:18

YANBU. What is so bad about the operation that he cant face it? Its shocking that her prefers to live like this for the rest of his life.

PotofGold1186 Mon 22-Aug-16 21:05:37

Yanbu, if there is a cure he should take it. For his family's sake if not his.

TheWitTank Mon 22-Aug-16 21:05:57

Yanbu at all. I would definitely give him an ultimatum explaining that you can't live like this anymore.

Iggi999 Mon 22-Aug-16 21:07:23

Is he very very frightened of it? Even so, he needs to get back to his doctor. You won't be able to go on like this long term. Maybe give him a deadline to go so he can build up to it a little. I'm assuming a GP wouldn't speak to you about it?

Sorebigtoes Mon 22-Aug-16 21:09:01

YANBU at all. It sounds intolerable.

ginnybag Mon 22-Aug-16 21:09:41

I would.

If there were nothing that could be done, that would be different but there is, so he should be grabbing for it.

The fact that he isn't, that he's prepared to make you lie, risk your friendships and relationships, risk his job and completely abandon any responsibility for you child or any involvement in family life, would be an absolute game over for me.

LeaveorStay Mon 22-Aug-16 21:10:40

Iggi999 No the GP won't discuss it with me unless DH is there, I know he's scared and I can understand why, but he knows we can't live like this.

Building up to it might work, how long would you say I should give him to go back to his consultant?

SaggyNaggy Mon 22-Aug-16 21:11:42


You can leave so done for any reason ypou wish.
This man is making you unhappy, that's reason enough. He can decide to sort things out and start trying to make you happy though, that's his choice.

JinkxMonsoon Mon 22-Aug-16 21:17:45

How bizarre. His life must be hell and he doesn't want to be cured?

Also, why lie to work instead of telling them the truth?


tofutti Mon 22-Aug-16 21:18:13

YANBU. it might be the spur he needs, to get better and get his family back.

MsKite Mon 22-Aug-16 21:18:47

He obviously needs a push to make him sort himself out. If he still won't have the op even under the threat of you leaving, then that's his choice and you wnbu to leave.

Believeitornot Mon 22-Aug-16 21:20:17


He's got himself to a bad place and needs digging out.

He needs to break it down into short steps - he's probably so far down the road he thinks that trying to fix it will be too much.

He could lose his job. Does he realise this?

I'd seriously explain to him your thinking and feelings then give him a way of fixing it.

LeaveorStay Mon 22-Aug-16 21:22:50

Believeitornot He knows he could lose his job, but I think he thinks it'll be ok because I'm working.

I don't like the lying, or the effect it's having on our DD who's basically not got a dad when it's bad. And I also feel I can't have time off sick, because we need the money. Which is then effecting my health

BestZebbie Mon 22-Aug-16 21:23:54

Before leaving, I'd suggest the interim step of you properly explaining the situation to everyone directly affected by this. Maybe a bit of peer pressure will help, or else the threat of it will be the spur he needs to get sorted - his privacy is either sufficiently important to him that he has to 'pay' for it by action, or else he doesn't get to put it above the needs of the family.

LeaveorStay Mon 22-Aug-16 21:25:18

BestZebbie That's a good idea, sure my friends would love to hear the real reason he can't look after his DD.

Pollyanna9 Mon 22-Aug-16 21:31:03

It really sounds like it's reached a genuine crisis point where your childcare arrangements are going to implode soon, his work will sack him if he's off for much longer without explanation and if they then find out he's been lying, and then the family finances would collapse.

However you can do it (rope in friends/family - intervention-stylee?) he has to see the limit has been reached and he needs to get off to the consultant and get the operation booked.

What do you think would make it clear to him - and I mean crystal clear - that he needs to take action NOW?

YelloDraw Mon 22-Aug-16 21:33:37

Can't stand people that make other people's lives a misery instead of seeking medical help. Just don't get these head in sand people.

Rubies12345 Mon 22-Aug-16 21:35:54

DH was offered the opportunity to have the problem fixed by operation

Is it as easy as that? I mean will the operation definitely fix it or are there possible risks/complications?

Can you look it up

Lemonlady22 Mon 22-Aug-16 21:36:51

why doest he ask about self one needs to know what, when or how.....or isnt that an option?

Eudora96 Mon 22-Aug-16 21:37:30

I think YABU, how would you feel if it was the other way around.

Phineyj Mon 22-Aug-16 21:38:14

Could you confide in your mum and take DD there for a week? It might give your DH the push he needs and might be easier for your mum. IMO it is very unreasonable to expect you to lie about this - you need support too, it sounds very difficult.

Men can be complete idiots about health - both my DH and DDad have let themselves get seriously ill in the past with conditions that could have been addressed much earlier.

HeyOverHere Mon 22-Aug-16 21:39:35

YANBU, but I'd imagine he's scared. I would be, too, if I was a man and someone wanted to cut into my, well, manhood.

You've got some extremely practical reasons for wanting him to do it--and entirely reasonable ones--but remember, his reflexive emotional reasons for not wanting to do it may be stronger than his logic.

Talk to him about that, see if you can calm the fears. The doctor can't talk to you about his situation, but you can ask the doctor to help make it easier for him, to focus on the best case, the quality of life improvement, etc. Maybe that will help tip him into getting it done.

I hope you two can work it out, because it seems such a fixable thing for a marriage to end over. Best of luck to you both--and decades of good health!

PeppaIsMyHero Mon 22-Aug-16 21:39:42

I agree with BestZebbie: it might be worth talking to a close friend of his as a first step to see whether he can help without broadcasting further. But if that doesn't work then definitely spell out to him the position that he's putting you in. Are you, or are you not, a partnership? It doesn't sound like it at the moment.

Good luck.

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