Who is BU here? MIL and thank you cards

[chocolatefudgecake157]

Long time lurker, first time poster

MIL is generally lovely. Very well-to-do, bit of a snob and name dropper but overall she is pretty cool, non-interfering and we get on well.

She is obsessive about thank you cards though. She sends me TY cards for her birthday presents each year. Every Xmas she emails DH (who is 33) with a reminder to do his TY cards and details of his presents (he comes from a large family, most live aboard). They have close family stay with them for Xmas, have done for 20 year. They always exchange TY cards for gifts a week later despite opening them in front of each other.

She'll never openly admit to it but she does judge people who don't send TY cards. She sent a wedding present and new baby present to a friend's son - never received a TY card and went on about it so much that her friend cooled the relationship with her for a while.

Anyway, my family are not TY card people. My dad's culture doesn't do them and my mum just never has.

When DH and I got married, my parents received millions of TY cards from her large family. MIL and FIL ALSO received loads of TY cards even though my family hosted the wedding and paid for pretty much all of it.

Anyway DH's brother recently got married and PILs invited my parents. They get on well (see each other once or twice a year) but it was mostly a political decision I think. PILs had very small numbers and couldn't invite certain groups without offending others etc. so my parents were a neutral option, very close by to the venue and could also have a hand in watching DS who is a toddler. My parents went and all was well but they didn't get a chance to say bye to PILs (busy wedding, they were taking DS home etc etc).

I mentioned to my mum that she should probably send PIL a card to say thanks. I said how ridiculous they are and they are too much with TY cards. in truth I'll admit that I thought MIL will probably be expecting one and that was the main reason for me suggesting it (of course, during a phone call last week MIL did mention how many lovely letters they've had about the wedding).

My mum knows how silly I find it all. She did say she'd planned to send one to the bride's parents but didn't think of sending one to PILs.

Anyway I mentioned it again a few days later and my mum hit the roof, saying she shouldn't have to send them a card, they are pathetic, have me wrapped round their finger and that she won't send one. It then spiralled into a huge row over how ridiculous my inlaws are and how I'm turning into one of them.

My dad, trying to be diplomatic, suggested an email saying something along the lines of it was nice to see them and they enjoyed themselves with no explicit thank you. But my mum won't even do that.

she didn't speak to me for 3 days! We've made up but I haven't broached the subject.

First world problem I know but is my mum right?

[Giratina]

Well I've never heard of sending a thank you card to someone for having been invited to a wedding, only for the bride and groom to send them for their gifts so yeah it seems a bit OTT to me.

[Jellybean83]

A thank you card for a wedding invite? I've never heard of such a thing. Sorry but I think your mum is right here.

[GoldFishFingerz]

Maybe your Dad can send a thankyou email. It's the perfect compromise. Thankyou texts are also acceptable.

[Tiggeryoubastard]

Of course she is. Why in earth would they send thank you cards for that? And yes. You're nagging her to do it. You should back right off. I'd tell you where to put an unnecessary card as well.

[RaggyDoll1]

I think your mum should, you asked her nicely, its cheap, not a big deal and she should just think she is making your life easier.
I would do it for my daughter, why is your mum making such a big deal out of it?
and to not speak for 3 days thats really petty. Poor you, OP its hard when things like this happen.

[OurBlanche]

You see, what you have done is insult your own mother.

You have chosen to appease your MIL, at your Mums expense. Told your mum that MIL is more important, must be taken more care of.

Your mum has told you that, very clearly. She has expressed her hurt, angrily, but if he really did say you are turning into one of them" then she is really^ upset.

Only you know if your own DM is as odd and precious as your MIL, but if this is out of her normal you need to go and give her a hug and tell her that when she said that a lightbulb went on... and you will never do that again.

If this is usual then you and DH need to move... and reduce contact with your mothers!

[kathryng90]

My DM is big on ty cards and come Boxing Day is making lists of people who she expects to receive one from! She has been known to ring to thank sender for sending the ty card. Agree that a quick email would keep all fronts quiet.

[fastdaytears]

Your MIL is insane

TY cards for a wedding invitation?

[GloGirl]

Why can't your Dad send an email

[Butterpuff]

I have a MIL like yours, in fact mine is so barmy about TY cards that she sends them on other people's behalf.

Your Mum is probably right, its not necessary to send one to anyone other than the people the invite came from. But for the same of peace and harmony it might be easier to just send one to your MIL. Do you spend a lot of time with your MIL? Could your Mum be feeling a little insecure?

[SatsukiKusakabe]

I think your mum is right.

[myownprivateidaho]

Did they give a wedding card/gift? If so, they're fine.

[Chippednailvarnishing]

A grown adult telling me to send another grown adult a thank you card.

Errr, I don't think so. My pen, my card, my time, my choice.

[RaptorInaPorkPieHat]

Gosh it sounds like an awful waste of paper.

I thought it was just the B&G who were supposed to send TY cards for the presents, not guests. Who was officially hosting? (I'm guessing the bride's parents or the B&G) Your parents would be sending a card to people who weren't even hosting.

I think your DM's right but she was OTT in her reaction to you.

[RaggyDoll1]

OP's mum is right but does she need to make such a fuss (not speaking for 3 days and not letting dad send an email!!)

she is just making it harder for her daughter who has to keep both families happy and thats just not nice!

[RhiWrites]

Oh dear. You've made the mistake of nagging your mum about something you don't even care about. I think YABU for spreading this thank you card guilt.

[Tiggeryoubastard]

It's the OP and the clearly insane mil that are making a fuss. Why on earth should that ridiculousness be pandered to and encouraged?

[LizardBreath]

I feel for you op. And also have been stuck in a 'thank you for your thank you card' loop with someone who attended our wedding! They also sent us a gift way before the wedding which confused the thank you issue further!

I think your mil is a bit mad to expect one. I can see why your mum doesn't want to though. do you have to send one also?

[Heathen4Hire]

Your mum is right!

[AnnaMarlowe]

My Mum brought us up writing thank you cards and my in laws also very hot on thankyou cards.

Notes of thanks after a wedding are standard (my parents received loads) but are usually sent to the hosts (whoever sent the invitation so usually brides parents or the couple themselves)

So your Mum is right that bride's parents would be normal.

You weren't wrong dropping a hint that your MIL might expect one but you were out of order chasing her for it the second time.

Chasing for thank you notes is a pet hate of mine. I find it so rude.

I always send thank you notes and help the children write them too.

Last year I was chased (via my DH) 4 days after Christmas by my MIL about why a relative hadn't yet received a thank you card. She then chased me twice more over the next two days about it. I was so cross by that point I reacted exactly as your Mum did. I put the (already written, addressed and stamped) card in the bin.

I am not a child. I will produce thank you notes at an appropriate time of my own choosing.

I may have said this to MIL

[meditrina]

Wedding guests send thank you letters to the formal hosts (ie the ones listed on the invitation) afterwards. Totally normal. Just as you would send thanks after any major event.

You don't however need to send one to every person who might have been involved in the production. The formal hosts should pass on the letters and other thanks to those who actually made it happen.

I'd say about half the guests wrote thank you letters to my DMum (the formal host) and they're still there in the memory box.

Email is probably taking over now, but I still send thank yous in the form The AFAIK the recipient likes best.

Clashes of manners between families is often a source of friction in a marriage. Perhaps one way ahead is to just include your parents' thanks in your own letter?

I think your PILs are being rather vulgar in criticising your parents to you. You only get to bring up and make the manners of your own children, and really that should tail off by adulthood (though the habit can die hard). It should never be extended to your DC's partners/spouses (as they arrive as formed adults) but of course that sometimes happens.

[PeggyMitchell123]

I put your mum in the right. To mention it, fine but to then go on about it a couple of days later would grate on me as well to be honest.

[WhatTheActualFugg]

You are all being ridiculous in equal measures.

Your MIL is being ridiculous for expecting thank yous.
You are bring ridiculous for asking your mum to pander to MIL ridiculous ways.
Your mum is being ridiculous for refusing to do something which might make your life easier.
Your father is being ridiculous for not sending an email himself.

It is all utterly, stupendously ridiculous (did I make that clear?)

[coconutpie]

Your ILs are bloody ridiculous! Your mum is in the right and you should apologise to her for trying to force this TY Card shit on her. Guests DO NOT send thank you cards for a wedding invitation!

[LumpySpacedPrincess]

Your mum is right, regardless of whether other people follow these rituals, she doesn't. Your mil has weaponized the thank you card to the point where it's used as a tool to judge other people, that's really unpleasant and you shouldn't pander to it.