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AIBU to ask him to stop being friends with her?

(13 Posts)
BrieAndChilli Mon 22-Aug-16 10:27:19

Today 09:18 BrieAndChilli

I need to try and clear my head as I'm feeling so all over the place at the moment.

The last couple of years I have had a very low libido which I know upset DH. I worked very late evenings and he worked days and some days we were like shops in the night and I was very tired all the time.
About 10 months or so ago we had a heart to heart and DH confessed e had downloaded tindr and been browsing women in the area as he had felt so neglected by me. He was in tears and I believe nothing ever happened. He brought this up I had no reason to be suspicious, he was only ever at work or with us.
We got over that and by some miracle a few months later my libido returned with avengence. Combined with me changing jobs to a day job now that DS2 had started school.
After a few weeks of having sex most days DH started not wanting sex when I iniated it, and when he did agree to sex it would be with a sigh and him saying things like "if you want to I suppose you can have me" oh not again" slowly all affection stopped I think that it could go days without him Iniating any contact with me and if I went to cuddle him he would keep his arms by his side and not respond.
The last couple of months things have improved greatly, sex is great - amazing and little signs of affection have increased.
All good except I was 2 stone over weight and have now lost 1.5 stone but am struggling due to previously having an eating disorder in my teens.
I have very low self esteem at the moment about my weight and looks so have become increasingly paranoid and jealous
DH goes to the gym and In particular a boot camp with a group of people, they have just done tough mudder as a team which is mixed gender which I am fine with EXCEPT his friendship with one of the women (I'm fine with his friendships with other women it's just this particular one I am worked up about)
There are several women in his team, plus he does beavers with 2 women but he never mentions anything about them (I don't even know the names of the other women at boot camp) but he mentions this one woman all the time, he knows all about he marriage/ when she split up with her husband/when they got together/all about the MIL and interfence in their marriage. He is now doing a race similar to tough mudder with her but just the 2 of them (which will probably mean cost runs just the 2 of them)
We have talked about it but he just got really defensive and insisting he isn't having an affair (which I DO believe just I feel the potential for an affair is there)
I really want to ask him not to do anything with her which is just the 2 of them (after this next race as already paid for) as it makes me really uncomfortable even if it's all in my head.
Would it be inreasonable to ask him to do this for my sanity? Or is my low self esteem at the moment clouding this judgment? I feel that as his wife my well being should be more important than his friendship with her but not sure if I'm being to demanding and controlling??

0dfod Mon 22-Aug-16 10:41:51

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

0dfod Mon 22-Aug-16 10:43:24

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Trifleorbust Mon 22-Aug-16 11:59:07

This is a really difficult call when not involved in the situation. It isn't a terrible thing for him to have a female friend, and I would always be scathing if a man tried to stop a woman from being friends with someone just because they were male. That being said, he let you down massively with the dating sites thing and that trust is only just being rebuilt (10 months isn't a long time).

Are there any indications that it isn't just friendship?

People talk about 'emotional affairs' being as damaging to a relationship as a sexual physical one. I don't know if that's what's happening here, or if it has the potential to turn into it but I can tell you're worried. Obviously the line is that a friendship is ok and an emotional affair is not, but how you differentiate between the two, especially in the early stages, I don't think that's so simple to define.

DefinitelyNotAJourno Mon 22-Aug-16 12:52:09

I wonder what would be said of a man asking a woman to reject a good friend?

AnchorDownDeepBreath Mon 22-Aug-16 14:00:12

Why do you think there is potential to be an affair?

Do you have any sound justification that he'd be more likely to start an affair with her, or is it that you're uncomfortable with him spending any time one-on-one with another woman? You say that you're fine with his friendships with other women, it's just this one - but does that just mean you're happy about his other friendships because they are more distant friends, and you're not happy about this one because she's a closer friend?

I'd be very annoyed if DP told me I couldn't be friends with any of my close male friends. Very annoyed. It wouldn't make a difference if he told me I could have other male friends but not these ones, because I like the friends I have. I'm not sure I'd believe him, either, I think I'd believe that anyone male that I became close friends with, he'd develop a dislike for.

On the one hand, it's wrong for you to police his friends, especially if there are no rational reasons that you suspect he may have an affair with her. On the other, if it is logical and possible that he's going to have an emotional affair or otherwise with her, that's not acceptable - and his earlier behaviour on Tindr isn't going to particularly help with building trust, but it sounds like you've both admitted some fault there and you've fixed things?

I think you need to honestly evaluate why you feel jealous and insecure, and the answer will tell you whether it's fair to ask him not to be friends with her anymore.

BrieAndChilli Mon 22-Aug-16 14:58:31

Thanks Anchor, that's the sort of sense I need talking into me!!
I'm not in a good place at the moment emotionally, I'm conflicted with losing weight ( which is great and I DO need to, my BMI is in the over weight section) and being sucked down the dark hole of an eating disorder, my self worth is at an all time low and I needed to know if I was projecting my paranoia and what I feel I deserve onto situations that aren't really an issue.

charlie2405 Mon 22-Aug-16 15:22:44

No YANBU. Personally I am a great believer in gut instinct. If you feel like this woman could be a potential problem and is causing you stress then she already is a problem in your marriage surely? I also thinks that your DH seems to be taking an awful lot of interest in this woman. They say constantly hearing about someone else from partners is an indication of an affair. This was my first warning sign that my DH was having an emotional (and nearly physical) affair as I suddenly heard all about this OW all the time. If your spidey sense is tingling it's probably for a good reason. And I so wouldn't be happy about them racing together alone if it involves staying away from home etc. I would explain how it's making you feel and tell him outright that it's making you uncomfortable. I don't think men understand how much emotional affairs hurt and how quickly they can escalate. Good luck OP x

Lewwat Mon 22-Aug-16 16:59:18

I have a few very close male friends, one which I made this year and we play sports a couple times a week, I probably mention him to DP quite a bit as I tell him about my day. Why shouldn't I? Can we not talk about friends or what we did with friends? Of DP started telling me who I could be friends with then he'd be out the door. Unless you have actual reason to believe that he is having an affair with this woman then I think you should work in your own self esteem. Maybe join the club with him? You say you need to lose weight? Go together, do a tough mudder together!

Would it be different if she wasn't single?

facepalming Mon 22-Aug-16 17:15:54

I'm going to give you the most honest advice I can and put my tin hat on for the judgement I'm about to get...

My relationship with my DH started when I was married to someone else - I'm not proud of that at all but I want you to see my advice comes from experience

My ex had a good instinct about my relationship with no DH, and we were genuinely just friends when he first became anxious.

But here is the deal - if my ex had stopped us seeing each other that wouldn't have saved our marriage. It might have prevented my current one but the last one was doomed because we didn't make an effort with each other or our marriage.

So my point is your putting your efforts to the wrong place. If you truly want to save your relationship then work on that - don't put his back up by asking him to stop seeing her.

Go to counselling, increase date nights and focus on you too. Build a life for yourself and some self esteem - it'll be much easier for your DH to see all that is wonderful about you if you do!

you won't stop him having an affair by interfering in his friendships but if you can get back to a good relationship with him (and if you want too!) then that's what will work.

I hope it works out for you

BrieAndChilli Mon 22-Aug-16 18:50:38

Thanks
We had a bit of a heart to heart today about everything and without me mentioning it he offered to give up the gym and running so he wouldn't see her as his marriage meant more. We still need to work on things a bit but the fact he offered to do that has made me feel much better and means a lot to me. I think I just needed to hear that he values me above everything else.
I'm going to do the tough mudder next year (not because I don't want him to do it without me) but because it looks fun if I can get fit enough and will give me a fitness goal (and I can't build muscle and run 10 miles on 500 calories a day can I?!!)

AnchorDownDeepBreath Tue 23-Aug-16 20:15:20

I just saw your update. I'm really pleased it ended so well, and that you've got the reassurance you needed.

Good luck for the tough mudder! They look fun, in a hard-work type of way.

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