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to want to keep my DC away from DSC for a while?

(10 Posts)
mendimoo Sun 21-Aug-16 23:05:08

I posted before about my DSD but don't know how to link to that thread. It was about how my DP received a text message from his 10 year old DD after 15 months of no contact and the ex threatening to make accusations. A few more messages arrived and DP decided he couldn't just ignore them. He replied and spoke to his ex and has arranged to see DSD (in public to avoid accusations) this week. This is great news and I'm really pleased.

However, he wants me and our DC (7 and almost 2) to go too, if not this time then definitely next time. I know that DSD would be happy to see us all but I feel that a) DSD deserves time with DP to catch up without distraction and (perhaps selfishly) b) that it isn't fair on my DC to see her if contact then discontinues again soon. I'd rather DP rebuild a relationship and then reintroduce the DC. DP thinks the complete opposite - that we come as a package and shouldn't waste any longer all being separated. AIBU to want to wait?

ImperialBlether Sun 21-Aug-16 23:06:47

I think you're both right. He should spend time with him on his own for a while, then everything should be done with both children.

magoria Sun 21-Aug-16 23:08:32

I agree with you.

DSD should get some time alone to reconnect with her dad without being overwhelmed by the whole family.

And no point upsetting your DC until you know his ex isn't going to just cut contact again.

WorraLiberty Sun 21-Aug-16 23:11:13

I agree with A but not so much B.

Your kids will have contact and then no contact with tons of people in their lives. I'd just tell the 7 year old we're going to meed DSD and leave it at that.

If they ask when you're all going to meet again, just say you don't know.

mendimoo Sun 21-Aug-16 23:15:50

My 7 year old is autistic though so doesn't deal with change well. I don't feel it's fair on him to potentially get attached if DSD isn't going to be around regularly. I would prefer if DP rebuilt the relationship first and tried communicating better with his ex so contact doesn't break down again.

VimFuego101 Sun 21-Aug-16 23:16:34

What magoria said. I would see how this meeting goes, then talk to your children about it/ ease them into the idea.

WhatTheActualFugg Sun 21-Aug-16 23:20:24

OP I saw your other thread and am really pleased for you all that your DP replied to his DD.

I think it's probably best to just take it all one step at a time.

DSD may miss seeing you all and being in the home, part of the family etc but It's important she have quality time with her DF to herself.

See how it goes, then worry about what to do next time when next time arrives.

WhatTheActualFugg Sun 21-Aug-16 23:21:22

How was the ex by the way when your DP spoke to her?

NNChangeAgain Sun 21-Aug-16 23:22:14

Hi mendimoo I remember your previous thread, and shared my own, similar experience.

Like you, I wanted DH to rebuild a relationship with his DCs before me and DD got involved again, and I wanted to protect my DD from the risks associated with involvement with DHs DCs. There was the risk of my DD "losing" her step sibs from their life again - and repeatedly losing contact with someone who has lived as a member of the family is traumatic - something that the law can protect DCs from.

But also there was the risk of getting caught up in future disputes between DH and his ex - false allegations can be made against DCs as well as adults, and I was concerned that DHs ex may drag DD into her drama deliberately rather than inadvertently as she had done in the past.

My DD is now late teens and we have discussed that period in her life at length - she says she appreciates the way she was "kept away" from most of the drama, while at the same time, being kept informed as to what was going on. I suggest you explain to your 7 year old in an age appropriate way that your DH is occasionally seeing their half sib, but don't over labour it, or make any promises about all being one family again.

HeddaGarbled Sun 21-Aug-16 23:25:15

I think your H is worried about the threat of accusations and wants you there as moral support/witness.

Also, they haven't seen each other for 15 months. That's got to be nerve-wracking for him. He'll be worrying about what to say, what to do, how to be.

But he has to do it on his own. He's her father. He needs to man up, be brave and stop hiding behind you and expecting you to deal with all the difficult things for him.

So, my advice is don't go but be very very supportive and understanding.

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