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Am I being a diva?

(102 Posts)
Cornwallbird79 Sun 21-Aug-16 20:11:23

I guess I've come to a huge fork in the road and I know what good advice I find on here so I am trusting you all with it.
There is a huge history but the gist is that my partner of 16 years re trained (putting huge strain on the family) wth the intention/ promise that once done he would work his butt off to clear the debts. His parents have paid a huge chunk and my parents did too ( which I am not comfortable with but I am v v lucky and eternally grateful) Over the past few years debt has built back up again whih I am very ashamed of. Missed credit card payments/ interest then short falls after usual things like car goes wrong etc. With two young children and no family help, I've worked as much as physically possible. I'm not proud and hve picked up cleaning, care work etc etc.but we live hand to mouth- literally.
I've managed to get the debt under control through a debt charity but even they ask why my husband and I can't work more. And I can see why they asked me.
I had four part time jobs but I started to get quite ill wih my mental health again so had to cut down to just one part time job and cleaning on a Saturday. Both are minimum wage £7.20 an hr but are fulfilling (I work for a charity) but I struggle to bring home more than 400 a month. Twice last week I took the kdjs with me to work which of course would not be possible in most jobs! I can't afford childcare and we only quailify for 10 a week from tax credits. My husbands wage is really quite ok ( hence we don't qualify for the credits) but with the debt coming off each month -it ends up being less than my friends take home and she lives in a council rented place, with tax creds etc. they do things weekly that I could only dream
Of but we scrape the barrel by mid month, get bank charges for going over drawn etc. we have even used the food bank.

There is no way out without one of us working more. My husband simply won't. I can't believe it-I'm
Ashamed of him sad He works for the NHS full time but cannot cope with any overtime apparently. If feel like he made SUCH a huge deal during his training. I'd often sit in Asda cafe on my own or be walking in the rain wih the kids so that we were out the way while he studied, I had bad post Natal and just got no support from him. I gave up all of my time to basically be a single parent and for absolutely nothing. We go round and round and Round every month and nothing changes.

In sep I will be working every day in school hours (so won't have to worry abot the kids so muchsmile but I will make 9500 for the year. It's an embarrassingly low wage but it's in a school and I really need to take it as it means I can provide for the kids and maybe actually buy them some new clothes (not charity shop or hand me downs) and start chipping away at the debts.

Yesterday I came accross a little house that I could afford on my own wih the children. In fact the kids and I would be around 200 a month better off. I know it's mercenary but sometimes as things are- I can't even put together a packed lunch for the kids at school. And it's because I can't make any more money and ds seems unwilling to. I have lost respect for him een though he can be a very sweet, loving man.
Anyway...
The little house is right by both the kids school and where I will work... So I won't need to use the car as much. It's perfect. For my sanity and for the kids I don't see an alternative but to completely separate and move out of our (rented) house. The kids are always asking me why I look sad / tired/ fed up and it's of course impacting on them. They are central to my world and I don't want todo anything to hurt them so this isn't knee jerk.
I am so angry with my husband for not providing . I just find him a bit lazy and so laxadasical about everything. E had almost three weeks off recently and cld have picked up well paid agency shifts but woukdntZ I resent him and just feel in such a pickle. Nothing has changed in five years. I am stressed every day and have awful nightmares where I'm in a car at high speed, can't see properly & car find the brakes.
I have tried talking to him and can't seem to get an answer abot why he won't work more and why he has put us through so much ( too muh selfish behaviour to detail here) but he says he loves me etx etx but his actions a lot of the time seem contrary to this.
Am I expecting too much or beig a diva? sad

pepperpot99 Sun 21-Aug-16 20:14:50

No you aren't. He sounds paralysed by inertia. Good luck with this very tough decision.

MumOnTheRunCatchingUp Sun 21-Aug-16 20:19:21

Tough one really

Do you have the rent deposit and advance rent to put down on the house?

MissMogwi Sun 21-Aug-16 20:19:58

No I don't think you're being a diva, it sounds awful.

I know you've probably done this but what about sitting down with him and laying out the facts and what you both need to do to make ends meet?

He may well work full time but if you have the children and work part time too, what can you do.

I can well understand why you'd want out.

MrsJayy Sun 21-Aug-16 20:20:55

You are not expecting too much and certainly not being a diva you deserve to be happy your husband seems to be in a bubble while you are miserable is he contributing in anyway to family life to make it less stressful? If you think you would be happier then leave him you and your children deserve better.

AyeAmarok Sun 21-Aug-16 20:23:11

You're not being unreasonable, or a diva.

Basically he wants to do the bare minimum while everyone else (you, his par, your parents) puts themselves out to pander to him?

If he's NHS (nurse?) then does he do eg 3 long days of 12-13 hour shifts?

Wishfulmakeupping Sun 21-Aug-16 20:25:37

I think you'd be better off without him. You've obviously thought about this in detail looking into other options, costing it all out. You have lost respect for him -and this situation is making you so stressed that your children are noticing.
Good luck op

Crisscrosscranky Sun 21-Aug-16 20:27:45

Eh, did I misread? You work part time and earn less than £400 a month and despite him earning a full time wage it's HIS fault you're in debt.

I've just had 2 weeks annual leave- the purpose of annual leave is to rest not to work overtime shifts- especially if he works in a job where he can't afford to be tired and make mistakes.

I don't see how you and 2 kids could survive on £9500 without benefits so what you're really asking is should I dump my husband because I'd be better off on benefits? I think YABU.

Shizzlestix Sun 21-Aug-16 20:30:29

Hmm. If you'd posted on here saying your DH wanted you to do overtime as well as working full time, I think there would be different answers. Is he doing the 'bare minimum'? If he's a nurse, the shifts are a killer and people don't get off on time regularly. Not sure how he's being pandered to.

No way could I ask my DH to do more hours.

wizzywig Sun 21-Aug-16 20:30:43

I dont understand. Is he still studying or has he now finished but not working longer hours because he doesnt want to?

Witchend Sun 21-Aug-16 20:39:01

What do you mean by working full time? If he's home by 5pm each night then a couple of hours of overtime twice a week would make quite a difference and wouldn't be dreadful to expect him to do. If he's working though till 7/8pm then he probably doesn't have a lot more to give.

And why won't he take more. Is it that there isn't actually overtime for the taking. Or does he find that he struggles with his mental health too? He may too be very stressed, even if he doesn't show it.

Then I'm not sure how you're going to afford a house on £9500 with £200 better off a month. I've had a couple of friends who've thought they would be better off monetary wise after splitting and they'd hugely overestimated what they would get in both benefits etc. Also a number of landlords wouldn't touch them because they were then on housing benefit. You've also got to realise your debts will follow you and you may struggle on credit rating.

We have only your side of the story here, so it's impossible to tell whether your dh is being totally useless and refusing to pull his weight or whether you're expecting him to provide more than he's capable to make up for the fact that you can't.

MumOnTheRunCatchingUp Sun 21-Aug-16 20:42:57

If he worked overtime who would have the kids whilst you worked?

And no.... No... You were not a 'single parent ' whilst he studied, AT ALL

Advicepls7080 Sun 21-Aug-16 20:47:25

Is your husband some form of nurse or doctor (foundation/junior?)

Sorry if this comes across as mean but you wasn't a single parent at all it's pretty insulting to actual single parents to say that

Drowzeee Sun 21-Aug-16 20:49:39

How did the debt build back up again? Over spending on stuff you don't need or on day to day living?

I also think you are being a little unfair expecting your husband to be the one to work more - he works full time already and whilst you don;t say what he does in the NHS, it could be uite stressful. Annual leave is for you to recharge your batteries, not so you can go and get 2/3 weeks work somewhere else.

BodsAuntieFlo Sun 21-Aug-16 20:55:28

I am so angry with my husband for not providing He IS providing though, he works full time for goodness sake. How is he not providing by working full time? You're also expecting him to do agency shifts on his holidays? YABU.

Cornwallbird79 Sun 21-Aug-16 21:06:43

Thanks for the replies. I really appreciate all the honesty.
I worked while he studied and worked full time missing out on my child like a lot of working mums.
He works 3 x 12 hour shifts a week.
He makes double What I do oer hour whixh of course is right as he is trained and I am not.
I think what has got me so upset is that all the way through teainig even I was worried abot debt and how to pay It off that he wld just say it'll be fine as I'll be able to do over time when he is qualified. He has done one extra shift in three years. That's not ok I don't think. Who is goig to sort the debt out?
I have picked up any and every job going since he started his training. Work I often don't like, it makes me feel Ill, tired and has no career but you know what? I have to flipping get on with it.the kids deserve a happy home life. I don't mind being poor ( we Havn't holidayed in 8 yrs, have old car, second hand clothes, mend stuff and all our furniture has been skip dived, made out of pallets or remade.... I'm quite thrifty smile
Of course I don't expect the poor man to work through his annual leave. He booked 10 days off but with the shift pattern he ended up wih almost 3 weeks off. He could he picked up one weekend extra and made more than I do a month.

So is the general consensus just suck it up and be in the same position in my 60's? It fills me with anxiety.
I hve no savings to help the kids through college, no buffer at all, I've gt two lovely lovely children that I just feel I let down all of the time. We were even the only ones who couldn't afford school camp. How do you all get by and stay sane? I have utmost respect for all of you x

And yes I was entirely left to it while he trained. We sepertwd and lived apart. I was a single parent x

Cornwallbird79 Sun 21-Aug-16 21:11:18

And yes 'mum onthe runcatchingup'
I was a single mum. We split up and I moved out.
The debt has built up from Tryingto pay the current debt by using credit cards, missing payments and it was never cleared from college.
It built up during college because he couldn't / didn't work and we had a high mortgage that I coukdbt cover on my wage. We don't over spend on things we don't need. We can't! C

mrsmuddlepies Sun 21-Aug-16 21:15:31

Why does the husband have to be the one to work overtime when he works in a stressful NHS job? Can't you put in a bit more effort to finding a better paid job? If you worked when he was at home if he is doing shift work for example.
I have already started a thread today about recent research showing how stressful it is for men to be the main bread winner.
www.telegraph.co.uk/science/2016/08/19/being-sole-breadwinner-is-bad-for-mens-health-but-good-for-women/
I don't think you are setting a good example to your kids about equality.

Advicepls7080 Sun 21-Aug-16 21:22:34

Why are you still not saying what NHS job he had it's hard for us to know whether he isn't pulling his weight when you're not saying what he does

Creatureofthenight Sun 21-Aug-16 21:23:39

Is there not room for DH in this little house? have you talked about downsizing to help with debt?

Amelie10 Sun 21-Aug-16 21:23:56

It sounds like a very unhappy situation, but why can't you work full time? Why does he need to pick up he extra shifts and you work part time? Have you actually told him that you are so unhappy with this setup?

10storeylovesong Sun 21-Aug-16 21:32:19

my dh works full time in the NHS. It's not a particularly well paid job but he works hard. I would never "expect" him to pick up overtime shifts in his own time. Why should he miss out on seeing our ds as well? I work full time to pick up the slack otherwise we would also be in debt.

anyname123 Sun 21-Aug-16 21:33:37

OP I'm with you. If he does 3 x 12 hour shifts a week, yes, they are crippling, but if he did a Sunday morning with the agency (assuming he's a nurse) he could bring home an extra £200, which would make a huge difference. Doing this once a month is not a great hardship if you are doing ALL of the housework etc etc. Whilst I believe both parents should work it's surely more sensible for the parent with the higher earning power to use his / her skills effectively to bring in extra money, rather than the other working 30+ hours in a MW job to bring home the same.

Gazelda Sun 21-Aug-16 21:35:08

So is your debt currently under control, with the help of the debt support? Are you both on board with sticking to budget?
If you move out, how will you continue use to tackle the debt, as you will have two household costs?

MumOnTheRunCatchingUp Sun 21-Aug-16 21:50:25

So if you were a single parent and lived separately, then why were you sat in cafes and walking the streets with your kids in the rain? Why not be in your ( seperate) home?

Your op mentioned lots, but nothing about moving out..... Where did you go? Of course 2 households would run up more debt

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