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to think this wasn't the midwife's business?

(226 Posts)
LRDtheFeministDragon Sun 21-Aug-16 17:38:21

DP is pregnant and she had the first midwife appointment last week. The midwife was basically very nice, so I do know this is a really small niggle in the scheme of things, but I wondered what people here would think. We were answering all the medical questions, and suddenly the midwife looked at me, looked at DP, smiled, and said 'so, why was it you [her] and not you [me] who got pregnant, then?'

Now, she had our medical records in front of her - I know, because she had asked both of us medical questions and then consulted her screen. My medical records clearly show my history, and I've miscarried multiple times.

I figured from her smile that she was just making small talk, but I let DP answer and she deflected the question.

The thing is, at the moment, everyone constantly asks us why DP is pregnant, not me. And every single person seems to think it's a perfectly acceptable question to ask, including people who I know perfectly well are clued up about miscarriage.

I hate talking about it. I have never wanted to discuss it with anyone, and I am a person who is generally quite ok with the idea of talking through issues.

Is it me, or should she not have asked this?

I am sure she asked purely as small talk, but I was wondering if it'd be OTT for me to find some way of offering feedback and explaining that this question might be hurtful to some women and may not be the unoffensive small talk she thinks it is?

ReggaeShark Sun 21-Aug-16 17:40:57

I think it was none of her business and totally inappropriate and unprofessional of her to have asked. Sorry you have other people in your life who also feel it's OK to ask you this.

NeedsAsockamnesty Sun 21-Aug-16 17:41:17

Is it possible she asked for supportive reasons? You were there you heard the tone and what not

WrinklyBathToes Sun 21-Aug-16 17:41:23

Smile sweetly and ask them why they think it's their place to ask.

Sparklesilverglitter Sun 21-Aug-16 17:44:15

It wouldn't be said to a male/female couple so I don't see why she'd say it to a female/female couple so I don't think she should of asked. I also think other people are bloody rude to ask why your dp is pregnant and not you.

I've just had my first baby and I found when expecting people can be rude like they have no filter.

Congratulations by the way

Trinpy Sun 21-Aug-16 17:48:01

Not what you asked but I don't see why she would have access to your medical records?

But yanbu. It's none of her business.

Eatthecake Sun 21-Aug-16 17:49:09

I don't think she should of said it, why did she think it was ok to say it when she wouldn't say it to a male/female expecting couple.

Other people that ask you are blooming rude too, it's nobody else's business why.

Some midwives can be rude, don't get me wrong I saw some nice midwives with my 4 DC but I saw some rude ones as well

ImperialBlether Sun 21-Aug-16 17:50:05

It wouldn't be said to a male/female couple

Well of course it wouldn't!

WoburnSands Sun 21-Aug-16 17:50:23

YANBU. I hate this kind of intrusiveness .

I had the nurse at the doctors surgery ask me why I wasn't using contraception! hmm

WoburnSands Sun 21-Aug-16 17:53:11

Congratulations btw!

SenoritaViva Sun 21-Aug-16 17:53:50

It wouldn't cross my mind to ask that question. Very intrusive, even without the miscarriages it is a decision that has to be made for one of you to be the carrier not both. Here are some congratulatory flowers for your future parenthood flowers

UnderTheGreenwoodTree Sun 21-Aug-16 17:55:38

No, she probably shouldn't have asked that, not really appropriate. But - I expect she was just making small talk, probably didn't mean anything by it. I had midwives asking the most inappropriate questions of me when I was pregnant though - it feels like you become some sort of public property and anyone can ask the most impertinent questions.

A midwife asked me repeatedly if my third baby was my DH's - something complicated due to me showing pre-eclampsia symptoms, and not having had them on my first two pregnancies - apparently it's unheard of confused

I realise why she asked, and that it is a thing people do and keep secret - but she went on and on until I said 'I know why you're asking, but I promise you, this baby and the two previous babies are absolutely definitely my DH's.'

Sorry about your miscarriages, and congratulations thanks

harderandharder2breathe Sun 21-Aug-16 17:57:36

Yanbu, and she shouldn't have your medical records

I would expect the non-pregnant partner to have all sorts of emotions about that regardless of history of miscarriage, so would never ask the question

It's a shame you weren't able to say "I'm sorry I don't think that an appropriate question" because she probably was just making small talk but should be more sensitive

Congratulations btw!

TestingTestingWonTooFree Sun 21-Aug-16 18:01:45

Is the baby biologically yours? If not, why should she see your records. I agree its and intrusive question. I would politely offer feedback.

Simpsonsaddict Sun 21-Aug-16 18:01:50

Sorry to hear about your miscarriages - and congratulations on your news!

YANBU, it was rude of her to ask, she shouldn't be asking a male partner. But..... from my and my husband's experience, people lose all tact/diplomacy/boundaries as soon as you're pregnant, we've been asked all sorts of personal questions! So it's not just you, I know that probably won't make you feel any better though! I got asked probably 30 times how long we were trying for, whether she was planned.

Enkopkaffetak Sun 21-Aug-16 18:02:11

I think pregnancy is a time for people to just say stupid things. I don't think it matters if you are same sex or not same sex couples for this.

Sadly I suspect you will be asked this again OP I would just go with a smile and say " we felt it was best" and leave it at that.

When I was expecting no 2 everyone thought we wanted a boy when no 3 was a boy we were congratulated on " getting our boy" when announcing no 4 we were told " another one why?" with no 1 I was told "about time" (2 miscarriages before dd1 so really didnt appreciate it) Now when I say I have 4 I get told " funny stuff " like " dont you have a tv?" again none of your business.

I think people just get "foot in mouth" syndrome when it comes to pregnancy and kids.

MrsMushrooms Sun 21-Aug-16 18:04:36

Very inappropriate! I'm shocked to read you saying how many people think that's an OK question to ask :O

Libitina Sun 21-Aug-16 18:06:14

Why does the midwife need to access your medical records?

hmm confused

Trills Sun 21-Aug-16 18:06:21

Is this one of the cases where people think they are making polite chitchat, but a few seconds of sensible thinking makes it clear that it's actually very intrusive?

In the same vein as was it planned? being actually please tell me about your sex life and contraceptive habits

Lemonlady22 Sun 21-Aug-16 18:07:12

she may have had your notes in front of her, that doesnt mean she has read them....in fact sh prob only picked them up 5 mins before your appt....we dont have time to read every persons notes from front to back...if we did e would have no time to see you!....she was making small talk to get as much info as poss without the need to stop in front of you to read the notes, shes not being personal, unprofessional or rude, shes trying to build a picture from first hand information not from what someone else has written

Welshrainbow Sun 21-Aug-16 18:08:19

It is small talk and find it a little bit rude but probably wouldn't complain about it. We had exactly the same questions from our midwife and consultant and HV after DS was born. We were in exactly the same position as you too, after several miscarriages. I hate to tell you but it doesn't change much people now have the question "so will you be carrying th next one then?"

Trills Sun 21-Aug-16 18:08:52

Also - congratulations!

Have you figured out your comedy answers yet?

We flipped a coin and she lost

Are you kidding me, I don't want to squeeze that thing out of my vagina

Her work gives better maternity pay


Libitina Sun 21-Aug-16 18:11:12

she may have had your notes in front of her, that doesnt mean she has read them.

Why does she need the OPs medical notes though when she is not pregnant but her partner is?

peneleope82 Sun 21-Aug-16 18:11:57

Firstly congratulations! And am so sorry for your loss.

I have had several losses, including one late in pregnancy and I was asked repeatedly in both my 'successful' pregnancies if it was my first pregnancy. Is infuriating and hurtful that often the HCP doesn't read notes properly but it's not personal.

And I think sometimes, especially in a situation that they haven't come across before, people make awkward/clumsy conversation (I was asked by a midwife during my last pregnant if we had buried or cremated our first baby confused). That doesn't make it ok but it happens.

So you're not being unreasonable but I wouldn't talk it personally.

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut Sun 21-Aug-16 18:13:23

She was a twat and I'm sorry she upset you. I doubt she had access to your records though. Unless there's a genetic link between you and the baby I can't see why she would.

But what I really wanted to say was CONGRATULATIONS!!!!! 🎉🎉🎉 and it's nice to see you back on the boards and with such happy news.

Next time someone asks just tell them at length about the squillions you spent on your designer vagina. That'll put them off wink

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