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To ask how generous your OH's are and to wonder whether my DP is tight?!

(328 Posts)
Frustrated01 Sat 20-Aug-16 18:30:09

I'm aware this post will make me seem mercenery; but it's really not about money, more about attitude and thoughtfulness.

Together 4 years, live together in his house. He is a 'high earner' (earns 3 x my salary) He pays the mortgage (as its his house) and a couple of bills, I pay the rest of the bills, buy all the food and do all of the cooking and cleaning.

We take it in turns to pay when we go out, but it is mostly me as I always feel guilty that his outgoings for the house are probably more than mine.

Over the past couple of weeks, it has been an unfortunate coincidence that a lot of my friends have had big birthdays and nearly all of their partners have taken them away or for a weekend break or, TBH just been NICE and treated them.

All the girls at work seem to have lovely DPs who take them out to dinner on a Friday night or occasionally just do something nice for them, just because? I saw one of my friends the other night and she said that she is going to New York in November, for her 30th, as a present from her DP as he knows she's always wanted to go. I honestly just sat there thinking how lovely that was and how pigs would literally fly before my boyfriend ever did anything like that for me.

In the four years we have been going out, he has never once taken me for a night away, a weekend away or a holiday (and YES I have done all of these things for him before anyone says anything) If we go out for dinner or to the cinema or anything it's nearly always me that suggests it and then again everything is mostly split exactly 50/50 hmm

Every year for my birthday or Christmas he just says 'What do you want for your birthday/ Christmas?' I always feel bad saying anything really in case he thinks it's too expensive so normally just say 'A bottle of perfume' and there it is, wrapped up, a bottle of perfume. Don't get me wrong, it's what I asked for, but where is the thought?! Where is the romance?! And God forbid he should spend more than £50 on me.

Last year he wanted to go on a scuba diving holiday (we're both quite keen divers) I had just bought a new car and honestly just didn't have the he went on his own. My friends and my mum blew up and said it was awful that he would rather have gone away on his own...than pay to bring his girlfriend of 4 years with him. I was upset that he went but at the end of the day, I didn't have the money so fine.

I got in the other night and told him about my friends surprise 30th New York trip, I gently 'joked' that he would never do anything like that for me and he said 'Well no, I haven't paid my mortgage off yet. Until I pay my mortgage off, extravagant gifts like that just wouldn't ever happen'

He is 30 and puts nearly £1500 per month into a savings account, he over pays on his mortgage by a vast amount each month and then the rest is his 'spending money'

I get that his approach is sensible, but for gods sake I'm not asking him to be 'extravagent' every month, I'm just saying that actually, once every couple of years it would be nice to be taken away for the weekend or for a night in a nice hotel. Just like I do for him on his birthday etc.

I know I sound unreasonable and princessey in this post. I promise I'm not, I'm just fed up of there not being any joy in life, of him going on about money all the time and banging on constantly about paying off his mortgage.

In every other way our relationship is great, he is an incredibly loving and supporting boyfriend and we are best friends. But there is just no surprise or romance- ever.

2 people in the last 2 days have asked me whether I'm sure I want to spend the rest of my life with this man, because they think although he is lovely that he is tight and mercenary.

I'm sitting here feeling really down and wondering whether he is totally right for me. But I really am not lying when I say that he is incredibly supporting and loving In other ways.

He priorities me over every one else in his life, he does anything and everything he can for me. He supports me in my hobby, comes to cheer on the side line in every single competition I've done, he fixes my car, massages my feet after a long day at work, listens to me for hours on end if I have a problem, he was my absolute rock last year when my dad was ill. He walks my dog, cooks dinner if I am on a late etc, listens endlessly to my girlfriends man problems when they come over and buys us all wine and chocolate for our girly nights, brings them tea and toast in the morning etc. Literally everything practical and emotional he is fine and a godsend, but he just doesn't make me feel 'special' in anyway. He is just one of those 'nice guys' that would literally do anything to help anyone, everyone says it and he is always going out of his way to help people efc which is one of the reasons why I love him.

I don't know. I guess that is the problem, the fact that I just don't feel that special to him, that everything he does for me I know he's probably done for his previous girlfriends and the fact that he went on holiday on his own, rather than pay to take me with him and won't ever spend any more than £50 on a present for me or reluctantly pays for meals out etc is just making it all feel a bit 'blah' and being surrounded by friends and colleagues who all seem to be wined and dined is making me feel even more meh.

SO, is he normal and my expectations are just too high? Or is he a bit tight?

Are your DPs generous?

Geepee71 Sat 20-Aug-16 18:36:52

Mine isn't overly generous, but will pay for occasional meals out, I have to be specific about birthday presents and the like.
It's not helped that I love buying things for him/us so will get Groupon deals for meals out, afternoon tea, experiences etc and he just doesn't think about such things. But he loves me and is there for me.
He did say today that I do more for him than he does for me, but we are happy and muddle along nicely.

HereIAm20 Sat 20-Aug-16 18:40:02

He is being tight in my opinion. If he is able to save £1500 a month and overpay his mortgage it wouldn't hurt to spend a bit more sometimes. Next time he asks what you want don't just say a £50 bottle of perfume ask for something more extravagant and see whst happens. How about suggesting when you are out that as his earnings are 3:1 ration to yours he pays 3/4 of the bill because then the expense is relative to what you earn. Personally I'd probably have ltb over the diving holiday!

Bluechip Sat 20-Aug-16 18:42:04

I don't think you're unreasonable and princessy at all. But he does sound like a loving and caring partner in everything but this. I would suggest saying 'can you surprise me, or giving a choice of vagueish options for Christmas/birthday. The only thing that really stood out for me as being a bit odd is the scuba diving holiday. did you talk to him about this and explain how you feel. What did he say?

Bluechip Sat 20-Aug-16 18:42:54

And yes, if he puts aside £1500 a month I would expect him to treat his partner.

AppleJac Sat 20-Aug-16 18:43:38

He does sound abit tight but some people just never think about whisking someone away as a surprise etc. My husband would never think to do this.

He has never spontaneously bought me a gift etc. I always choose what i want for birthdays etc.

He isnt tight with money though and when i ask for something i always get it

Revenant Sat 20-Aug-16 18:46:07

Well, we consider all income as joint money so the question of generosity doesnt really arise, as we discuss what we can and can't afford jointly. I know it's your DPs money, but it would upset me if I was expendable to holiday enjoyment. Have you told him how you feel?

Minniemagoo Sat 20-Aug-16 18:46:07

He has different priorities to you. To me he is tight and selfish. To someone else he may be sensible and cautious.
I'd hate to be with someone like this and no way would I spend my life, have children with this man but ultimately your choice.

allthecarbs Sat 20-Aug-16 18:47:24

He is a bit tight but being sensible about money is a good quality.

I've been a sahm for 6 years so dh pays for everything. We don't go out much as not many sitters around for the kids but he has no problem treating me.

ivykaty44 Sat 20-Aug-16 18:50:10

He is making money from you plain and simple - rather ugly.

If you were to live in a flat share it would be a darn sight cheaper and you could take yourself away on holiday.

Why not move out and see if the relationship survives?

hazelnutlatte Sat 20-Aug-16 18:50:12

I think never whisking you away for a surprise weekend etc isn't too bad, my dh is the same, he just wouldn't think to do that and would consider it a waste of money. However, going on holiday without you because you couldn't afford it is really mean, and shows that he is willing to splash out on himself but not you.

BodsAuntieFlo Sat 20-Aug-16 18:50:26

He sounds tight to me tbh. If 2 people in RL have asked if you want to spend the rest of your life with him it sounds as if others are noticing his tightness too. Going on holiday without you sounds very selfish to me (especially as he knew you'd have loved it). While I understand he wants his mortgage paid off as soon as he can, he's saving £1500 a month and could easily have taken you on holiday. This itself makes me think he's tight.

wobblywonderwoman Sat 20-Aug-16 18:50:44

Mine is very tight. I didn't realise until after we were married (when he started talking s out retraining - he moved in with me and I was paying the mortgage with no contribution) that I asked how was he going to fund himself.

It was very nearly a dealbreaker. I flipped. No way was I allowing it. He has since used the money and we have upgraded our house and finally have a garden.

If I wasn't married I would have gone. He never buys anything - clothes or experiences. I have thrown out his old stuff and pilled him up on it.

But like yours- he is loyal. There for me. Brilliant father.

ukgift2016 Sat 20-Aug-16 18:51:31

All I can think it must be a bit shit to not be able go out with your partner for a meal etc or holiday because he is so tight with money.

Bit worrying because if you had children with this man, what would he be like then if you weren't working? something to think about.

wobblywonderwoman Sat 20-Aug-16 18:52:07

It was 60, 000 [shocked]

BabyGanoush Sat 20-Aug-16 18:55:32

Can you see yourself taking this relationship to the next step?( buying a house together? Kids? Marriage?)

Can he...?

Sounds as if he doesn't, for whatever reason.

Natsku Sat 20-Aug-16 18:56:24

He does sound quite tight OP although being careful with money is a good thing.

My OH is very generous, pays the rent and my phone bill, I pay the other bills and food but if I'm out of money he'll pay bills and food. He pays for all meals out and holidays etc. But he is terrible at saving money and spends rather recklessly so big downside there.

MatildaTheCat Sat 20-Aug-16 18:58:17

I got to the bit where you do all the cooking and cleaning...^why, for god's sake are you the household skivvy?^

He sounds very tight indeed. He will be like it all his life and die the richest man in the churyard. You need to decide if that's the life you want, too.

Sorry, it's not an easy one. Have you actually had this discussion?

ImperialBlether Sat 20-Aug-16 18:59:25

Hang on, you're living in his house, so if you split up, you'll have nothing. You pay all the bills. You pay when you go out together at night? He's got it all set up for himself, hasn't he? It's much cheaper for him having you live there No wonder he can save so much.

I think you should be looking at getting your own place, OP, whether you buy or rent, rather than paying this guy's bills. You will end up with nothing one day and he'll have everything. It's very unequal.

Missgraeme Sat 20-Aug-16 18:59:48

He sounds like a flat mate.
I would be advertising for a new one.

ImperialBlether Sat 20-Aug-16 18:59:59

And you do all the cleaning? Why you? Because you earn less?

SparklyStarShit Sat 20-Aug-16 19:00:29

It bothers you so it's a problem. Don't ignore it.

My dh is much like yours and after 16 years it's fucked me off. We're in the process of a split - for other reasons. Now it's becoming tricky and I'm going to have to find my kahunas before I'm left much poorer. I don't know but I suspect he wants way more than half as he thinks it's his.

You also mention you do all the house work? What is the bill split? Do you even know this? He accepts your gifts of trips away? He went on holiday without you? hmm.

It will niggle away at you. Do something.

hawaiibaby Sat 20-Aug-16 19:01:48

He's tight for sure. You have to decide if this is a deal breaker. One thing stood out was you saying you feel there is no joy in life with him and he's always banging on about money, that's very sad and I too would feel upset about such an attitude.

Being sensible with money Is fine, but not to the extent of not doing anything fun with it! What about when you have kids and he still doesn't want to spend or do days out, it's a pretty miserable attitude.

My dh earned about 2.5 what I did when we met / were going out and he saved well etc but often treated me, had breaks away and stuff and he wouldn't hesitate to pay for things. I chipped in too of course and treated him but the fact was, he wanted to enjoy things with me and wanted to do nice things for me with his extra income.

It would be different if you'd been together months, but I don't understand him begrudging sharing with you after four years sad

Has he had a bad experience with an ex taking him for a ride? I would sit down and talk straight with him, tell him how it makes you feel, or show him this thread! You don't sound princessy at all and once you've talked you will see if he is willing to make changes or if he cares more about the mortgage than you.

Good luck flowers

43percentburnt Sat 20-Aug-16 19:02:12

Hmm, there is a very good chance your household outgoings are more than his.

Say the mortgage is £800 per month - this is a fixed outgoing. Say he pays sky and the TV licence too £70 extra - fixed.

You pay for food - variable and easy to spend £400/500 if you include top ups, quick nips to the shop etc. plus other bill - gas, electric, council tax, water etc.

If you rented a room (you are effectively sharing a room and have no entitlement to equity - bet he has set it up that way), it could be £80-100 per week including bills plus food for just you.

So you are subsidising him! That sucks far more than him treating you! He is saving and increasing his capital whilst you pay the crappy bills. When he clears his mortgage he will be bill free!

It's insane how women get lumbered with food shopping - variable cost, always increases (mortgage tends to be a lower % of salary as we age - unless you move).

MooPointCowsOpinion Sat 20-Aug-16 19:02:20

It's weird how he brought up paying off his mortgage like that. It's clearly his main goal. I wonder if you were to suggest having joint finances, and getting a legal share in the house considering you're contributing, if he would be as shocked and angry and I think he would.

I think he's using you a little bit, you pay towards bills, and he fills his savings account and goes away without you.

Joint finances aren't for everyone, but what exactly does he do to show you he wants a future with you, he loves you, and he values you as a person?

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