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Is my lovely husband financially abusive or am I spoilt?

(632 Posts)

MNHQ have commented on this thread.

vinocola Sat 20-Aug-16 18:28:47

Back story is that we've together a long time (14 years), from a young age. When we first met I was main wage earner, then when he finished his degree he was. For most of our relationship (three kids) we managed on his wage fairly well but not without building some debts up. I always managed the finances and bills etc. I've always done 'something' alongside kids to bring money in, childminding, cleaning etc

Fast forward to now, he is now in a very well paid job, no money worries and plenty to pay our bills. When he got the new job he fairly swiftly had me removed from the joint account where his wage gets paid in to - his justification of this was that I hadn't managed our money well in the past and now he was taking over.
This upset me as with a limited amount of money coming in NOBODY could have managed to not fall short sometimes. The position he is in now, running the accounts is that there is plenty money to go round therefore much easier task than robbing peter to pay paul.

He pays all bills and transfers £300 a month to my account. If I need anything on top of this I ask him and usually he will then transfer extra but it hasn't taken away the financial independence I used to have.

On one hand I feel very lucky as we now have enough money coming in to not worry about unexpected bills but I also feel irked that I 'cant be trusted to have full access'

Financial decisions are now his - ie holidays, home improvements, cars, meals out etc.

He is sometimes very generous, rarely spends money on himself but its very much up to him if we spend money. For example he recently bought our son a pair of £200 rugby boots. I wouldn't be able to make that decision as I don't have the money, sometimes I would suggest a purchase and he would lecture about not wasting money but will then make purchases like the rugby boots without hesitation.

I need my hair done and have been considering buying a box dye rather than ask him for extra but it just seems ludicrous that I can seemingly afford to have my hair done but as it stands I have £30 in my account until he next comes home. (he works away)

Am I being unreasonable?

vinocola Sat 20-Aug-16 18:29:46

*has taken away

ImperialBlether Sat 20-Aug-16 18:31:14

That is horribly abusive. I would leave someone for that. I wouldn't think it was worth arguing about, tbh - it shows a really nasty streak and even if I had my name on the accounts afterwards I wouldn't be able to forgive it.

Dozer Sat 20-Aug-16 18:31:17

Financially abusive.

EarthboundMisfit Sat 20-Aug-16 18:31:41

Yes, I think he is being controlling and disrespectful, which must be galling given the history.

You need to get to the bottom of why.

ImperialBlether Sat 20-Aug-16 18:31:54

So he's left you and the children behind with only £30? That's appalling.

Dozer Sat 20-Aug-16 18:32:09

Why did you put up with it when he disparaged your money management and did that with the accounts?

Aeroflotgirl Sat 20-Aug-16 18:32:37

He does sound controlling, my dh is like that, but we don't have a lot of money to go around, and I have had a spending addiction in the past, still overcoming it, so dh is very weary. I have a certain amount of money transferred a month, and I get CB and DLA for dd into my account. I put some DLA into a savings account for dd.

FasterThanASnakeAndAMongoose Sat 20-Aug-16 18:32:46

WTAF? No, YANBU at all.

He is being abusive. You should be an equal partner. Don't put up with this.

cansu Sat 20-Aug-16 18:32:55

He is taking the piss. However I would honestly consider getting a job yourself so that you have some financial independence.

PinguForPresident Sat 20-Aug-16 18:33:59

Yes. Definitely abusive. He's leaving you short of cash so you're dependant on him and have to beg him for it. Creepy

How did he get your name off the joint account? You should have to sign forms to get that done. Did he pressure you into it, or did you never see the forms? I'd be a bit worried about that too, TBH.

AntiHop Sat 20-Aug-16 18:34:01

Yanbu. In a relationship, finances and financial decisions should be shared. His behaviour sounds very controlling. Just because he is not spending much money on himself does not make it ok.

formerbabe Sat 20-Aug-16 18:34:26

He pays all bills and transfers £300 a month to my account

What's the £300 supposed to cover?

Thefitfatty Sat 20-Aug-16 18:35:44

If you sent him a message and said there was only £30 and you had groceries to buy and your hair to be done, what would happen?

hownottofuckup Sat 20-Aug-16 18:36:04

Is that £300 for you personally to spend on stuff for yourself, or £300 for petrol, food etc?
I wouldn't like it either way, but I do think it makes a bit of a difference.
The main thing is though, if you don't like the situation and he is enforcing it upon you, that's not ok.

QueenLaBeefah Sat 20-Aug-16 18:36:46

Look to getting a job and inform your "d"h that he will now be financially responsible for paying for the childcare. He sounds like a fucking arse.

Seekingadvice123 Sat 20-Aug-16 18:36:52

I can't believe he removed you from the joint account when his salary increased. As I understand it you can't just remove someone from a joint account. Did he discuss this with you? And you agreed to it?

Phillipa12 Sat 20-Aug-16 18:36:58

That is financial abuse and how did he take you off the joint account? I have just come off two joint accounts due to separation and my signiture was required both times.

PuntasticUsername Sat 20-Aug-16 18:37:09

You describe him as "lovely". He doesn't sound all that lovely, tbh.

TheWeeBabySeamus1 Sat 20-Aug-16 18:37:45

So when you were earning more and he was doing his degree he was happy with a joint account? Now he's reaping the benefit of that degree in a well paid job and suddenly he's not so keen to share?

Completely unfair, and I'd be pointing the above out to him.

wowfudge Sat 20-Aug-16 18:37:46

Hmm - strikes me that he doesn't want you to see what he spends money on beyond the things you know about. Do you know what he earns?

gonetoseeamanaboutadog Sat 20-Aug-16 18:37:46

I couldn't live like that.

Minniemagoo Sat 20-Aug-16 18:37:50

Are you sure you were fully removed from the joint account?, he didn't just take your card as you would have had to agree to be removed.
Rather than just jumping in to say he is financially abusive I would wonder were you overspending/creating debt and having a budget is better. If your Dh had been a gambler/financial waster lots would tell you to limit his access to your accounts.
Unless you have no idea how much is in the accounts, he is hiding statements/wage slips and other controlling behaviours (questioning spending etc, which isn't very obvious from your Op) I would not rush in with the financial abuse tag just yet.

dietstartstmoz Sat 20-Aug-16 18:38:07

I think he is being unfair to you, why is he being Lord and master and calling the shots and why are you letting him get away with it?
would you feel able to speak to him about this or would you rather keep things seperate and return to work?
My DH works FT I work PT, we have a disabled child so my working hours are significantly reduced due to this, he earns over twice what I do and we have a joint account and all bills and spends come out of this and we both have full access to this money. We both have some 'spends' money each month too which comes out of this but if either of us wanted anything big it would come out of joint funds if we could afford it.
We are a team, I work short hours as DS cannot attend any before or after school clubs so I sort him and other DS out after school, sort school bags. Start dinner, have a cuppa etc. But we both have equal access to my wages and his as we are a partnership.

ElspethFlashman Sat 20-Aug-16 18:38:30

If he works away Im not sure if she can get a job. The kids are obviously young.Would he pay for childcare?

The minute he removed you from the joint account was the minute you should have known he viewed you as "lesser".

Do you even see statements? Do you know how much he has?

How would he react to you demanding access to money that is legally half yours?

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