AIBU or is he? Or are we both the problem(3 Posts)
So we are married only nearly two years now and our baby is 1 next month. We moved house recently, not planned but our landlord needed our old house. New house needs a good bit of tlc which is not easy finding the time with the lo. I started back to work 3 days plus some weekend work 2 and a half months ago. He has exams coming soon so needs to study although always finds time to play ps4 at some point in the day. Although I know we all deserve downtime, sometimes feels he manages to find that more than me. Main issue is we keep arguing, constantly, over everything. Housework, groceries, money. I think we have gotten to a stage where we both assume the other person is having a go based on previous arguments when they're not. But we've spoken to each other badly in the past so we're just expecting it. He tends to get angry and call names, I tend to get sulky and cry. We seem stuck in this cycle and both of us can't seem to stop. I think we're both being unreasonable. I go through phases when I try to be a bigger person but I can't stop .
For example: last week we fought because we spend to much on groceries and waste food (imo). He suggests meal plan (which I try to do but he always buys nonsense we have to eat) so we wrote it down. Halfway through week he takes day off work to stay home and do diy (although paints a room we don't use yet in a colour he chose himself) and he decides to make a roast chicken. Now I know I should be grateful to have roast chicken but it wasn't the meal plan so I was a bit miffed, especially as I had taken out frozen pre made curry to defrost which would have to be binned. He sees I'm miffed and gets angry, I see he's angry and start to cry and we're off again! How do I stop this?!
As an aside there is also some issues with how he drinks, something which I have spoken to him about and is better but at the moment I'm downstairs sulking on the sofa as he had pretty much two bottles of wine and is sprawled across the bed naked and snoring. I have a friend staying over who had a glass and a half I had maybe two and a half glasses. Feeling a bit embarrassed that he sat in the corner drinking away all evening. Not sure she even noticed. But it is Friday night. Should I be miffed? Or think ah well one night is fine. (He was drinking more regularly until recently when I told him I had had enough of him drinking followed By one day hangover, one day normal then drinking again.
First of all I am sorry that you are not getting on so well.
Is there any chance you could sit down and say to him how you are feeling?
Could you suggest to him that you put all of your past issues in the past and make plans to move forward with things. Think of it as like starting afresh because if you keep focussing on past events it is just going to get worse and worse.
Personally I would consider doing online grocery shopping as I find that it is much easier to only buy what you need when you do this as opposed to buying what catches your eye in the shop?
Also if you like making a meal planner then fine but TBH there is no point in doing it if it is going to cause you to fall out with each other.
I don't mean to sound rude but it also sounds like you are not really talking to each other about even everyday matters and that is causing you to argue as well. Could you maybe agree on what evening meal you are going to have in the morning or the day before? Maybe that way you won't waste as much food.
Also you say that the house needs some TLC and I was wondering if this is causing you stress?
If you are renting I am thinking that actually maybe the landlord should be carrying out the repairs and this would make your lives a bit easier too.
Just some thoughts.
I would seriously suggest relate. We found it useful in breaking cycle and having someone help us find the middle ground.
on an off note, you could have fridged the curry and have it the next night or for lunch
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