AIBU to still be annoyed at friends comment even though it was years ago?

(48 Posts)
Happyhippy45 Fri 19-Aug-16 16:18:03

About 10 years ago when we lived abroad, we were friends with another family who had moved to the same town as us around the same time.
We socialised together as a family and also I went for walks/coffee with the mum. My DH hung out with the dad and did "manly" things😂
I babysat her son and she babysat for my two. We were (I thought) quite good friends.
They were regular church goers. We are not. It wasn't a problem as far as I was concerned.
One day when we were out for a walk, chatting like usual she directly asked me
"How can you (me personally) raise children with morals if you don't go to church?"
I don't remember my exact response, I didn't lose it with her but I stormed off.
I was really insulted. I didn't speak to her for quite some time. Our husbands managed to play diplomat (so we could socialise again.)
I'm not great with conflict so I just kind of pretended nothing had happened and we carried on as normal. Everytime I think of it I get angry all over again.

HandWash Fri 19-Aug-16 16:21:37

You're still angry because you didn't say anything back or clear the air.

Why did she let you look after her child if she sees you as do lacking in morels?

Millipedewithherfeetup Fri 19-Aug-16 16:22:02

1 comment 10 years ago gets you angry now ? Really ?

HandWash Fri 19-Aug-16 16:22:10

*so lacking in morals

AnotherUsernameBitesTheDust Fri 19-Aug-16 16:22:18

Sometimes people who are religious can be weird.

When I was pregnant with my oldest I worked with a guy who was quite religious, we'd actually become quite good friends. He asked me if I'd be getting my baby christened and when I said no he said if baby died it would go to hell. shock Luckily I have a very thick skin so I told him as I wasn't religious I didn't believe in hell anyway, so I wasn't worried about that. But who the hell says that to a pregnant woman?

Amelie10 Fri 19-Aug-16 16:23:15

10years later is about time to get over it.

AnotherUsernameBitesTheDust Fri 19-Aug-16 16:23:38

Oh and YANBU to remember her comment and still be annoyed, I am. I don't think of it all the time obviously but when I remember (like now!) I still feel a rage of "why on earth would you say that?"

Happyhippy45 Fri 19-Aug-16 16:27:40

It wasn't just that one comment. She was questioning our parenting abilities. Our daughter and her son had been speaking to in confidence and he had immediately told everything she said to his mum. (Birds and the bees stuff)
Turns out he had started the conversation with my daughter and then said she had randomly told him all her knowledge in that area. She knew more than he did because she had asked and I'd given her an age appropriate response. They were about 10 at the time.

HeddaLettuce Fri 19-Aug-16 16:28:29

10 years ago, man, build a bridge, ffs.

Happyhippy45 Fri 19-Aug-16 16:31:14

another that's horrible.
My mum and mil were both a bit upset we didn't get our two baptised.
Mil even crocheted a shawl.

SymbollocksInteractionism Fri 19-Aug-16 16:32:04

YABU
Ten years, let it go!!
Don't exhaust yourself stressing about things that happened so long ago!!

Sonders Fri 19-Aug-16 16:35:07

Surely you could have responded with "because I don't believe a person needs church to know what is moral and what isn't."

Then had an informed debate, and carried on your day?

It's a bit rude, but if she believes that morals stem from christianity, surely you can offer your opinion and just act like adults?

Spottypjs1 Fri 19-Aug-16 16:36:11

Maybe she wasn't saying that you couldn't possibly teach morals to your children. Maybe she was just asking what you use as a moral reference out of genuine curiosity. She uses the bible to back up her moral teachings and wanted to know how you do it if you don't go to church. Could it have been genuine interest? Without being privy to the whole conversation it is difficult to tell. Could you give her the benefit of the doubt?

Happyhippy45 Fri 19-Aug-16 16:38:06

handwash yeah you could be right.
We now live in different countries so it'll never be "resolved" as such.
Just pops into my head every is and then and I think "Why would you say that to a friend?"
Re babysitting her son: At that point they didn't know too many folks in town. I was the best offer..... he was also a lying, manipulative little sod.......at times.

LuckyBitches Fri 19-Aug-16 16:38:48

YANBU - I'm terrible for secretly holding grudges. But this is because I'm too conflict-averse. Perhaps WABU?

Happyhippy45 Fri 19-Aug-16 16:40:35

sonders I did respond with something along those lines
spotty definitely not out of curiosity. I think she was annoyed that the birds and bees convo had taken place. Tarnished her perfect sons innocent mind.

whatwhatinthewhatnow Fri 19-Aug-16 16:48:42

My friend told me when we were ttc (for over 3 years) that I just hadn't prayed enough for a baby. It still bugs me even though we are on good terms. I just laughed at her, if I recall. YANBU.

whatwhatinthewhatnow Fri 19-Aug-16 16:50:10

Also, some good retorts for future comments about morals can be found on the humanist facebook page.

heknowsmysinsheseesmysoul Fri 19-Aug-16 16:54:16

She asked a question. A lot of people feel religion gives them a moral framework. I wouldn't have found it offensive or stormed off. I'd have said something along the lines of 'I don't think morality is something only provided by religion, we teach our DC X, Y or Z because it's the right thing to do in life'.

Very odd you're still ruminating on it after a decade.

KindergartenKop Fri 19-Aug-16 17:03:23

My in-laws said this to me when Dh and I got engaged. They wanted me to convert to their religion because they thought 'it's important to share moral values'. I was a bit confused because it is possible to be non religious and be a good moral person! And we do share moral values, pretending to believe in a religion isn't going to have any impact on morality!

Happyhippy45 Fri 19-Aug-16 17:08:34

heknows it wasn't a polite reasonable question. It was said in such a way that she was stating that you CAN'T raise a child with good morals with out religion.

heknowsmysinsheseesmysoul Fri 19-Aug-16 17:11:55

I still wouldn't have stormed off or still be angry about it a decade later.

I am not a particularly angry person though. It obviously upset you but I would let it go now if you can.

toffeeboffin Fri 19-Aug-16 17:16:20

'How can you raise children with morals if you do go to church?' grinconfused

JudyCoolibar Fri 19-Aug-16 17:27:42

I would like to think I'd have turned the comment back on her with something along the lines of "I guess some of us have morals simply because we recognise that that is the right way to behave, and aren't solely motivated by keeping a god happy or reserving our place in heaven".

Happyhippy45 Fri 19-Aug-16 18:10:23

heknows people have said and done much worse to me and I've not had this reaction or held onto something that I probably should have forgotten about a long time ago. Like yourself I'm not an angry person or one to storm off. I tend to hang around and have a good argument resolve things.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now