Getting increasingly disillusioned by my relationship with my mum

(7 Posts)
PeachesAndDerek Fri 19-Aug-16 09:48:15

It's always been difficult, she thinks we're really close. Not really the case. Too many examples to list but let's start with my wedding day a few months back. I had my bridesmaids, mother in law, sister in law all drinking with me and helping me get ready ... My mum told me she'd be later than planned as she was going to look at a new house first. On my wedding day! Wedding was at 4pm, she eventually turned up at 3pm - made a quick appearance in my room and then said she'd see me later at the ceremony. Leaving MIL to play the "mother of the bride" role in helping me get ready.
During the ceremony DH got emotional when saying his vows. My mum declared that he was probably upset thinking about his first marriage!!!! Mil cried - mum said she wAs probably the same and crying about his first marriage. Who the fuck says that to a new bride?? She left the party early and the next day said "it was a long day for everyone wasn't it?" Err no, it was my wedding day!!!
Loads of similar examples. She never phones me, I always have to phone her. She never comes down here despite the fact that her and her husband are both retired and drive. She expects me, who works full time, to go and visit her or even to drive there, pick her up to bring her here to visit me and then take her home again.
My sister is a receptionist for NHS. A few months back NHS had a job cut phase in our area. My mum was panicking like mad that she'd lose her job and then said "hopefully it's just nurses that will be affected". You guessed it ... I'm a nurse. Cheers for that.
I fly to USA tomorrow. My mum said I'll call you before you fly. Will she bollocks. I'm starting to not want to bother. She seems to hate seeing anyone doing well, is always slagging off my cousins if they achieve or get a good deal with something, gets jealous if I mention MIL ... She's just such hard work. Wants to be the centre of my attention yet can never be arsed to make an effort.

LikeIGiveAFrock Fri 19-Aug-16 09:52:14

You poor thing
I'd reduce my visits / phone calls and try to get on with my life

Sonders Fri 19-Aug-16 09:59:55

This is exactly the same as my mum and it's really been depressing me lately, I'm getting married in a couple weeks and I know it will be exactly the same.

We both live in the same city, about 7 miles apart with the city centre between us. I see dad quite a bit as we have a couple of shared hobbies but mum makes literally no effort. In the 5 years I've lived here she's visited twice (I/we go to theirs probably once every 3 weeks). She drives, I don't own a car so end up getting 4 buses or 4 trains on a round trip.

I really have no advice because I don't know what to do either!

madgingermunchkin Fri 19-Aug-16 10:04:48

Do you actually get anything good out of the relationship?
No? Then why bother? All you are doing is making yourself stressed. Keep reminding yourself that * for relationships to work healthy, there has to be equal give and take*

I was once in your shoes. Giving up was the most liberating thing.

DanielCraigsUnderpants Fri 19-Aug-16 11:01:53

Well you are definitely not being unreasonable. She sounds very wrapped up in herself. Is there any chance she is jealous of you?

If it were me I would stop making so much effort and keep it to the bare minimum, I'm sorry OP its a horrible situation.

OTheHugeManatee Fri 19-Aug-16 11:05:18

She sounds utterly self-absorbed. I'd cut your losses. It must be very painful being constantly disappointed like that though sad

JinkxMonsoon Fri 19-Aug-16 11:18:01

This is a bit of a Mumsnet stock answer, but this might resonate with you.

www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com

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