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Who is being the most unreasonable? One of us ends up the "loser", and it always seems to be me...

(23 Posts)
Albusseverus Fri 19-Aug-16 09:45:00

DH and I have been together 11 years and have D.S who is 3 1/2

We currently live in a nice, but cramped, flat. We bought it before DS and have so far managed ok, but it's getting to the stage that we are seriously starting to outgrow the space. We have to be quite strict with DS in terms of running/jumping/loud play as the walls are paper thin and we don't want to disturb our downstairs neighbours more than we already do. When I'm at home (I work term-time), we need to do a morning activity and afternoon activity away from the house, often leaving at 8am, returning at 12.30 for nap, then leaving again at 2. There is no way he could cope in the house all day.

Long story short, went through the fuss of setting mortgage appointment and getting agreement in principle for a move, redecorating myself(during holidays with DS in tow) and fixing up the house for viewings. Great - everyone happy. Until DH waits until this is all done and decides that he doesn't want to move yet as "there's no need/we can't afford it". We can - it would be tight, but doable - but he doesn't want to, so we can't. Never mind that a house would equal a garden for DS, peace for us and more space. Fast forward four months and, while disappointed (and pissed he let me do all that work KNOWING that he didn't want to move), I've accepted it to a point.

But I've become broody. I had a really terrible time with DS (PND) and I've always vowed never again. It's been niggling for the last few months and I've discussed it with GP and DH (my biggest worry would be getting PND again and not being able to be there for DS - I don't want him to feel neglected or unloved in any way) and I thought we were on the same page. It took 3 years to conceive DS and I'm in my mid-30s so really should get cracking if we're to start on the baby train again.

DH turned around yesterday and told me he doesn't want another.

I get it. I totally do. But why keep letting me get my hopes up for things and dashing them at the "last" minute? Why is everything on his terms? Obviously, the baby thing is a completely different kettle of fish than the house - I would never have a baby if he wasn't 100% into it - but I want to progress our life together and all he does is stall and fucking procrastinate. He holds all the cards and I'm just standing still until he's ready. There's no consideration of what is best for me or DS - he's content with the way things are right so everyone else has to be, too.

Thing is I can't do any of these things without him. He needs to be on board and I'm so frustrated waiting for the go-ahead which, again, will be on his timescale.

I think he's being unreasonable. He thinks I'm being unreasonable. One of his complaints is that I can't stand still, that I'm always searching for the "next" thing. I can see his point, but surely searching for the next thing to make your life better is a natural state? Sitting on your arse and pottering about, hoping something good will happen, doesn't exactly lead to results.

Part of me thinks I should just get the ball rolling on the house. Put ours up for sale and see what happens, that he's bound to get used to the idea. I'm so resentful towards him right now, maybe it's time to just take control and do what I want.

Is it me? Am I asking too much?

dowhatnow Fri 19-Aug-16 10:18:33

Neither of you are wrong. You want different things but you need to get him to see that it's not fair to have to be out of the house all day.
It's not fair of him to keep changing his mind either. What has he said about time frames?

Shizzlestix Fri 19-Aug-16 10:28:15

YANBU! He is. I think it's normal to want more space and especially an outside space for a child. Can you revisit the idea of a move?

NewlyNamedMe Fri 19-Aug-16 10:32:05

So youve been in your current house how long? A minimum of 5 years and he thinks wanting to move now is chasiing the next big thing? I think he is stalling.

butterfliesandzebras Fri 19-Aug-16 10:43:49

To be honest, in your position I'd be wondering what else he wasn't telling me. It's clear he's happy keeping the truth from you so he can avoid an argument until you progress things to the point he has to tell you.

So what else is he lying about?

peeblesriver Fri 19-Aug-16 10:54:38

I would be very careful on how and when u talk to him about serious issues. Some men are just like that. They want to feel they are theeee man. Do u still love him ?

Albusseverus Fri 19-Aug-16 11:16:22

We've been in the house 5 years, so a reasonable amount of time to be thinking about the next stage.

If I'm honest, I am really worried about the underlying motives of the stalling. I can't help but question WHY he stops our lives progressing. Does he still love me? (perhaps not wanting to move is his way of avoiding further financial commitment to me, same with the baby) I've asked and he's adamant that he does. He's a good man and loves DS to death; I can't help but wonder if I'm just the thing he has to deal with so that he can have DS all the time. If we split, he'd never cope only seeing him weekends.

I still love him. He's my best friend.

Bugger. Now I have to worry about this too.

Underparmummy Fri 19-Aug-16 11:19:13

I might be a total bitch but now he's dashed baby hopes I'd damn well be getting my new house and that would be that.

What do you do if you or your son feel poorly?!

lucyandpoppy123 Fri 19-Aug-16 11:38:08

I could have almost written this post! (except the broody bit)
My OH is a very reluctant mover - each time I have to do all the legwork finding the house and all the paperwork while he sulks and drags his heels and then once we have moved he is fine. Annoying and frustrating though!
We are also in a small (2bed) flat with our toddler and looking to move to somewhere with a garden and more space in the near future. I'm like you in always wanting to move to the 'next' thing with OH dragging their heels. I don't mind - I'm strong willed enough for the both of us lol if I were you I would just start looking and viewing and maybe write down a plan of how you would be able to afford x property. Your current situation sounds stressful with having to be out of the house all the time and it presumably affects you a lot more than OH, who is at work. Maybe because he is in the house so much less is why he doesn't see an issue. Either way, YWNBU imo to start looking for properties and going on viewings.

peeblesriver Fri 19-Aug-16 13:09:45

The first step for a huge problem is doing anything alone without him knowing. In your case if u still love him then work with him. Find comfort in what he see's as comfort otherwise u will end up without him. Try not to stress him too much. If u decide u are going ahead with viewings tell him then go ahead but don't expect support from him until u have put things together then present it to him and hear what he says about your new plan. Remember yourself and don't stress too. Kids are happy even living in a room as long as they have both parents

Underparmummy Fri 19-Aug-16 13:12:48

'Try not to stress him too much'

Really? Did we just time warp back to the 1950's and I didn't realise?

Griphook Fri 19-Aug-16 13:19:12

Hmmm, could be way off here but does he see/feel the problems of a small flat? Is he taking ds out at 8 and 2 every day. Thinking of things to do with him to keep him quite. Maybe he doesn't see the need because he's not suffering. Apologies if I'm way off the mark, just the comment about him not coping

peeblesriver Fri 19-Aug-16 13:23:19

My comment to Albusseverus not u. No advice is too bad or too good. Only the individual knows what works for her. We are all different and look at things differently. As they say - another mans meat is another mans poison :-)

hesterton Fri 19-Aug-16 13:26:09

He seems to be having the last word on family decisions - does he feel this is fair?

Marynary Fri 19-Aug-16 13:35:22

Is he the type of person who stalls and procrastinates on everything? If so, then that is the reason he is stalling on the house. Some people just don't like change. Also, he probably doesn't experience the disadvantages of living in cramped accommodation like you do if he is at work all day. I would just keep nagging explaining that it really is important that you move and hopefully he will eventually see the light. He does sound rather selfish though.

Willberry Fri 19-Aug-16 13:37:17

Sounds like me and my DH are the opposite of you and yours lol! I hate change, I hate moving, I have to be very uncomfortable before I will instigate change (house/job etc.) DH had to practically lever me out of our 1 bed flat to our family home with a crowbar (metaphorically speaking of course). The thing that finally did the trick was him telling me that our living conditions were making him ill and he whilst he hoped I would move with him he would be moving with or without me!

I love our family home now and within days of moving knew he had been totally right about the move, even though I spent the entire house search period hoping to pursuade him to stay in our tiny flat lol.

Luckily we are on the same page about babies.

I'd stamp your feet about the house move as it does sound like it makes sense.

Albusseverus Fri 19-Aug-16 13:43:44

We both work loads but I do all holiday care which equates to around 11 weeks a year. He knows - because I have been extremely vocal - that I find being in such a confined space with DS and forced to be out all day, extremely taxing. He doesn't understand and never will as he doesn't have to do it. We take turns entertaining DS at the weekends, but the most he has ever had to do is take DS out for a morning activity once a week. I'm sure this is a part of the problem as he doesn't see the "need" because he's not directly affected. I'm not sure how to rectify that, or make him see just how much outside space and more room would make a difference.

He has form for procrastination and I generally take the lead on things, much to his annoyance. He'll "dot it soon/in a minute/later" attitude is incredibly frustrating but was fine when others didn't rely or depend upon him.

I guess we need to have a serious discussion about his timeline. At the moment he says that we can move "sometime next year" but, knowing him, this will be pushed back further and further as I don't think he's committed to the idea at all.

Albusseverus Fri 19-Aug-16 13:45:14

Again "his timeline". Waiting for him to be on-board...it's all about him. Again.

ImperialBlether Fri 19-Aug-16 13:53:05

He's completely selfish, expecting you to live like that when he's not affected by it at all. I would consider leaving someone over that. He's just lazy and thinking of himself, rather than thinking of you and your son having to tiptoe around and go outdoors in all weathers because the home isn't suitable.

RB68 Fri 19-Aug-16 14:04:48

Personally I would focus on the needs of your Son - put all the move advantages in light of Son - A bedroom, play space, good schools etc. Get a valuation on your flat and start working out the finances and focus on move happening earlier next year than he would like - so there is some leeway in the plan - but yes - I have to do the "moving forward" planning too

Kenduskeag Fri 19-Aug-16 14:51:10

Did you make a thread about the time he pulled out of the flat move? If this is the same game, most people thought he was a massive tosser then (deliberately screwing up your moving plans once you'd set them in motion having let you believe he was on board) and now doing it again.

All about him, isn't it? He gets to decide how and where you live, he gets to decide on your number of children, and more importantly he's no desire to talk about any of this with you, he just lays down the law and expects you to put up and shut up. He believes you have no choice - what are you going to do, leave?

Well, maybe. Let's face it, he's making it quite clear you want different things in life. You want a family, he wants to live in his studio flat. And you're right to suspect his stalling could be indicative of other issues. Why has he suddenly decided all your ideas are wrong? Why is nothing ever up for discussion or debate - don't your views matter?

I don't know, I'm still remembering the last thread where I saw his actions as less "bumbling but lovable sort who just really loves his flat and is afraid of change" and more "what a fucking jerk, letting her get the place fixed up to move then dropping the bomb he wasn't going to 'let' her complete the process. Controlling arseface who is happy his life isn't so disrupted by the tiny flat. Will fight to maintain his comfortable status quo at the expense of his family because he knows she loves him and will try to keep the family together." This is the cherry on his shitty cake, and he's changed his tune from the family-oriented man he once pretended to be.

Albusseverus Fri 19-Aug-16 15:52:06

Yep, that was me Kenduskeag. I'm actually fairly ashamed that I'm back with the same problem. It's really quite pathetic when you see it written down.

It's hard to really get his personality across, and I am worried that I'm painting him as selfish and controlling. Outwardly he's not. Most would assume (rightly) that he's the more passive of the two of us, but I'm starting to see that controlling doesn't always mean being gung-ho and doing what you want. He's silently getting what he wants through inaction. I don't, however, think this is a power thing for him. He's getting no joy from me being pissed off and disappointed but he does know that I'll be fine soon as what other choice do I have? I'm not having DS in a house where there's friction.

I think his worry about moving is genuine. He doesn't want us to be - on paper - struggling more than we are now. I would quite happily forego the extras in order to manage an extra 100-150 a month. It can be done and it just means we need to be a bit more careful with "little" buys (no more £30 on Amazon here and there). We are frugal and don't spend extravagantly at all and he's very good at twisting it (we're already down to nothing at the end of the month/what is one of us loses our job/if all we have is a house, where is the fun etc.) but the fact remains that I want to move, he doesn't and there's fuck all I can do about it until he's ready.

I think I'd be happy with a new date but I know for a fact he's not saving extra to accommodate a potential move. It's not on his radar at all.

The baby, I understand. I hope he'll change his mind but I know if the situation was reversed and he wanted another and I didn't, I would despise him for making me feel guilty about it. I will subtly nudge but if it's his bottom line, then so be it.

It's going to be a shit night in our house tonight.

Thurlow Fri 19-Aug-16 16:03:13

At best this is someone who doesn't want confrontation, so when you initially start talking about moving, or having another child, he sort of mumbles and agrees and lets you get on with things before finally admitting he doesn't want to do it. Which is putting a hopeful spin on things, and he would still need to grow a decent backbone and make his opinions clear miles earlier than he does. It's one thing to think "I don't want to move, maybe she'll just forget about it if I don't actively do anything to help" - but it's a complete other level to let you start doing things towards that move and still not comment.

And that's putting a good spin on it, that what he's guilty of is not having enough of a backbone to make his own opinions clear.

It doesn't entirely read like that though. The more it happens, the more it sounds like he's comfy, so why on earth should he consider what someone else might want?

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