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To have told my DH I just don't want more bloody lingerie?

(142 Posts)
aurynne Fri 19-Aug-16 04:20:37

Let's start by saying I have never liked lingerie. In the very occasional time I have used it, it was for my DH's benefit, because I know he finds me very hot in it, but it really does nothing for me. I find it uncomfortable, itchy and non-practical. It gets into my crack. Its usually too tight. It gets caught everywhere.

My DH and I have been together for 7 years. He travels quite frequently. Every time he comes back from a trip he excitedly tells me he has something for me... 8 times out of 10 it will be a bloody piece of lingerie. First couple of times I acted excited about it. Next 4-5 times I was a bit meh, not showing a lot of enthusiasm in the hopes he would get the message. I now have a bag full of pieces of unused or once-used pieces of quite expensive lingerie. A bloody waste of money and fabric!

But the hints obviously didn't work. My Dh is just back from spending a week in the US for work. He came back today and brought me... surprise, surprise! Another bloody piece of lingerie.

It's got to the point every time he comes home and I see another bloody Victoria's Secret or Anne Summers bag my heart sinks, it is a massive put off for me, so in fact it is having exactly the opposite effect he is intending.

So this time I decided this could not go for longer. I was honest and said I was grateful for the present and it was so nice of him to think of me, but really, I had never liked lingerie. I told him I felt it was really not a present for me but for himself, and I would be much happier with a box of chocolates (I am a chocoholic, so no way of going wrong with that!). I also love books. I love all type of clothes (tops, trousers, coats)... except for lingerie! I love to try different kinds of coffee. I love wine, and Baileys. So not really that hard to find thinks I like.

He got massively hurt and does not understand it at all. He insists he spent a long time looking for that particular piece of lingerie (it's a kind of sexy one-piece nighty thingy... which I would never ever choose myself let alone wear it) and it was really for me, not for him.

WIBU? Does anyone have any tip to lessen the blow for him now that the hurt is done, but still get the message across clearly? I just don't want another piece of lingerie, now or ever again. I'd happily burn the lot. But I do love my DH deeply, he is a lovely, lovely man. He cooks. He cleans. He is sensitive. I hate hurting him... I just do not want more fucking lingerie!

lackingimagination Fri 19-Aug-16 04:47:52

YANBU!

I don't think anyone could blame him for his choice in gifts if, given the benefit of the doubt, he didn't pick up on your hints and thought you liked them. However now that you have made your thoughts clear he has no excuse. He has no right to be 'upset' about it - perhaps he feels a bit silly not realising you didn't like it? Maybe he will get over the shock(? can't think of a better word) of finding out, think it through rationally and get over it.

Don't worry about upsetting him though - you have every right to not like something as much as he has a right to like something. No need to 'lessen the blow' if all you did was tell him the truth.

It's actually made me laugh a little as my DP has a similar way of looking at things - he will book or buy something that is predominantly what he wants (although I will usually enjoy it also) and present it so me as if it's for me. Eg lackingimagination I have just ordered your new TV... No, no, no - thank you very much but that is OUR new TV that YOU wanted!

PS very jealous of your hoards of unwanted lingerie - I wish DP would buy some for me!

ThisisMrsNicolaHicklin Fri 19-Aug-16 04:54:20

What I've read in your OP is that in this particular matter you are trying to be sensitive to DH's feelings but he is not trying to be sensitive to yours.
There's a whole morass of stuff going on with lingerie - body image, objectification, expectation of sex, which is fine if that's what you are comfortable with but if it's not and DH isn't listening then you're on dodgy ground.
Despite what DH thinks, this is not thoughtful gifting for the very simple reason that you don't like it. The excitement he expressed when telling you about it makes it clear that it's primarily for him.
I think you have been very understanding and sensitive about it already. It sounds as though he's hurt because he is a nice man and he rightly feels crap because he is having to face that he has been quite selfish in this particular area. I think if I were you I'd just leave him to process it himself.

GarlicMistake Fri 19-Aug-16 05:01:53

YANBU!

It sounds as though he's hurt because he is a nice man and he rightly feels crap because he is having to face that he has been quite selfish in this particular area.

Yep, this exactly. Or so I hope! It would be a right bummer to have to find out your lovely, helpful husband does mostly think of you as a sex doll - or does mostly enjoy slinky lingerie next to his own skin during sex??

Hope your message has finally got through and your next present's edible & drinkable!

Beautifullymixed Fri 19-Aug-16 05:06:25

I feel your pain OP.
I'm in nothing like your situation, but was dating earlier in the year after a long spell of abstinence, and decided to try out the world of lingerie for the first time.

The suspenders languish in my drawer, humble after the vitriol I threw their way.
I have never felt so uncomfortable, exposed, and as for the way my legs looked! shock

The babydolls that looked so lovely online, but didn't support my rather ample chest area.....
Lace that scratched, thongs that resembled cheese wire, disappeared so far up places that were best left undisturbed...shock

To be fair, my budget is more amazon or love honey , rather than Victoria's Secret, so your bits were probably a bit more luxurious than mine were, and better fitting.

For me, a total waste of money, not apreciated in the slightest, and like you OP, I would choose chocolate as a gift anytime.

This is a hard one though tbh, as he really does love lingerie it seems, as much as you don't. Maybe a compromise - one new piece on birthdays? Anniversaries?
Then it's something for him to anticipate, and you only have to wear up to three times a year. smile
Especially if he's as nice a DH as you say.
Can you steer him towards pieces that you wouldn't find so difficult to wear?
There is a world of difference in the level of flattering and fit with lingerie, as I found out......... <shudders>

Mamatallica Fri 19-Aug-16 05:21:09

YANBU and I totally get why this pisses you off but I also think that it's quite sweet that while working away, he is clearly spending his time fantasising about his wife in sexy lingerie! Think yourself lucky on that score at least.
I'm sure when he gets over having his pride hurt, he will try to be more thoughtful with his gifts in future.

aurynne Fri 19-Aug-16 05:37:37

Thanks for the supportive messages, I was completely ready to be told I was an ungrateful bitch!

He really is a lovely, sweet man and I am feeling like crap because there really was no way of saying it without hurting him sad.He also has quite good taste in clothes (much better than me!) and the lingerie he has been bringing is good quality and my size. I am incredibly lucky that he finds me sexy and thinks of me wearing it, I am very aware of it, and some times I do enjoy "dressing up" for him and see him happy. Not for me though, my style is more "let's cuddle, and kiss, and stroke each other's head, and massage, and then things get more heated". Lingerie, and bdsm, and furry cufflinks are ideas which may be ok for a hot dream or to use in my imagination, but in real life I am quite a practical person and I find them too much of a faff. Considering how infrequently they get used, we now have enough lingerie for the next decade without using a piece twice. I really, really wanted to stop him spending money in something I quite dislike.

There is also what ThisisMrsNicolaHicklin mentioned, about objectification and the expectation of sex, that makes me dislike the idea of lingerie. When I do wear sexy clothes he gets aroused so quick that i feel I have to "catch up". Wearing lingerie does not excite me the same way it does him, and I end up not enjoying sex as much. I should have brought this conversation up much earlier to avoid this situation, however in my defence I will say that I never expected him to keep buying it so frequently! I now have more pairs of sexy briefs than I have of everyday, cotton, comfy briefs which are the ones I use and like, and it is really a waste for them to be languishing in a plastic bag, with tags still on.

aurynne Fri 19-Aug-16 05:42:05

beautifully mixed I laughed out loud with your post... In my opinion even the best quality lingerie is bloody uncomfortable, precisely because it is not designed to be comfortable, but to show your body in the sexiest way. I don't feel comfortable wearing a brief so... erm... brief that it gets in between my labia. I cannot see the point of bras that do not cover your nipples. Don't get me started on thongs. And the sexiness of sexy onesies ends when you need to take them off to go to the toilet in the middle of a freezing night when you live in a country without central heating.

Anonymouses Fri 19-Aug-16 05:42:17

Has he not commented about how much is unworn? Yanbu btw.

MyOtherUsernameIs Fri 19-Aug-16 06:01:28

YANBU at all. My ex used to be into lingerie and whilst I tried for a bit I quickly found I hated it for all the same reasons you've cited. It also made me feel like he didn't want the "natural" me - I was having to pretend to be someone I'm not by dressing up. It wasn't part, in my mind, of a loving sexual relationship. (There was a shit ton of other issues too so I'm not suggesting your DH is the same, but I empathise with the way you felt about the stuff!). When I met my current partner I loved the fact he just wanted me... Not trussed up in a load of net.

JustForThisTopic Fri 19-Aug-16 06:17:46

Various ex's, various preferences - but all of them understood that 'sexy lingerie' was for their benefit, not mine, and sometimes I'd indulge them other times not. Thankfully current FWB isn't into it at all.

Your DH is a grown man, he is either a bit dim or a bit selfish. It would have been pretty obvious YOU weren't into when you weren't wearing it all the time.

Even lovely people can have their selfish side.

Trifleorbust Fri 19-Aug-16 06:20:24

You're not a doll for him to dress up. He has no right to be hurt. Tell him you won't be wearing it from now on.

ShotsFired Fri 19-Aug-16 06:23:33

aurynne I'd happily burn the lot

I wouldn't. The flame would be seen from space if its made of the typical lingerie materials grin

Misselthwaite Fri 19-Aug-16 06:25:05

I think you're being too nice. Tell him how much you'd like it if he'd wear your knickers and give him your smallest most cheese wire like thong.

TooGood2BeFalse Fri 19-Aug-16 06:35:58

I agree it's nice he's thinking of you when you're apart, but can definitely see how it must make you feel like a bit of an object as it's not the most personal gift.

Let him think about it for a while. If he brings it up again, gently explain what you've told us - he shouldn't really be that hurt as you are hardly asking for much!

Popskipiekin Fri 19-Aug-16 06:44:32

Really empathise OP. Reminds me of a holiday I had v early on with DP, now DH. A romantic trip abroad to a rather hot country. We had discussed him buying me some lingerie beforehand - I'd never been bought lingerie before, he was keen, I thought it sounded sweet... - but even then I didn't quite expect what I found hanging up in the bathroom on our first night: a full outfit of corset, knickers, stockings, suspender things. But - after half an hour huffing and puffing into it - it looked good on and certainly got him all worked up very rapidly. Great stuff, now to get on with our holiday - wear it again maybe, or maybe not. But I had reckoned without his enthusiastic lingerie buying! For the next 4 nights I went into the bathroom before bed, with increasing trepidation, as EACH NIGHT there was a new outfit to be struggled into in the heat. He loved every single one, but each night I felt a little bit more p'd off that it was clearly all for his benefit not mine. Think he did realise how annoyed I was getting as he called out on the final night "don't worry, I haven't bought anything else!" which fortunately gave way to a good old chat about maybe not so much lingerie buying in the future! He's got a bra set or two since, but nothing on the scale of your DH, OP. You absolutely did the right thing telling him - better late than never, it could have gone on for decades. If he really does like seeing you in it, seems you could do no worse than to suggest you might - very very occasionally - wear what he has already bought you, but just as one small part of a full relationship and sex life.

timelytess Fri 19-Aug-16 06:46:12

He isn't 'thinking of you' when he's away - he's thinking of sex and of dressing you as he wants, for his pleasure. You're his blow-up doll. He doesn't think of you as a person with thoughts and feelings. He's in sex-themed, or women's underwear shops looking for this stuff? And how is that working for him? He sounds like a creep to me.

Euphemia Fri 19-Aug-16 06:50:28

YANBU!

My DH is not one for lingerie, thank goodness. However, it's my birthday on Sunday and he was fretting the other day that he's bought me something that's really for him - I can't wait to see what it is! Knowing DH, it'll be a chocolate bar he likes better than I do. grin

DoreenLethal Fri 19-Aug-16 06:56:05

and it was really for me, not for him

If it is for you not him, then when did he ever ask if you liked it, and has he never noticed that you don't wear it for fun? This is a ridiculous line, and one that grates my cheese.

lasttimeround Fri 19-Aug-16 06:57:48

Bit ott timelytess. A guy buying lingerie for his partner isn't immediately a creep.

FlashBangOut Fri 19-Aug-16 07:04:14

I think you a being a little U (very gently)

If he was buying it every birthday and Christmas you'd have a point. But it's just a random gift, he isn't pressuring you to wear it. I'd accept gracefully and put in the bag with the rest.

The sex toy, dress up doll stuff is just OTT in typical MN fashion

OttoTheOnly Fri 19-Aug-16 07:06:33

He got massively hurt and does not understand it at all. He insists he spent a long time looking for that particular piece of lingerie (it's a kind of sexy one-piece nighty thingy... which I would never ever choose myself let alone wear it) and it was really for me, not for him.

This makes him sound like a massive sleaze and a bit of an inconsiderate knobhead.

He's got no right to feel hurt when you told him you weren't into his objectification of you!

CatNip2 Fri 19-Aug-16 07:26:17

Yanbu, and if her carries on like this I would buy him some vile rubber thong from a sex shop and insist he wears it day and night for a week.

StillNotANewUser Fri 19-Aug-16 07:27:00

YANBU - I hate it when OH buys me lingerie but he loves it, it does make me feel as if I'm being dressed up for his benefit. You had to tell him at some point (and I don't think you're U for expecting that he might have picked up on it by himself when it's all sitting unused).

PotteringAlong Fri 19-Aug-16 07:31:56

If he thinks it's really for you not for him then lie it out with the stuff he has bought "for you" on one side of the bed and stuff you have bought for you on the other. I bet they're not the same...

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