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To ask how to handle this?

(34 Posts)
Bocolatechiscuit Thu 18-Aug-16 13:45:46

DS, age 10, who has attachment issues and subsequently struggles to make and keep friendships (I've posted about him before), has been invited to his first ever sleepover tonight...yippee! He's super excited and I'm really pleased for him too. There are 6 boys in total and they are having a movie night then sleeping all together, either in a caravan in the garden (!) or in the boy's bedroom. Now my slight concern is that DS has really severe night terrors which are exacerbated by late nights and lack of routine...both of which he will definitely have tonight! They manifest themselves in different ways, from him just shouting out in his sleep to him actually getting up, wandering around quite distressed and being difficult to settle. I desperately don't want this to stop him from being able to be involved, especially as he is so excited to have been included for once, but what do I do? I will talk to the mum of course, but do I ask her to speak to the boys too? I need to avoid it being a big thing or I risk either the boys making a big deal out of it and him becoming excluded again from the group, or if he finds out I'm talking to them about it, I think he could potentially worry about it himself and decide he doesn't want to go either. Advice please-how do I beat make this work for my lovely lad?

Bocolatechiscuit Thu 18-Aug-16 13:46:07

Best, not beat!

MrsMozart Thu 18-Aug-16 14:02:05

Talk to the mum.

I'd mention it to the boys, just say he sometimes has nightmares, otherwise they might freak out and exacerbate the situation.

Hope he goes and has a lovely time.

whateveryousay Thu 18-Aug-16 14:27:39

I can't think how to word this without sounding insensitive, and it's really not meant to be, but why would you be so keen for your DS to be in a situation that sounds most likely to end in his distress? To be fair, I don't know you, so there could be very good reason. If I was hosting a sleepover for lots of kids, and one was likely to be upset, I'd be a bit worried! Perhaps invite them all to sleepover at yours, where you will be in control?

Bocolatechiscuit Thu 18-Aug-16 14:44:53

Sorry, maybe I wasn't clear in my OP. He doesn't actually get distressed, he's asleep and can APPEAR distressed. He has absolutely no recollection of his dream the next morning at all. I really don't want a night terror, which might not even happen, to stop him being able to do and have a lovely time with his friends. He is rarely chosen to be invited to places so I'd really like to be able to allow him to go. His recent night terrors have been much gentler-him simply getting up, shouting for me, me going to him and telling him to go back to bed and him lying back down and sleeping again. I don't want to stop him doing something he is so excited to do and can't have them all here as I don't know a couple of the boys (friends of the boy who's mum has arranged).

whateveryousay Thu 18-Aug-16 14:57:45

I do feel for you, but you are potentially asking quite a lot from the host parents! Even though your DS may not remember his night terror, he could scare the living daylights out of the others, or at least wake them up, and then host mum has a big problem in the middle of the night. How well do you know her? If she's a good friend, there's every chance she'd be happy to do this for you and your DS.

Bocolatechiscuit Thu 18-Aug-16 15:02:16

It only tends to happen about an hour after falling asleep. If it hasn't happened then, it won't happen. She's not a good friend, more a school mum I've known since they were in reception to chat to at the school gates. So is the concensus to tell him he can't go? I hear what you say but it breaks my heart considering how excited he is and considering it's only a possibility...

whateveryousay Thu 18-Aug-16 15:08:24

How about you just explain the situation to her, as above, and let her decide? I wouldn't mind personally, if it was a matter of staying up an hour after they went to sleep, to wait and see, but others might. I would be less happy if it might happen in the middle of the night, as I'm no good with no sleep, and have my own 4dcs to look after all the next day. If the mum is unhappy, then don't take it personally, maybe then arrange a sleepover at yours with the kids you do know? Good luck πŸ’

myownprivateidaho Thu 18-Aug-16 15:12:39

I'm afraid you have to let the other kids know. You can't leave a load of children to find that out by themselves in the middle of the night, they'll freak out! And they need instructions about what to do if it happens.

TheWitTank Thu 18-Aug-16 15:13:13

I would speak to the mum and ask what she would prefer you to do. You could always pick up later in the evening (I have done this and DD has come home in her pyjamas as she wasn't very secure about staying over). If he doesn't want to tell his friends why, then you can say you have plans for early morning. The mum actually might be ok with it. I would.

RaspberryOverload Thu 18-Aug-16 15:15:44

I would simply explain to the mum. DS sleepwalks at times, no night terrors, but he can actually look wide awake. And it only happens before midnight. So I can see where the OP is coming from.

Wanderingraspberry Thu 18-Aug-16 15:18:46

I'd speak to the Mum and ask what she thinks about telling the boys. If he were coming to me I probably wouldn't mention it to the other boys and if it happened and any one woke explain that it's a nightmare and we all have them some times. It doesn't sound a big deal to me and you certainly shouldn't stop him from going! If you are hosting a sleepover there's a fair chance of some kind of disturbance/someone wanting to go home anyway. She's probably prepared for it.

AnnaMarlowe Thu 18-Aug-16 15:22:59

I'd speak to the boy's Mum
and ask her to warn just her own son in case it does happen so that he can tell the other boys not to worry and go and get her.

Pettywoman Thu 18-Aug-16 16:11:32

You can prevent sleep terrors by partially waking the child just before they're likely to have one, maybe 30 to 45 mins after they've dropped off. Both mine had them and as you say, they don't know they're having them although it can be distressing for those watching.

Pettywoman Thu 18-Aug-16 16:14:03

Just to add, the partially waking method is a way of resetting their sleep patterns enough to knock them out of night terror mode. They don't usually have one that night if you do this.

CafeCremeMerci Thu 18-Aug-16 16:21:30

Definitely don't stop him going unless the other Mum asks you not to send him.

I wouldn't mind one bit. I'd explain to my child that yours might have a nightmare and he might need to come & wake me up, but that it's private information and not to be shared around unless it happens and if it does all he has to do is calmly say 'Yeah, sometimes x has nightmares, I'm just going to get my mum'.

Kids really don't worry bout these things, most of them nightmares at times (no need to call them night terrors - rv n though they are).

If I had several
20 yo
Boys sleeping over the last thing I'd expect would be a decent nights sleep - so no biggie. It might just as easily be one of the others crying to go home.

I'm so pleased he's been invited, try not to worry πŸ’

CafeCremeMerci Thu 18-Aug-16 16:24:09

Bloody phone πŸ˜πŸ˜πŸ˜’πŸ˜πŸ˜

It's true though. If I had several 20
year olds sleep over I wouldn't expect to get ANY sleep πŸ˜‚

But they'd better not be crying to go home πŸ˜‚

gandalf456 Thu 18-Aug-16 16:25:12

I probably would not mind. It would bother me more if he behaved badly. I had one wet the bed once. it was no big deal

Mummaaaaaah Thu 18-Aug-16 16:28:47

I'd totally talk to the mum and explain. If it was me I wouldn't mind a jot and would be happy take said child back to bed and settle him. And as his friends are 10 as pp said she can talk to the boy who's hosting.

Welshrainbow Thu 18-Aug-16 16:41:48

Talk to the mum, explain that if it's going to happen it will be in first hour after sleep so chances are she will be awake and if it happens she can take him to a different room, tell her how to best deal with it. As far as the other boys go I wouldn't mention anything unless it happens in which case is just say he sometimes sleepwalks.

MrsBobDylan Thu 18-Aug-16 17:45:53

It wouldn't worry me, worth asking the mum I think. I get night terrors which I'm still waiting to grow out of in my 40s and it's often following a night of poor sleep that I get them so fingers crossed he's fine.

Bocolatechiscuit Thu 18-Aug-16 18:05:46

Thanks all. I've spoken to the mum and sent a follow up text just to reiterate she should phone if there's a problem. She was very breezy about it all and kept saying 'oh it'll be fine, don't worry!' I have him here now after cycling and playing out all day, and i'm making him shower under duress or they'll be sending him home for having stinky socks, never mind his night terrors! shockenvy

FoxInABox Thu 18-Aug-16 18:07:08

My daughter sometimes sleepwalks- on occasion she will be crying inconsolably whilst sleepwalking. She had her first sleepover this summer and I just let the mum know that it may happen and how to deal with them. She didn't do it even though I was anxious she would as she Is more prone when she's over excited and over tired. I would let him go, talk to the mum and maybe let the boys know in a 'no big deal' kind of way.

PixelLady42 Thu 18-Aug-16 18:16:54

I don't think it would be a problem at all, as long as you tell the mother who's arranged the sleepover that he has this issue and what to expect. I would perhaps ask her if her son is a light sleeper, or if you / they know if the other boys are, in case they get woken up by it and are alarmed.
I say this with the voice of bitter experience after being woken up in the middle of the night by SILs son and initially thinking he was terribly Ill or being attacked, on the first night we ever had him to stay as we offered to help them out when her and BIL went away together not long after we first met her. I was not told that he had this affliction, and had never heard of it before.
I was so out of sorts the next day after being woken up repeatedly overnight and worriedly watching over him each time it happened in case he was in distress that I didn't think to mention it when they briefly dropped in to pick him up.
It's a great experience to think something terrible has happened in the middle of the night when you are looking after someone else's child (!)

TwinkleTwinkleLittleBat Thu 18-Aug-16 18:40:27

Ds had some friends over one time for a birthday evening and sleepover. One friend stayed for everything right up until bedtime then his dad collected him. I don't recall the reason why, but he didn't really miss out much and still enjoyed the evening with his friends.

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