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Would I be unreasonable to ask PIL to take DD out for the day?

(28 Posts)
Itsaplayonwords Wed 17-Aug-16 20:22:24

Since DD2 came along my parents have taken DD1 out on her own a few times and had her over night to make her feel special. She has loved her days out without the restriction a new baby brings and she likes staying at Nanny and Grandad's house where they make a bit of a fuss of her. My parents also love it and ask when they can next look after her. MIL often says "if you need us to do anything you just need to say", up to now we haven't and I always get the impression she's talking about housework (she has said if you need me to do some washing or run the vacuum cleaner round etc), but what would be more helpful is if they took DD1 out for a nice day as I think she'd love it and that way I can more easily do the housework myself. But they've never taken her out on their own and they've never offered to. They have looked after her a few times for appointments but it's always been at our house and once when I suggested they could take her to the park if they wanted to on one of the days they were looking after her they said they probably wouldn't do that. Would I be unreasonable to ask them to take her out for the day? I would offer to pay for entry to somewhere of their choice and supply food etc.

Glastonbury Wed 17-Aug-16 20:27:17

Yes I think you would be unreasonable. If they offered then it would be different. My parents wouldn't cope with having my children all day. They haven't got the patience they had when they were younger.

Itsaplayonwords Wed 17-Aug-16 20:31:11

They often take SIL's DD out who is only a year older so I'm not sure their ability to do it is a problem.

Hassled Wed 17-Aug-16 20:32:05

I think they probably know their limitations - your MIL obviously means well if she's offering to hoover etc, so I'm sure it will have occurred to her that she could take DD1 out, and for whatever reason has decided she's not up to it. You lose your nerve a bit with small children when you haven't been hands-on for years - I panic a bit with toddlers despite having had 4 of my own many years ago. So I think leave it - accept what help she feels able to give, but don't ask for more than she wants to do.

Iguessyourestuckwithme Wed 17-Aug-16 20:33:35

How old?

DeathStare Wed 17-Aug-16 20:33:42

I don't think you'd be unreasonable to ask at all. You just need to make sure you do it in a way where they feel they can express any concerns they have and know they can say no.

Itsaplayonwords Wed 17-Aug-16 20:33:53

DD1 or PIL?

RubbleBubble00 Wed 17-Aug-16 20:34:30

A year makes a difference though. Perhaps they think she's too small.

RJnomore1 Wed 17-Aug-16 20:34:58

How about ask them if they'd like to take her somewhere for a shorter trip - soft play maybe - and see how it goes?

It could be MIL is a MNer and had read s those threads...

Itsaplayonwords Wed 17-Aug-16 20:35:42

Sorry, I should have been clearer, they've taken SIL's DD out since she was about a year old. She's 3 1/2 now. My DD is 2 1/2.

Itsaplayonwords Wed 17-Aug-16 20:38:37

It could be MIL is a MNer and had read s those threads...

What threads? MIL isn't very tech savvy so I wouldn't have thought so but stranger things have happened.

Hassled Wed 17-Aug-16 20:38:43

What are your DD1 and her cousin like in personality, though - is there any possibility they see your DD as being a bit more challenging? If not, I'm stumped really. Could your DP/DH ask? Or the SIL?

Chchchchangeabout Wed 17-Aug-16 20:39:39

What Deathstare said. Ask if they would be comfortable with it and what you could do to make it easy as possible for them.

Iguessyourestuckwithme Wed 17-Aug-16 20:40:20

Taking a 2.5 year out for a day trip is a big undertaking and I say that as a paid nanny to a 2.5 year old.

Missgraeme Wed 17-Aug-16 20:40:20

Maybe her being your mil and not your dm has made her apprehensive about asking to take her out?! Next time she offers to help out with chores say 'no its fine I don't mind the chores but do u want to take dd out from under my feet instead??' if she says no then u know where u stand but she may be waiting for u to suggest incase she comes across as presumptuous about grandmahood!! I am a mil and the status isn't the same as a dm! Good luck.

cant your DP ask them?

myownprivateidaho Wed 17-Aug-16 20:43:16

I think it should your DP asking. And I think he should be asking them if they would like to do this. Otherwise, just carry on asking them to look after her when you need it (since they have offered to do favours). I am sure that your PILs will establish their relationship with your DDs on their own terms, and it's fine if they do it differently from your parents.

gillybeanz Wed 17-Aug-16 20:44:32

YABVU, your dd is very fortunate to have gp's to take her out at all and you are lucky to get a break from looking after both of them.
Some people have no help or respite and have their children all the time.
Maybe pil's take other child out to give the parents a break not to favour one particular child. They maybe think you have enough help and dd has a special relationship with other gp's.

Itsaplayonwords Wed 17-Aug-16 20:44:37

My niece is a bit of a handful. Her mum described her as an easy baby but a horrible toddler. I'm not going to say my DD is perfect because she of course has her moments, more so recently since DD2 came along, but PIL always say what a lovely, happy little girl she is. And the tantrums are only ever really for us, she doesn't play up for others.

SIL works some weekends so it's usually then that they have her but they do take her out rather than just have her at home. Maybe I should put it as "if you ever want to take DD out for the day then just let us know". Maybe they've never considered it an option for whatever reason and that way it puts the ball in their court.

RJnomore1 Wed 17-Aug-16 20:44:40

There are so many threads with people complaining about their mother in laws being over bearing and demanding alone time with their children,

Maybe she's just waiting to be asked?

Chchchchangeabout Wed 17-Aug-16 20:47:59

I think 'if you do ever want to...' Is a good line. You could say you know she'd enjoy it as special 1:1 time with grandparents too so they know you aren't just being polite.

BarbarianMum Wed 17-Aug-16 21:04:50

<<Maybe she's just waiting to be asked?>>

^^This. My MiL is so careful not to be seen as demanding or pushy she'd never suggest an outing with the gc or a sleep-over but when we finally got round to asking she nearly bit my arm off <strokes scars>.

TheBouquets Wed 17-Aug-16 21:15:10

Maybe MIL thinks that as the paternal DGM she will not be asked nor will she ask to look after your child. A lot of Mums favour their own DM.
Discuss it with her and ask if she has any worries

Itsaplayonwords Wed 17-Aug-16 21:19:23

Thank you all. I think I'll mention it in the way I said so as not to put any pressure on but let them know the option is there if they would like to. I do think DD1 would really enjoy that time with them 1:1 but if they don't feel able to/don't want to for any reason then that's okay.

AnchorDownDeepBreath Wed 17-Aug-16 21:21:13

Your SIL is their daughter? Maybe they are just more comfortable suggesting things to her, and don't want to put pressure on you?

Suggest something. The worst that can happen is that they don't want too, and then nothing changes. Good luck.

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