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To just want a couple of hours to myself to grieve?

(22 Posts)
MrsLouisTomlinson Wed 17-Aug-16 18:45:49

My wonderful grandad passed away 2 weeks ago after a very short illness (less than 3 weeks from diagnosis to death). The illness was very intense and I spent a lot of time at the hospital staying overnight with him when time allowed etc. I also work shifts and until he died I was still going to work. Whilst a death is always stressful this was complicated by the fact that my sister who lives abroad was due to get married last weekend which we had to attend. We felt as though we were wishing my grandad away as the thought of him dying whilst we were away was so hard to bare.

Anyway he died 2 weeks ago tomorrow. We flew out for the wedding 6 days later, in those 6 days wedding prep took over, I set aside my grief in many respects and did have a lovely time at the wedding although there were aspects of it that were bittersweet, the loss of our grandad did not spoil events. We flew home on Monday, my husband returned to work yesterday, it is of course school holidays and I have had the children (6 and 12) to entertain. They've taken the loss of their great grandad in typical youngster fashion, very matter of fact and 'ok' about it.

I feel like I haven't had 5 minutes to grieve, to get upset and cry, every time I try I get interrupted by a child wanting something or laughing and dicking about or squabbling. I know, it's just kids being kids but I feel like I haven't had time to breathe.

The funeral is tomorrow. I'm picking my sister up from the airport tonight, a half hour journey away. I was going to use it as a bit of time alone with my thoughts and then with the person closest to me who knows how I'm feeling (my mums grief is obviously different to mine). Except my dad wants to come now too as he thinks it will be nice for my sister. DH has announced he has to work tomorrow morning and whilst I do understand I'm desperately disappointed as I'd wanted him to take the kids out for an hour or two so I could just have a bit of time with my thoughts. I'm back at work on Friday and just know that if I don't get some time to myself before then I'm going to be an emotional mess.

Aibu or should I just try and suck it up, have a good cry at the funeral and pull myself together?

RosieandJim89 Wed 17-Aug-16 18:56:02

Can you leave the kids with DH for an hour tonight after the airport run and get some time alone? definitely NBU

Greengager Wed 17-Aug-16 18:57:48

I'm so sorry for your loss. I think you should be blunt about what you need and tell everyone you need some time to yourself. Be firm. You have to put your interests first because it doesn't sound like anyone else is atm.

MrsLouisTomlinson Wed 17-Aug-16 19:07:04

I've tried to say to the kids I need a bit of space but they're young and don't (or won't) get it. It feels indulgent and selfish but I just want a couple of hours holed up in bed to be sad.

Hufflepuffin Wed 17-Aug-16 19:12:14

Can you ask your dad to look after the kids?

Hissy Wed 17-Aug-16 19:15:31

Tell the truth to your dad. Ask him to have the kids for an hour or so instead of your h.

This is important. YOU are important.

Your h should have said no. You're not available.

Sofabitch Wed 17-Aug-16 19:18:15

This really sucks I'm in a similar place. My nan died suddenly last Tuesday. I don't feel like ive had a second to grieve. The school holidays and having to look after my Dm and Dg. It almost feels as though it hasn't happened.

Tell them you need some time x

MadisonMontgomery Wed 17-Aug-16 19:19:22

Oh bless you, no of course you need some time to yourself. I remember a few years ago I had a bereavement, and people just kept coming round all the time - I know they were being kind but I just wanted a bit of time to myself to process everything!

peaz1 Wed 17-Aug-16 19:20:34

So sorry for your loss. I think you need to speak out, and if you don't you'll feel bitter about it. Speaking from experience, having lost my dad and brother. However, I also found that after the funeral was when I needed time to recoup the most, on both occasions. I'd definitely set some time aside for grieving after tomorrow.

Welshmaenad Wed 17-Aug-16 19:22:06

YANBU. I lost my dad on the same day. Similar situation too with very swift downward decline and felt like I didn't have time to prepare for it. Having to entertain the kids and get on with things has been HARD. Really I just want to go to bed for a couple of days with a bottle of his favourite scotch.

Get your dad to mind the kids or tell your husband he needs to tell work he is unavailable. You need time for you. I am so very sorry for your loss xx

Goingquietlyinsane Wed 17-Aug-16 19:22:52

YANBU OP, and I'm sorry to hear about your grandfather.

You do need to start being upfront with your needs though. Not so much with your kids, they aren't capable of giving you what you need. You must tell your husband and your father that you need some time alone.

megletthesecond Wed 17-Aug-16 19:26:21

Yanbu. Sorry to hear about your Grandad flowers .

I had to bottle everything up when my dad died, total lp and even started a new job the day after his funeral. I wouldn't recommend it, not good for the MH at all.

bonnie1981 Wed 17-Aug-16 19:35:59

yanbu. I lost my gran this week. Do you have a friend who could take the kids for a while? is there a summer camp/class they could do for a bit? let them into the garden to play and have a wee cuppa?

RunRabbitRunRabbit Wed 17-Aug-16 19:38:12

Why not go out for an hour on your own before you do the airport run?

Niggit Wed 17-Aug-16 19:43:53

YANBU at all, bless you. You are important too. Be honest with the people around you and ask for some help.

DeathStare Wed 17-Aug-16 19:44:19

Explain it to your dad and ask him to stay with the kids instead. Or ask him to pick your sister up instead of you and take the kids with him.

TheDuchessofDukeStreet Wed 17-Aug-16 19:49:15

Mrs Louis, could you take Friday off work? You need not even tell anyone you are doing so if you do not like. Have a secret day.

Very sorry about your grandfather.

taybert Wed 17-Aug-16 20:10:45

Sympathies. I've just lost my grandma after a similarly short illness. I found out on Monday morning, got the the kids ready for nursery, took myself off to work and have been holding it together ever since. Until this evening when I went for a run, felt shit and just cried and cried. I'm now sitting quietly at home, children in bed having sent my husband out on his bike. I've got a glass of wine and I might go and lie in bed and cry in a bit. YANBU. Hugs and sorry for your loss.

MrsLouisTomlinson Wed 17-Aug-16 20:35:12

Thank you for all your replies, they've really helped. I had a snotty sobbing meltdown with DH prior to going to the airport and then again with my dad on the way to the airport. I've just come home and DH has poured me a wine and said he is no longer going into work in the morning. My lovely dad also offered to have the kids for an hour if I wanted tomorrow. I think I've been so caught up in sorting everyone else out (because it was needed) I hadn't told people what I needed and just expected them to magically know. It looks like I've been dealing with it all really well because i haven't been dealing with it at all. Now I've verbalised that I think people get it.

Thank you for all of your suggestions. And love and flowers to all going through similar. You expect to lose your grandparents. But by god it's still utterly shit when it happens.

YelloDraw Wed 17-Aug-16 20:53:30

Sorry for you loss OP but well done for telling people what you needed.

NeedANewTattoo Wed 17-Aug-16 20:54:30

My sincere sympathies. I lost my darling Dad nearly a year ago and it breaks my heart. My mum is disabled and was completely lost when he passed - my siblings were next to useless so a lot of the arrangements were left to my husband and I (we also had our DD to care for). This all meant that our grief was delayed. I work as a dinner lady so had time in the day after the funeral to go to the grave and spend time alone which helped massively. My husband was very close to my Dad and loved him dearly, he was so affected by the grief that it all came to a head 4 months after Dad passed that he ended up signed off work with stress and depression for 6 months and couldn't go back to his previous job.
Obviously this is a worse case scenario but you do need time - to cry, talk to him, and remember him. It will do you the world of good.
Take care

Sofabitch Wed 17-Aug-16 22:50:07

I just wanted to say thank you for posting this. It prompted me to speak to my dh and get myself some space.

I'm glad you got some too.

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