To let DS go to her friend's party instead of MIL's?

[Blup]

DD is 5, and can get very nervous about unknown situations. She has always refused to go to birthday parties unless I'm with her the whole time. This has started to be problematic, because she's reaching an age where no one's parents stay at parties. We've been working on encouraging her to give parties a go, but it has often descended into tears and she has always refused to go without me there.

One of her friends is having a party soon, and DD has decided she'd like to go. This is big progress. She says she thinks she'll be ok without me, as she knows this friend's mum quite well and she's nice. Also, the party is in a clay modelling place, and she's keen to try that. Great. I'm playing it cool, but really glad to see her wanting to go, and being happy to go. I think it'll be really good for her to see that she can do this!

However, the party is on MIL's birthday. MIL has planned an outing to a country park for the day, followed by dinner. There is no way of getting DD to the country park bit if she also goes to the friend's party, as the timings just won't work. I've said we'll join them for dinner, though. MIL is now upset, claiming her party just won't be the same without DD there. There'll be plenty of other family there, and in all honesty, at these events MIL pays very little attention to DD. DD doesn't mind going, but isn't that fussed because she'll be with her cousins all day and they don't have much in common - there's a bit of an age/interests gap.

It's not a special birthday of MIL's or anything like that.

Now, I recognise that my view may be coloured by:

1. Being so keen to see DD enjoy a friend's party
   
2. Being a bit fed up of MIL's demands in general
   
3. Finding it slightly silly for an adult to insist on such a fuss being made of their birthday
   

but am I unreasonable to let DD go to the friend's party, and just join MIL & co for the meal? DH is siding with MIL as he doesn't want a fuss.

[longdiling]

Where was she invited first? If you'd already accepted Mil's invite you're on shakier ground.

[MapleandPear]

I like your solution. MIL needs to get a grip.

At 5 DDs were still slightly wobbly about me leaving them at parties. I usually stayed for a bit to make sure they were ok. Another year on they were fine.

[Nataleejah]

Let DD go to a friends party, you go with MIL. I assume she isn't old and frail and she'll have plenty other birthdays

[HandWash]

You're still going to the meal so I can't see the big deal personally.

An adult claiming their birthday is ruined because a 5yo missed a proportion of it is being a bit silly.

[Sooverthis]

So you won't go to MIL birthday do either? As presumably a country park outing for the day then dinner takes far longer than a party. Sounds like you don't like your MiL would love to spoil her day and this is a great excuse, which it is enjoy your time off.

[Champagneformyrealfriends]

Mil needs to grow up-your DD is a child and a grown woman shouldn't expect a child to miss a friends birthday party for their own.

[Nataleejah]

Soverthis are you for real?

[Sooverthis]

Sorry early morning just read you will go along for dinner so not really an issue then

[Yorkieheaven]

As a mil and a gran I would say absolutely let dd go to the friends party.

See I would know this about my grandchildren and be encouraging dd to go to her friends.

Your mil sounds childish and daft.

[Chocolatefudgecake100]

Shes a kid let her be with her friends and do the meal later with mil ur mil is being childish

[NoahVale]

mil should let her go to party, although i am sure she wants her at the country park

[cexuwaleozbu]

If MIL's age isn't ending in a zero then she doesn't need the whole clan there all day, it's fine to join for dinner later and your DD will be able to make a clay model of something 'specially for grandma' which will be much more meaningful than just playing with older cousins in grandma's vicinity.

[sleeponeday]

MIL is being ridiculous. Your DD is still going to be at the dinner bit, and surely what is best for a 5 year old is more important? It would be different if there were another party, because that would be letting another child down, but for an adult, and one in the family, you'd expect them to place the child's best interests ahead of their own.

[Damselindestress]

You are still going to MIL's meal. I think she is being a bit precious. Does she realise what an important milestone it is for your DD to have the confidence to go to a friend's party on her own?

[EarthboundMisfit]

I'd send your DD to her friend's party, and a reasonable, loving grandparent would support you 100%.

[Caken]

Let her go to her friend's party- it's what she'll enjoy more and she will still get to see MIL. Everyone wins, just MIL doesn't win as much as she wants to!

[SanityClause]

If she's already RSVP'd the friend, then she should go to that party. I think the compromise you have suggested is reasonable.

I think you'll find most parents won't mind if you stay at parties, though. DD1 had a very close friend who always wanted her mum there at that age. And there were a couple of children with potentially fatal allergies whose parents always stayed, as well.

It's a PITA if a load of parents expect to stay, and be entertained, and bring siblings along, etc, but I think most people appreciate that not all children are ready to be left at 5.

[ImYourMama]

Another vote for friends party rather than selfish MIL

[Mrscog]

Definitely friends party, any decent grandparent would be pleased for their grandchild to be overcoming something like a fear of parties.

[DeathStare]

Any good grandma would tell you to send her to her friend's birthday party. A good grandma would put getting DD over this problem above her own birthday.

If your MIL is not being a good grandma then ignore her. Definitely send your DD to the birthday party.

[cherryplumbanana]

Another vote for your DS going to her friends' party.

You are both going to MIL diner, so that sounds completely fine to me. It would have been trickier if it was lunch and you had already accepted,but in this case, your DS should go and have fun.

[ShanghaiDiva]

Surely mil should be pleased that your dd is overcoming her fear and wants to go to the party.
Going to the meal afterwards seems a sensible compromise and I think your mil is being unreasonable and a little childish.

[TheSilverChair]

I'd say it depends which invitation came first. If you have already accepted one then that's where you go. Basic good manners.

[onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad]

Your MIL is being selfish. What grandmother would prevent their DGD from going to her friend's party? Ignore your MIL and do what's best for your DD.