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My husbands driving me mental!!

(54 Posts)
hungryhippo90 Tue 16-Aug-16 15:17:58

I've got long standing mental health issues, it's taken me four years to get myself on my feet. I'm actually feeling a lot better within myself at the moment, but things have really come to a head with my husband. I think the world of him, but he's driving me crazy.
I don't think he's actually grown up at all if I'm honest, and he's 31.
He lost his business about six months after we met. I tried to help him save his business I gave him everything I could get hold of. Anyway business was gone, and since he's been hounded, and hounded by bailiffs and debt collectors.
He needed a car, didn't have cash and couldn't obtain good credit. (He was offered finance at a stupid rate of about 6k over what the car cost) so I ended up getting the loan, under the strictest belief that he would pay, and on time.
Fast-forward to last December, he was made bankrupt. He had to send in payslips etc. He received a letter in April demanding these within seven days. He still hasn't done it.
Bankruptcy means he can't pay the car finance. So I say, I get PIP at £220 per month. This will pay for the car. I then get word from finance company, in two months arrears. So I've tried to make this up, but them arrears showing on my credit file means I am unable to get any finance for a car...fine, I will save and buy something cheap.
Then it transpires council tax doesn't get paid. Everything is in arrears. Everything.
Rent is 1 and a half months in arrears.

Then to make matters worse, he has a car accident last week, only for him to then say, ah I didn't tell the insurance company that I got 3 points on my licence last year...

So now I'm looking, and going, I finance a car for you, now I'm just about to do my driving test, and I've got NO way of getting a car. Especially as every penny I can get hold of in the foreseeable future will be going on clearing the payments he hasn't made...he isn't flush for cash. But it's not like he doesn't have money. His total bring home is around 3.2k per month.
I have started dog walking and boarding etc. As there's not much I can really do, as my mental health is so bad.

I don't know....I'm trying to figure out if it should be this difficult? Is he being as irresponsible as I think he is? Are these problems caused by my disability? Am I expecting a bit much?

Whatever I get my hands on, generally goes towards the families wants/needs.

veryproudvolleyballmum Tue 16-Aug-16 15:19:41

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CodyKing Tue 16-Aug-16 15:22:29

You need to ditch him - he's adding to your mental state.

A good human would not do this to another let alone his wife

You are enabling him as he has never hit rock bottom - when that's where you are - financially and emotionally

YelloDraw Tue 16-Aug-16 15:25:45

He's a complete and utter lying cunt. Ditch him. You can't be with someone who takes takes takes takes takes and leaves you in debt.

LewisAndClark Tue 16-Aug-16 15:26:48

What on earth do all his wages go on?

Pootles2010 Tue 16-Aug-16 15:27:01

Jesus. I was mad at him until I read he gets 3.2k a month - seriously, wtf?

He is taking advantage of you, he doesn't care about you at all. Please get out asap.

LewisAndClark Tue 16-Aug-16 15:27:18

Your PIP is supposed to be to make YOUR life easier, not to finance your husband's car. Arsehole.

TeaStory Tue 16-Aug-16 15:29:01

This man will bleed you dry and it doesn't sound like he gives a shit.

EweAreHere Tue 16-Aug-16 15:31:30

You need to get cash off of him and leave. Leave! He doesn't care about you.

MrsWorryWart Tue 16-Aug-16 15:34:07

You are NOT being unreasonable

I cannot believe he earns so much yet you're being forced to use your DLA money which is supposed to make your life easier

I think you know he is being an arsehole!!

Imnotaslimjim Tue 16-Aug-16 15:36:44

.he isn't flush for cash. But it's not like he doesn't have money. His total bring home is around 3.2k per month.

My DH earns less than half that and other than a few pounds a week TC and child benefit we get no other income and manage to live comfortably enough with a mortgage and secured loan. What is he spending the money on? 3.2K a month would have me moving house and living the life of Reilly!

PrimalLass Tue 16-Aug-16 15:36:59

So is your household income your PIP and his salary?

hungryhippo90 Tue 16-Aug-16 15:55:10

Thanks for all the replies, I really, really hoped that it was me being a cow towards him.
No idea, I mean it's goes on bits and bobs, often the rent etc. But the rent is always late/and or partly paid.
I spend half my life begging people to set up payment plans for things he's not sorted.

I have sat down and figured everything out, and thought why the fuck is it that I just had to pawn my phone to buy food for us to eat? I mean it's quite literally that bad.

Yes, PIP is supposed to make my life easier, but this way it felt like I was doing "my bit" even if it has meant I've had the odd moan about it, usually when we don't even have money for my medication, then I do tend to get a bit shouty.

Primalass- yes, his income, my PIP, child benefit and some money I've managed to get from dog walking (I've just started!- I needed to try and earn some money to try and make life less hectic. But I'm seeing that it makes no difference at all)

PrimalLass Tue 16-Aug-16 16:01:54

Would it be possible for you to take charge of all the money?

teacher54321 Tue 16-Aug-16 16:06:49

You are enabling his behaviour by bailing him out. My now dh was DREADFUL with money when we first met, payments were always late, nasty letters from the bank etc. His was always quite small scale as we were students so he didn't have access to that much debt although it felt horrifying at the time. Once he was earning properly, his finances improved thankfully and things have worked out well. His was massively associated with a sense of entitlement (I deserve nice things) and a lack of understanding of how money actually worked. I'm glad we stuck it out. It seems to me that your circumstances are very different and I wouldn't be inclined to believe it will improve. hes had plenty of chances and you sound at the end of your tether.

Oldraver Tue 16-Aug-16 16:07:58

Where is the 3.2 k going ? If you are to stay together you need to know all te finanacial details

MrsWorryWart Tue 16-Aug-16 16:17:30

I agree, you need to sit down and work out the honest family budget.

You had to sell you phone?!?! shock And how do you contact people if you're out and there's an emergency?

ZippyNeedsFeeding Tue 16-Aug-16 16:24:24

Something is absorbing all of his money (and that's a LOT of money to disappear every month). He isn't paying bills or clearing debts, so it's likely there is a nasty habit lurking, or another family. It might be gambling, drugs, or something else but you need to find out what it is.
I couldn't live with the constant fear, but I'd want some straight answers before I packed my bags.

FeliciaJollygoodfellow Tue 16-Aug-16 16:24:56

He is taking advantage of you so badly, he shouldn't want to accept any money from you, let alone actual do it! He's clearly shit with money if he's getting that much in but still not able to pay the rent and council tax on time and is now bankrupt.

He clearly has no respect for you at all. I do think that families need to work together but he has shown over and over again that so long as he has enough for whatever he's spending on, then who gives a fuck about you?! I think if you looked to extricate yourself from this relationship your mental health may improve as well as his money management.

blushrush Tue 16-Aug-16 16:25:29

Whoa! He brings home 3.2k a MONTH! shock How is he in debt? I get that bankruptcy and such can be costly and long term, but are you saying he honestly can't scrape enough together to at least clear the debt in your name?

I would be sitting him down, with his bank statements, and finding out exactly where his money is going every month or I would leave. Simple as.

RunRabbitRunRabbit Tue 16-Aug-16 16:30:09

Are you sure he gets 3.2k a month, not long after being bankrupt?

Why do you think the world of him? He sounds like a total cunt.

VladmirsPoutine Tue 16-Aug-16 16:35:09

This doesn't add up. How is he earning £3.2k a month? And what does he spend it on?

Alachia Tue 16-Aug-16 17:18:35

Is he telling the truth about the £3.2k a month? If so where on earth does it go? Can you just have them repossess the car and so not pay any more on it (don't know how car loans work)? Then he can get one out of his 3.2k. At least a small banger should be affordable on his take home pay. Is he hoarding it as a "punishment" for you not earning enough? Even if he's not you really shouldn't be struggling so much on his pay. I think you are possibly being taken for a ride and being lied to.

happypoobum Tue 16-Aug-16 17:21:12

Get rid of him - what a loser.

PrimalLass Tue 16-Aug-16 18:59:48

He is taking advantage of you so badly, he shouldn't want to accept any money from you, let alone actual do it!

The OP has had no salary for at least four years by the sound of it. Why should her husband not want to accept any money from her? Surely all money should be family money?

It sounds like a difficult situation all round. The OP has been ill and hasn't been able to earn any income, and her husband has a good salary but is terrible with money. But I'm not sure how leaving him will improve the financial situation.

Why do you have no idea where his money goes OP? Do you have no access to the bank account and bills details?

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