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AIBU in thinking we should just chuck him on the streets and let him fend for himself?

(287 Posts)
Kateallison16 Tue 16-Aug-16 14:59:32

Backstory

DP has been friends for a really long time with "B". They used to work together until my DP got a job with a new company.
Now B has no family in the area and the ones he does have do not want anything to do with him. B split up from long term partner a couple of years back and has been on a spiral ever since. In the last few months he has lost his job (through not going in) and as of yesterday, his home.

B was staying with DP and myself for the last week when this happened as he had no money for food, so we were feeding him and buying him smokes until he benefits came through.

Well, B did not get his benefits on the day they were due, or the days after. Instead of chasing it up like a normal person he just "would do it later" but of course, later never came. So his landlords, tired of bailing him out and waiting for rent have kicked him out. He had no formal agreement with them so fair enough, whatever.
He was round ours when he got this call (DP was still at work) and he just carried on playing xbox....
I didnt understand how he could be so calm so I forced him suggested he call his landlords and find out whats going on.
So he did and they confirmed he needed to collect his stuff as soon as possible, including his paperwork (that he needs for his benefits).
My partner then comes home and B explains whats happened to him.

My partner and I discussed it and agreed B could stay with us for a few months until he finds his feet, providing he sorted out his benefit money and worked hard at finding a new job.
Me and DP living in a one bedroom flat with our DCat, so its not an ideal arrangment as B would need to sleep in our living room.

We are a few years younger that B and have our own problems. We both suffer with stress and depression/adjustment disorder ever since we lost our daughter a few years ago, had cancers and chemo and lost fertility... we are not your average 24 year olds and already live with a lot of stress. We are quite happy in our little bubble how it is and this is going to add a lot of stress on us. We dont have any savings and at the moment live paycheque. BUT we are of course willing to do this for a friend in need.

So, it gets to about 7pm last night and we start discussing how all this will come into being and making plans. B decided that would be a great time to go to his friends house and get high.

Now DP jumped on him and said "come on mate, you NEED to collect your stuff and paperwork so you cant get your money sorted first thing"

B said "Oh yeah I know man, but I just need a night to de-stress. Once night and I will be on it first thing tomorrow"

So after about 15mins of this he goes to his friends house, with a promise to collect his stuff and paperwork and have it sorted by morning ready to call up and chase after his benefits.

Morning comes, I havIm home from work today and have spent my day budgeting in an extra person to shop for and also ringing shelter to find out where he would stand on getting housing benefit as a lodger.
I give him a call, he tells me he has not got his paperwork or anything yet but will be round by 12 with his stuff, so we can sort through it and find him space in our home.
So I spent the rest of the morning finding him his own chest of draws and room for his things. It gets to 2.30pm and I give him a call, only to find he has been smoking weed all morning and has done nothing all day. He will "be round for dinner or whatever".

No. Fucking hell no.
Ive spent my day off chasing round after him, making room in our home for him, spending our hard earned wages on his ciggies, food and toiletries all for him to not even help himself.
DP said last night he wouldnt stand for this, and I know he will not. But I dont think he would see him on the streets either.

I know in my heart this is how it will be. He wont sort his money out for ages/if at all. He wont bother looking for work and he will nip and get stoned every few nights while we support him.
He is not our child. He is not our stay at home wife. What they hell are we doing?

My dp is going to be livid with him. I personally want to stick a hot poker up his arse to make him get up and sort his life out.

So, wise women of mumsnet, am I totally unreasonable to want to nip this in the bud before its even begun?

Letseatgrandma Tue 16-Aug-16 15:01:45

Get him out now.

Giratina Tue 16-Aug-16 15:02:48

YANBU. Kick this lazy feckless wanker out. He's a pisstaker.

Kateallison16 Tue 16-Aug-16 15:03:15

Reading that back I am concerned we sound grabby/money obsessed. Its not the case, we just dont want to pay for his living long term. We are not well off ourselves and finding money for a whole other adults food, personal care, smokes, utilities is like getting blood out of a stone.

ABloodyDifficultWoman Tue 16-Aug-16 15:03:44

Put a stop to it now before it destroys what charity you have left in your soul. This man will absolutely ruin your life and your partners life too. You cannot fix him - you MUST keep telling yourself that. If he moves in with you what you are doing is enabling him. Please do not do it to yourself!

PuntasticUsername Tue 16-Aug-16 15:04:03

YANBU. If you let him stay you wouldn't even actually be helping him - just enabling him to carry on as he is. That's not going to help him in the long run.

YelloDraw Tue 16-Aug-16 15:04:18

Just kick him out. You owe that looser nothing.

Andrewofgg Tue 16-Aug-16 15:05:32

Out, out, out, today not tomorrow. Just do it.

MrsTerryPratchett Tue 16-Aug-16 15:06:06

I'm reading that struggling to work out why you are friends. He is a work-shy, stoner, lazy, piss-taking arsehole who wants you to turn into his mummies and pay for his addictions.

Throw him out.

Costacoffeeplease Tue 16-Aug-16 15:06:06

Why would you even bother? Let him stay with his druggy friends

Nanny0gg Tue 16-Aug-16 15:06:16

AIBU in thinking we should just chuck him on the streets and let him fend for himself?

Oh come on!

Of course you should. And it would be a kindness. There's a tiny chance he might wake up.
And if he doesn't it's not your problem.

He will drain you dry.

Kateallison16 Tue 16-Aug-16 15:06:32

At least I know I am not a cruel bitch thinking it! lol
Deep down I know it is a bit unreasonable.

I wouldnt want to see him homeless, it would hurt my DP so much to do it to him
Its just its so bloody typical the responsibility for him and his living has fallen onto us.

Thank you so much ladies. Please know I do appriciate all the comments! I dont really post on here but I feel welcome already smile

ayeokthen Tue 16-Aug-16 15:06:55

You sound the absolute opposite of grabby/money obsessed OP, you sound like genuinely decent people who want to help a friend in need. I don't grudge anybody anything, but if I'd done all that running about and spent hard earned money trying to help someone who couldn't be arsed to help themselves I'd be livid! He needs to go, now. You've given him ample opportunity, and he's chucked it all back in your face. He can go to the council so he won't be on the streets. You and your partner don't need this.

Fuzzywuzzywasabear Tue 16-Aug-16 15:07:04

No, he's taking the piss let him stay with the mate he's off getting high with, you're not doing him any favours enabling his behaviour.

KickAssAngel Tue 16-Aug-16 15:09:51

I thought you were going to write about a teenager who needed some tough love. You owe this man nothing, but he's willing to take money from you with no intention of paying you back? He's pretty much stealing the food off the table.

Pack his stuff up, put it outside. Lock the doors. Go out if you have to, but don't let him back in.

MrsTerryPratchett Tue 16-Aug-16 15:10:07

I wouldnt want to see him homeless But he is happy to spend your money while he sits on his arse.

YAN the tiniest bit unreasonable for throwing him out.

Kateallison16 Tue 16-Aug-16 15:11:35

nanny
My partner said last night he still has hope for him, a tiny chance he might wake up.
I personally do not.

Its sound so horrible saying it but all you ladies are right, he will suck us dry.
I am so scared of that. We do not have much, but what we do have we are grateful for, and loosing it would be soul destroying.
I think I will shop DP this post when he gets home tonight.

My DP sees him as family and It would really really hurt him.

I know we must sound like do-good idiots, I promise you we are not by any means haha.

maras2 Tue 16-Aug-16 15:12:35

You and your DH sound vulnerable.This person is a massive piss taker.Could you get some help to assist you in getting rid of him?This situation will only get worse.You and DH sound very kind but don't waste it on this freeloading junkie.If he kicks off call the Police but please for your own healths sake make him leave.Good luck.

MrsTerryPratchett Tue 16-Aug-16 15:17:10

My partner said last night he still has hope for him, a tiny chance he might wake up. He might. But not while you and DP are shielding him from the consequences of his choices.

I had a lovely friend in recovery from crystal meth who spoke about someone trying to help their addict friend with money and things. He said, "how DARE they rob him of his rock bottom?" That's what you are doing.

DixieWishbone Tue 16-Aug-16 15:18:47

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hellsbellsmelons Tue 16-Aug-16 15:20:06

the responsibility for him and his living has fallen onto us
It didn't you know!!!??
You LET it!
You do not have the room for another adult.
It's really that simple.
Let him camp out at the local council offices until they can find him somewhere.
Seriously, just don't even consider this madness.
It will do your mental health no good.
I've not had mental health issues before, until my ExH brother came to stay.
And we had a spare bedroom for him that was big.
I had to have counselling in the end.
He was doing nothing to help himself and his DBro was just enabling him.
It ended up being me or him.
Lucky for ExH he chose me and we got him a place close by and got our space back.
It nearly ruined me though.
Don't do this to yourselves.
You have too much to deal with already.
Let his stoner friends put him up.
And do NOT buy him any smokes.
WTF???? Why would you do this?
He can eat your food (if you let him stay) but you do not subsidise something that is not a necessity!?
Stop being so nice.
Put your foot down and don't let him move in.

Kateallison16 Tue 16-Aug-16 15:20:44

Thank you so much to every one of you that replied, I was sitting here seething and the stress release is amazing, so thank you for that.

I agree we are vulnerbale a bit. We know what its like to be shit of out of luck and I guess we are a bit ... whats the word ... "taken in" by a soul in trouble.

Thing is me and DP wouldnt rest knowing he was out on the streets. Winter is coming (damn Starks!) and how could we sit cosy knowing he is starving, cold and alone. Its just not who we are.


There MUST be some solution between being mugs ---> kicking him the F out.

?

DixieWishbone Tue 16-Aug-16 15:20:57

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SurlyValentine Tue 16-Aug-16 15:25:35

You and your DP are only enabling B to carry on living like a stoner dropout. You've told him he can stay with you - anything you said after that will have been zoned out, any conditions, consequences, etc. will not have registered with him.

MrsTerryPratchett's friend has got it dead right. Until B has hit rock bottom, he won't start swimming for the surface. You and your DP are just about keeping him off the seabed, so you're not doing him any favours.

diddl Tue 16-Aug-16 15:26:27

" B decided that would be a great time to go to his friends house and get high."

That was the time to tell him not to come back!

He sounds an utter pisstaker.

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